How To Be Offended

Posted on 7 October 2008 in Life Coaching

I have no wish to offend anybody that is kind enough to read my blog. In fact I don’t want to offend anybody period, it’s not my style. However, it’s important to accept being offended is a choice you make; it isn’t a direct cause and effect. Somebody says or does something; you then attach a meaning to it and decide how you want to feel. It’s not particularly complicated or difficult to understand.

My last post did offend a few people. I have no idea how many, although I did receive six e-mails (albeit three of those were from one person) letting me know the error of my ways. Two of the people were respectful and not at all abusive and whereas I disagree with them, I respect their opinion and welcome the feedback.

I couldn’t in all honesty say that about the other four, three of which came from one lady and are published below. You may wonder why I’m publishing private e-mails and that is a legitimate question because it’s not something I would ever normally consider.

It’s because they were a quite beautiful demonstration of what I was referring to in the post she was complaining about. If you follow the thread you can see that the lady deletes, distorts and generalizes much of what I said.

She also cranked it up a level by incorporating mind reading in an attempt to tell me what I was thinking and failed miserable to do so with any degree of accuracy. The final irony was her telling me that I was sick for having the last word, just as she typed the last word. Quite brilliant!

I wonder what she was looking to achieve and whether she felt better by getting it “off her chest”? I also wonder if she thinks her stinging rebuke cut me to the quick and I sobbed myself to sleep? Or maybe that I’d become so intimidated by her and concerned about losing a subscriber that I would immediately change my blogging style to meet her requirements?

The simple fact of the matter is this. She didn’t achieve any of that. All she probably succeeded in doing was raising her own blood pressure and giving me some excellent material. On top of that, my subscriber count took a jump upwards, although to be honest, that could have been purely coincidental.

Quite frankly it’s good that she’s unsubscribed. Not because I don’t care, but because quite simply I want to write for people that want to read what I have to say. If I’m self-censoring all the time I’d soon lose interest as I’m sure you would.

Before I made it into the video post, ‘Ways to be Miserable’ started off as a traditional written post. Then I decided to use it for the Toastmasters Humorous Speech contest and had to shorten in considerably to fit it into the 7-minute time frame. One of the original ‘Ways to be Miserable’ made me think of this lady and it went like this:

Waste time e-mailing people to complain about stuff that’s nothing to do with you. Don’t read a book or do some work, don’t even relax or walk the dog. Get on your computer and look for something that you can feel indignant about. Get your blood pressure and heart rate up and then shoot off a scathing e-mail. Celebrate with a cigarette, a double espresso and a small heart attack.

The lady made a choice on Saturday and it was to be offended by my post. I then made a choice not to take her attack on me personally or be offended by what she said. I don’t know her or what her motives were and she doesn’t know me or mine, so how could it ever be personal?

Anyway, enough of me waffling on, here are the e-mails (with replies) in all their unedited glory. The grammar and spelling remain intact although I’ve stripped the e-mail address out to retain her anonymity. If you haven’t read the last post, do so now. Otherwise, none of this will make much sense. Come to think of it, it doesn’t make that much sense anyway, but you get my gist.

Her responses are in the bold italic with mine in between. Of course, I’d love to hear your opinion in the comments:

“Yes, politicians sure can play tricks on you-you know like Obama pretending he didn’t know he was listening to a racist deranged reverend Wright even though he went to his church for decades and even married him and his wife.

How about your ignoring Biden’s actual reputation for stumbling and making mistatements troughout his career long before he ran for v.p. How about Biden’s near tears at the debate one point-if Palin had been near tears I can just imagine the bullshit you would have said about this woman being too weak to lead.

I find you attempt at subtlety to make this post really a political ad for your candidate. This subtle psycholigical demonizing of Palin and McCain is rampant with the Obama campaign and with the Democrats at large. Every non political webcast or forum I belong to that has absolutely nothing to do politics or candidates is now bombarding their web opostings with arguments for Obama. It appears that Democrats can no longer see any other opinion other than theirs and anyone who votes for the other candidate is a hick or naive.

