How To Be Even More Miserable

Posted on 22 December 2008 in Life Coaching

It has come to my attention even though I showed you people proven tips on how to be thoroughly miserable, a few of you are still recklessly drinking the happy kool-aid. This has got to stop!

There is no reason with so much available misery on tap for anybody to be happy in this day and age. I went to a lot of time and trouble with my last post to demonstrate that unhappiness and misery are never more than a tiny attitude adjustment away.

Many of you took on board what I said, and have made me proud with your willingness to embrace the dreadful economic situation and make yourself feel crap at every available opportunity.

However, there are still a tiny minority of people that insist on looking on the bright side of life. In the original How To Be Miserable I gave you 10 surefire ways to guarantee years of abject wretchedness. Apparently 10 isn’t enough for these people, so I’m back with another 10 ways to slip from sunny into somber quicker than you can say economic downturn.

1. Play The Lottery

You know you’ll never have much money as things are; so base all your future plans on the 1 in 100 million possibility that you can win the big one. This can be a double-whammy for misery seekers everywhere if you keep an ongoing log of what you spend. At the end of the year, add it all up and ponder what you could have bought with the $1000 or so you wasted. Better still; ask a financial expert how much that money would have worth been in 10 years time if invested properly.

2. Feel The Fear And Run Away

If you have a fear of something there’s a good reason. Businesses do go bankrupt, planes do fall out of the sky and people have probably been killed in a stampede of wild mountain goats whilst vacationing in an Italian skiing resort.

If somebody tries telling you that your fears are irrational or you should just push on through, run away. Don’t these people realize the worst thing you can do with a fear is to face up to it? If you do that it will subside and maybe even evaporate completely. Where would that leave you? Happy, that’s where! What if you had no fears at all? That would be a disaster because you’d have nothing to be miserable about as the two are inexorably linked.

Think of fear as the schoolyard bully and hide from it whenever you spot it coming toward you. If you don’t, it will just steal your lunch money and give you a Chinese burn.

3. Complain Online.

Waste time e-mailing people to complain about stuff that’s nothing to do with you. Don’t read a book or do some work, don’t even relax or walk the dog. Get on your computer and trawl message boards and blogs looking for something that you can feel offended about. It doesn’t have to be anything to do with you, in fact the more out of your area of knowledge the better. As long as you jump to conclusions, don’t give the author time to explain what he or she meant and remain highly abusive and personal at all times, you’ll be just fine.

Get your blood pressure and heart rate as high as possible and then leave a scathing comment vowing never to return again. Celebrate a job well done with a cigarette, a double espresso and a small heart attack.

4. Live Beyond Your Means

Many people have mastered the fine art of spending just a little bit more money than they earn, but a few of you are failing to grasp the misery opportunities going begging here.

It’s simple math, if you earn $50k spend $55k, if you earn $100k spend $105K. What the hell do you think credit cards were designed for anyway? If you only have one card then apply for some more. They’re free you know! Best of all, get a wallet full of store cards and then loose track of how much money is on each one and run up a mountain of debt.

5. Drift Into Your Job

Never, ever have a career plan. Spend every minute of every working day despising what you do for a living. Don’t worry (or rather do!); you have another 8 or so waking hours to do other stuff. Well I say 8 hours, I guess by the time you have done the shopping, cleaned the house, driven to work, done the finances, worked any overtime and all that other stuff you hate, it’ll be more like 2 or 3, but who’s counting?

Great reasons to justify this insane behavior and do absolutely nothing to change is because:

You need the money.
You started part time 10 years ago and never got round to leaving.
Your parents think you look so smart in a uniform. They’re really proud of you and it would break their hearts if you ever left McDonalds.

Paralyze yourself with fear every time you think about changing careers with all the things that could go wrong. Never ever listen to friends that tell you stories about people successfully transitioning careers late in life and being blissfully happy. They’re obviously either lying, on drugs or more likely, both.

6. Consolidate Your Debts

This is a no-brainer in today’s market place. Don’t have 3 or 4 small debts here there and everywhere paying 8% on each, get one huge debt and pay 15%. It makes sense, do the math! Anyway, you haven’t got time to manage 3 or 4 debts when Fox News is about to tell you 5 reasons why you’ll be dead by the time your 50 if you don’t stay tuned.

When you’ve signed up for the consolidation asks your friend the financial adviser back to work out how much extra interest you’ll be paying over the next 62 years. Make sure you’re sat down with a large brandy, some smelling salts and a defibrillator to hand when he answers you.

7. Beat Yourself Up

Beating yourself up is really easy for most people and has many upsides in the misery stakes. Firstly, there’s absolutely no need to worry about thinking of new things to berate yourself for. Just use the same old stuff over and over again. Think of it as helping the environment because you’re simply recycling old mistakes, failure, errors of judgment etc.

I know the Police aren’t allowed to charge somebody with the same crime over and over again, but you’re not the Police and you can do what the hell you want. Play a game and see how many times you can call yourself a jerk in one day. If it’s less than 100 you really aren’t taking this seriously and need to step it up.