You must be desperate to go that length to shove your candidate down everyone’s else’s throat.

UNSUBSCRIBE me. You are an asshole.”

Interesting that you call Obama, MY candidate when I can’t even vote as a UK citizen and have zero political affiliation.

Equally interesting that you missed the point where I actually pointed out that Biden STUMBLED and said that most Dems would have missed that.

You made my entire point for me about seeing what you want to see and your mind playing tricks.

I don’t support Obama other than I don’t like McCain and think Palin is a liability.

Classy end with the asshole bit by the way, you must be so proud to take the high moral ground.

Cheers
Tim

“Finally you’re able to make a truthful point that you only see what you want to see. You completely ignored my point that I did not sign up for a political blog when I joined this list. Who are you to give your political opinion to me or anyone else?

Sending Americans your negative opinion about a candidate and telling them who to vote for , subtly i.e. using psychological b.s. is distateful. using my email to send me a political endorsement is even more distateful. I’m pretty sure we got democracy down, fool. You’re the ones still spending hundreds of millions supporting a queen and growing family of royals who do nothing but show up at public functions and wave.

UNSUBSCRIBE already”

Er, I’m a republican that doesn’t support the Queen and haven’t done since my late teens, so I’m not sure who that remark is aimed at. There are 60 million Brits, you know?

I also live in America, so I’m not sending anything anywhere.

Politics is a fact of life, but even so, it wasn’t a political post. It was using politics as a metaphor for life, to demonstrate a point.

I never told anybody who to vote for and I’m not sure why you would think that. The fact is, I was talking about thought patterns.

See what you want to see, believe what you want to believe, that is your choice. After all we live in a free country.

Cheers
Tim

“What a moron you are. How would I know any of those unbelievably boring details about your life? And how sick are you to have to have the last word? Funny you don’t annoy your hometown peeps about your their multimillion pounds support of the royal family.

I am now blocking your email address. Please consider moving back to your country of birth. I imagine many people have unsuscribed from your crappy blog. See what you want to see believe what you want to believe asshole.“

LINK LOVE

Evan Hadkins at Wellbeing & Health is currently offering a free report called ‘It’s Not About Success’ I have to confess that I haven’t read it yet, but Evan is never less than thought-provoking and I’m sure this wont be any different.

If you are into the arts, then Spinoza Blue is a great site worth checking out. I know that Doug is always looking for contributors, so if you’re a bit of a culture vulture and think you can offer something of value, drop him a line.

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46 Comments So Far.

Comment by Gary on 7 October 2008:

This irate reader did know she was reading “The Discomfort Zone,” right? :)

Just as your earlier post is right in the people attach their own meaning to things they see and hear, whether it’s politicians speaking or a TV show, they also choose to be offended and waste their own time and energy.
Comment by deb on 7 October 2008:

Don’t worry Tim, I still love you!! I actually thought your post was quite inoffensive, but I guess I don’t live in America and frankly the whole thing looks like a circus to me anyhow from the bottom of the world. I think its funny that people are getting so het up about it. Keep up the good work.
Comment by Laurie on 7 October 2008:

I am embarrassed for her. When you mention somone who disagreed with you I thought, “Oh no, what did I email Tim?” then I though, I DIDN’T EMAIL TIM!” And I did get a gold star for being unoffensive with my remarks on the last post(at least I thought I did). After reading her emails, she needs to cool down. Maybe an enema will help.

You are right. Being offended is a choice. I have tried to tell students all the time to choose not to be offended by someone else, especially when being offended was the primary aim of the offender. They have a difficult time believing me.

You are also right in that we see what we are looking for. Just today someone mistook something I wrote. Instead of asking me what I meant about it, he asked other people who don’t even know me and then called me. Did he ask me what I meant? No, he assumed he had it figured out and told me about it. When I told him differently, I don’t think he believed me. You are right. If we are looking for something we’ll find it.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 7 October 2008:

@ Gary – LMAO, excellent point about TDZ and thanks for making it! It does amaze me how many people want to waste their time and energy on stuff like this.

@ Deb – Thanks a lot Deb. I must admit that I have been caught by surprise with how seriously people take this. Of course it’s important, but no more so than the last election and the next one. And some of the tactics by BOTH parties are reprehensible imho.

@ Laurie – Not sure about an enema, but congrats on being the first person to use that word on my blog ;-)
It’s a shame they don’t take such wise advice to heart, but I guess most people grow up thinking their thoughts just happen as if by magic.
Comment by Evan on 7 October 2008:

Hi Tim,

Thanks for the link love. Maybe my title will offend a few people too! I’ll wait and see.
Comment by NunoXEI on 7 October 2008:

SUBSCRIBE ALREADY!

Actually, I’m already subscribed, have been for 3 weeks and not regreting any minute of reading each and every blog post you write.

In all honestly I think you should be proud of these emails. They represent a fraction of society that you MOVED to an emotion. Doesn’t matter that it was a negative one really… well not to you anyways… for those loose canons, well, they need to be feel complete in their own life in order to stop assuming the world exists only in the point of view. Moving anyone to feel something about what you write is pwoerful, good for you!

Keep up the inspiring work!
Comment by Vered - MomGrind on 7 October 2008:

That’s it. I am unsubscribing.

:-)

Personal insults are my favorite.

I agree that we mostly choose whether to be offended by stuff, although I’m pretty sure there are things that are inherently offensive, such as blatant displays of racial or gender-based discrimination.
Comment by Evelyn Lim on 7 October 2008:

Huh??? I’m shaking my head in disbelief. You’re being perceived wrongly. Sorry to hear that!
Comment by Nikki on 7 October 2008:

Heya Tim,

I found your post spot-on; this chick needs to get her head out of her ass. Reading your whole post instead of stopping after the third paragraph might also have helped. She makes me weep for humanity. And our country’s educational system. Reading comprehension and spelling are supposed to be taught by the time one graduates from high school.

Keep up the great work!

– Nikki –
Comment by Davina on 7 October 2008:

Aren’t there second chances in blogging! So that’s it? You write one post that she doesn’t agree with and she quits? Too bad for her.
Comment by Carole on 8 October 2008:

That woman must be extremely stressed out to have been so upset by your post!

Maybe we should send her to talk to Havi? : )
Comment by Leanne Magraith | Forever Change on 8 October 2008:

I wonder what this woman’s blood pressure was before she started reading your last post, and what her blood pressure was when she sent her last email?
Comment by Sal on 8 October 2008:

Tim, that was hilarious! Little did the reader know that they were falling into the same trap you were describing. Oh well, I think the post was great and once again, I am glad you posted it. Besides, if the reader doesn’t already know, this is the internet…and we do have a freedom of speech. Go figure.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 8 October 2008:

@ Evan – You’re welcome and good look with dishing out the offense ;-)

@ NunoXEI – Thanks a lot man! And that is sound advice too.

@ Vered – You just know I’m going to disagree with you, right? ;-)

It doesn’t matter what anybody says the recipient always has the option to respond in any given way.

Ask Gandhi ;-)

@ Evelyn – Twas ever thus and it’s more amusing than upsetting.

@ NIkki – I like your take and I may well use the technical term of getting your head out of your ass with clients. I’ll let you know how it goes! Thanks a lot for commenting.

@ Davina – It may be wisest for all concerned, although I’d love to get her take on this thread!

@ Carole – Havi may well do the trick or if not she could enlist the help of Selma.

@ Leanne – I doubt they have equipment that can measure what it was at the end. I hope her heart didn’t explode.

@ Sal – Yep, it was absolutely dripping with irony, although I doubt she’d even know what that was ;-)
Comment by Tim Justynski on 8 October 2008:

This is so funny! Although I might get in serious trouble for saying this, but why is it that McCain supporters are so angry? Relax…Breath…Smile Lady!

Its America, its your blog, I say write what you feel, and don’t worry about offending anyone.

My favorite part of her email was when she said you thrive on having the last word, yet she blocked your email address after sending hers.

Have a great week!
Comment by Ali Hale - Alpha Student on 8 October 2008:

The thing that gets me is the fact she seems to feel you’re not entitled to publish what you like on your blog. She’s not paying to read it, she can unsubscribe at any time (I’m guessing she’s maybe an email subscriber), and yet she’s incandescant with rage because you’ve blogged about your political opinions?

Sheesh… I sure hope she doesn’t read the papers.

On a more serious note, I completely agree with you that being offended is a choice. As waste-of-time/energy emotions go, offense has to be right up there with worry. If you don’t like someone’s behaviour, just avoid them. Getting on your high horse and saying how disgusted you are will generally just provoke an amused reaction.
Comment by Lisa on 8 October 2008:

Tim,
Really proud of your cool – a real brit! You handled the ‘thick’ one well.

Keep up the good work.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 8 October 2008:

@ Tim – Yep that ending was a classic. It’s funny you say that about the anger. I have detected that, but wasn’t sure if I was imagining it or not. It should be the Dems that are angry, the amount of elections they have blown!

@ Ali – Well at least it gave us some light entertainment ;-) There’ll always be people like her and I suggest treating them with a sense of curiosity and gratitude that they’re not in your family!

@ Lisa – Thanks a lot!
Comment by Stacey / Create a Balance on 8 October 2008:

Wow! I have not received any email like that (yet). It reminds me of what my mentor tells me “try not to react…just observe and let it go.”
Comment by Hunter Nuttall on 8 October 2008:

I’ve always wondered what kind of people write things like this. What are they like in real life? Do they appear normal most of the time, and just go crazy on the internet? Or do they go around randomly calling people assholes in real life?
Comment by Doug on 8 October 2008:

Wow, Tim.

Sheesh! I’m surprised you didn’t already know that you had to check with her before you could write what you wanted to write on your own blog.

Come on, get with the program!!

;>)
Comment by Tim Brownson on 9 October 2008:

@ Stacey – That’s very wise advice.

@ Hunter – LOL – that’s a good question buddy. There are a few salivating, wild-eyed types out there, but in my experience people that go on the attack online are very often mild-mannered in ‘real’ life. Anonymity makes people very brave ;-)

@ Doug – I was going to do that from here on in, but she blocked me! What’s a guy to do? ;-)
Comment by Urban Panther on 9 October 2008:

Nice try with the back and forth on the emails, but I learned a long time ago that you cannot have a rational discussion with an irrational person. Once I’ve determined they fall in that category, I immediately walk away. I have better things to do with my life.

As for taking offense, it is very true that it’s a choice to be offended. And it is all based on our own life experiences. Let’s just say you posted (and this one is totally not what you would say, I’m sure) that drinking alcohol to excess is not a good idea, but it won’t kill you. I could choose to go right around the bend on this one, because my sister died of alcohol poisoning. I wouldn’t though, after the first WTF!, because I have the maturity and wisdom to know that your experiences are not my experiences.

Of course, if I politely and intelligently told you about my experiences, and you persisted in making seemingly outrageous statements about alcohol, I would deem you an irrational person and drop you like a hot potato. *smile*
Comment by NunoXEI on 9 October 2008:

@Urban Panther Sorry to hear about your tragedy U.P. You bring up exactly the point that differentiates us and our opinions: They all exist with our own point-of-view. We react to stuff based on our experience with them and sometimes assume (irrationally) that others should understand things the same way.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 9 October 2008:

@ Urban Panther – That’s a good point and I agree it is based on life experiences or the values we have accrued in life. Very sorry to hear about your sister, that must have been dreadful.

Why do we drop a hot potato by the way, wouldn’t it be just easier to eat the damn thing?
Comment by Urban Panther on 9 October 2008:

@NunXEI and @Tim – thank you. It was over 20 years ago, and was very difficult at the time, but now I have more than moved to the fond memories stage. That was the first example that popped into my head, so I just went with it, because I have actually had people (mainly young people) argue that getting falling down drunk isn’t really that bad and can’t kill you. In the beginning, it was very hard not to get offended, or at least climb up on my high horse. But, even then, I realized I would have a greater impact by remaining calm and listening to where they were coming from. That way I we could have a dialogue instead of a confrontation.

@Tim – have you picked up a truly hot potato? Trust me, you would instinctively drop it.
Comment by Doug on 9 October 2008:

It seems obvious that this forum is starting its long recovery process after the devastating rebukes to Tim’s naive assumptions about his own rights posted above. Whenever you see the hot potato metaphor in play, you know you’re on the road to better times.

;>)

Now, when we can all figure out why you drive on a parkway, park in your driveway and ship cargo, then we’ll really have the world by the tail.
Comment by Melissa on 10 October 2008:

O.O
Holy Hell! Why would anyone get so angry?
It’s funny, I just wrote in my blog about not talking about politics because it offends people so easily… That is wild! Why would she keep e-mailing you back?!
Comment by Tim Brownson on 11 October 2008:

@ Doug – I’m a fool to myself ;-)

@ Melissa – I have no idea at all. I’ll stick to throwing the occasional political post in. I’m not too worried if a couple of people bail because they are feeling indignant about something I said. I’d have done something to offend them at some stage anyway, so it was only a matter of time.
Comment by Anonymous on 11 October 2008:

LMAO of Tim – I heard you mention something about those emails to Amy on Twitter and I was curious to know what had happened. Shame on you for giving all those millions to the Royal Family.

If you move back to your country of birth – can I go live in your house in the States?
Comment by Cath Lawson on 11 October 2008:

Sorry Tim – anonymous was me. I’d forgotten to fill out my details.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 13 October 2008:

@ Cath – I know I could do with all that money now, but at least I propped up a failing monarchy for a few more years.

BTW, I got the following e-mail yesterday. Apparently the lady couldn’t work out how to hit delete. I’ve done it for her so hopefully she’ll not report me to my friend that hosts my site. I was really worried for a moment I’d get shut down ;-)

“I already told you to remove my email address. Your pathetic emails are still showing up in my blocked email list. If you do not remove me I will file a complaint with your server. Look who can only see what they want to see.”

What the hell does that last sentence mean and is it even English?
Comment by DJ on 13 October 2008:

Forget the detractors. While I agree philosophically with your last post, I disagree with anyone who thinks you weren’t even-handed.

For the couple subscribers you lost, I hope you gained double for it. Count me as one of them.
Comment by Robyn McIntyre on 13 October 2008:

From the amount venom boiling up through her emails, I’d hazard a guess that her anger and frustration had little, if anything, to do with you or your post. Misdirected, most likely. It’s disconcerting and even scary when such things happen; suddenly the world is no longer rational or understandable. Instead, it’s filled with unpredictable madmen (or women) who could go off at any moment with no way to guess at the trigger.

Fortunately, if no other such incidents happen, we can put it down to an aberration. We’ll never know what really caused it and there’s something about being human that makes that hard to take. It wears like a pebble in one’s shoe until we’re one day able to shake it out. I’m sure it will last much longer in her shoe than ours.
Comment by Robyn McIntyre on 13 October 2008:

PS: You may like to know I found your blog through a Twitter post by Guy Kawasaki.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 13 October 2008:

@ DJ – Thanks very much, I appreciate the support and having you along as a subscriber.

@ Robyn – I agree there is definitely some anger management issues going on. I just happened to be the person in her cross hairs at that time, there will be others no doubt. Thanks for your support too!

Does that mean GK linked to one of my posts??
Comment by Robyn McIntyre on 14 October 2008:

Yes, this one on how to be offended. He twittered it today.
Comment by Lexi of Creative Energies on 14 October 2008:

Delighted to see the mischief you have been brewing while I was occupied with other demands on my time. Fun to come back to the blogosphere and find this!

Lexi
Comment by Tim Brownson on 15 October 2008:

@ Robin – Wow, I’m honored!

@ Lexi – LOL, yes indeed although I’m hoping I don’t get too inspired by tonights debate, I think enough is enough for a week or so ;-)
Comment by Pink Ink on 24 October 2008:

Hi Tim, found you through…can’t remember sorry.

Anyway.

I read your supposedly “offensive” post, and I honestly couldn’t see how people could be so offended.

I watched the debate, too, and you were right on saying that people watching it filtered the entire spectacle through their partisan eyes (I know I did).

Blog on. Your YouTube was funny by the way :-)

Pink Inks last blog post..Boys Are Grand
Comment by Tim Brownson on 24 October 2008:

@ Pink Ink – It takes years of practice and dedication to get offended so easily. You’re obviously too lazy to put the requisite work in ;-) Glad you liked the YouTube clip and thanks for stopping by.
Comment by Lori on 25 October 2008:

Hi Tim,

I read your other post and I did not find it offensive. I also agree this woman chose to feel a maelstrom of negative emotions in response to your opinion.

I think many republicans are feeling overly defensive this campaign season partly because some high-profile Barack supporters have called them stupid and evil. (Janine Garafolo suggested all republicans should be jailed, and David Sedaris compared undecided voters to people on a plane who can choose either chicken or dog shit with broken glass in it–the shit being John McCain.) Of course there are many other factors, but that one almost pushes me to vote republican.

I feel for this woman like I would for a child throwing a tantrum. I also relate to her because I’ve done it before–blow up on an innocent person because I didn’t know what to do with my feelings. I hope she fills the void in her subscription list with a similar site that can help her deal with toxic emotions.

Lori

Loris last blog post..Top 10 Stupid, Overpriced Things People Buy for Halloween
Comment by JC Payne on 30 October 2008:

I just stumbled across your blog and stumbled across this post, and it fall in line exactly with something that happened to me last week.

I am a news producer/DJ who got to fill in for the afternoon talk show on a conservative radio station in the US South, and after starting the show by qualifying myself as already early voted and not to fond of either candidate, somewhere early in the show a 75-year-old man called in to say that McCain’s age represented 72 years of experience, I qualified myself as a 34-year old black man (I have to do this EVERY time I fill in because many listeners don’t believe it), then ask him how do you put forth the message of age equal experience to 18-year-old whatevers who see it as status quo and are being sold it is time for change, and his opponent looks a lot like change. Within a few words, he labeled me prejudiced in promoting my candidate because I was black and tried to get off the phone. I was able to keep him on for another minute or so to extend the conversation, but at that point there was no convincing him that I hadn’t implied anything close to what he was accusing me of.

As far as I can tell, anytime you can attach emotion to an idea, it makes it easy to sell to others. And anytime you can’t detach emotion from an idea, it makes it nearly impossible to be open minded. It works well from the standpoint of agenda minded talk radio, but doesn’t bode well for that whole ‘brother of men’ idea that makes us want to believe that we can all agree to disagree and actually get along.

JC Paynes last blog post..djazzycool1: Arkansan’s: Is the Little Rock metro area really thriving in this tough economy? http://www.karnnewsradio.com or text “poll” to 62582
Comment by Tim Brownson on 30 October 2008:

@ Lori – I guess she just wanted to be offended, such is life.

@ JC – That’s head against a brick wall time I’m afraid. I was listening to McCain say yesterday that he’s been fighting since he was 17. Well maybe it’s time to stop then John and talk some peace.

Thanks for dropping by JC!
Comment by Chris Hutcherson on 1 November 2008:

Not long to go to find out will become the new president of America, either one will be an improvement
Comment by Ruth on 14 January 2009:

I’m so glad I’m not the only one who’s had this kind of conversation. Just recently on another blog, I e-mailed someone to let her know that a giveaway I mentioned wasn’t on my site. She replied by saying it wasn’t clear. I replied by asking her how I could clarify and pointing out what I’d already done (i.e. the post title mentioned it was on another blog). She e-mailed me back to tell me she didn’t know why I was e-mailing her and I should never talk to her again.

Wah? I’m guessing she didn’t want to admit to either of us that she had skimmed the whole thing. But in that case, by telling me it wasn’t clear she got me worried about the blog and hence writing back.

Blogging brings out the fun people, I guess. :)

Ruths last blog post..If You Can’t Be Compassionate To Yourself…