8. Don’t Set Goals

At the beginning of every year I hear people talking about setting goals and it drives me nuts. Do these people not realize that by writing their goals down there are exponentially more likely to achieve them? Hitting goals leads to satisfaction and pleasure, which in turn eradicates misery.

If somebody asks you about your goals you have two options. Firstly, you can tap the side of your head, wink at them and say “They’re all up here buddy exactly where they have been for the last 25 years” and then climb back under your cardboard box and go to sleep. Or better still; stare blankly at them for a few seconds and then respond “Goals? Goals? I haven’t got time to write no stinkin’ goals you moron” and wander off shaking your head in disbelief and muttering inanely to yourself.

9. Sssshhhh, Don’t Awaken The Giant Within

Lanky know-it-all Tony Robbins wrote a book all about awakening your inner giant. Well it’s ok for Mr. Robbins to waffle on about such stuff because he’s already a giant, but you’re not, so don’t listen him.

If you begin having fancy pants ideas of a successful future you may start to develop enthusiasm and heaven forbid momentum. Those two things alone can make it tricky to develop real long lasting misery. Unless of course your enthusiastic about being miserable like I am, in which case knock yourself out.

10. Get More Stuff

Some fat guy from China once said, “There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way.” Well quite frankly I have no idea what my pie eating friend was talking about, but I do know that there’s plenty of ways to misery and chasing after stuff is right up there with the best

You need more stuff, you need better stuff, you need faster stuff, you need more expensive stuff and you need it now! Everybody knows that the 17 seconds exhilaration you gain from buying new stuff is wiped out by a miserable empty feeling thereafter. It’s a misery lovers dream scenario. You spend money on stuff you don’t really need, push through an uncomfortable 17 seconds feeling happy. And then sit back in misery as you realize that the stuff you bought isn’t as nice or desirable as the stuff you didn’t buy or your friend did buy, the bastard! In these situations referring back to Tip #1 can be very helpful as you head back to the store with credit cards in hand to buy more stuff.

So there you have it, another 10 tips on guaranteeing long-term misery. I hope you can not only use these on yourself, but urge others to hop on board your misery bandwagon too. Maybe you can even throw a Pity Party over the holiday season because we all know misery loves company.

I will be videoing this and uploading to YouTube for those of you out there that think reading anything longer than a menu is hard work.

Link Love

Ali Hale wrote ‘10 Secrets for Instant Confidence‘ for The Change Blog a couple of days ago. Personally, I’m not sure why anybody would want more confidence because it may lead to feeling happier and that’s a slippery slope I wouldn’t advise anybody stepping on.

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27 Comments So Far.

Comment by Jay on 22 December 2008:

Love it! Good tips. I was having trouble feeling miserable about things with all this Christmas spirit.:-)

I will pretend I did not play lotto today and agree with them all. The job one is huge- we pretend we have all these reasons NOT to quit, when there is only one- we are scared of the unknown. I say go for it- the relief will be splendid!

Jays last blog post..Why I Blog (and 5 Random Things)
Comment by Maarburg on 22 December 2008:

hmm.. No lottery for my state…
Who do I call to lobby for a national lottery?

I fully support the Math Illiteracy Tax.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 22 December 2008:

@ Jay – Glad I could help bring you down buddy and I hope you have a really crappy Christmas. If you do start cheering up just remember all the money it’s costing you!

@ Maarburg – You’re not seeing past the obvious here! The fact that there is no lottery gives you ample chance to feel unhappy and bemoan your bad luck. Don’t call anybody, refer to #3 and write a detailed and long letter of complaint that’ll never get read by anybody that can influence anything.
Comment by Maarburg on 22 December 2008:

@ Tim -AAahh.. I have soo much to learn about being miserable. Sensei, I shall do as you say. Hours shall be spent crafting the most bemoaning and self degrading letter ever written by a half-human. Once completed, I will place all my hopes and dreams upon that crafted jewel, and carefully lick the stamp of fate. Perhaps then, only then may I rise to true misery.

Yet I fear that I might remain happy still.

Maarburgs last blog post..In the beginning… (aka Goal 1 of 10)
Comment by Scott Bradley on 22 December 2008:

This is such a great post! What a creative list. You are one edgy guy Tim.
Comment by Steve Olson on 22 December 2008:

Tim,

You’re such a smartass…

But it sure beats being a dumbass. :-)

I love the post, sarcasm well done.

Steve Olsons last blog post..The Best of the Interweb 12-19-08
Comment by Vered - MomGrind on 22 December 2008:

My favorite is number 3.

Unfortunately, I excel at number 6.

Vered – MomGrinds last blog post..Last-Minute Holiday Shopping? May I Suggest The Perfect Gift
Comment by Tim Brownson on 22 December 2008:

@ Maarburg – I will make it my lifes work to make you miserable and I shall succeed (Mwuhahahaha and other various insane cacklings).

@ Scott – Edgy huh? Great, I love that ;-)

@ Steve – Can you tell my wife that, she only gets the dumbass side of it?

@ Vered – Debt consolidation!!! Are you sure you didn’t mean 7?
Comment by Davina on 23 December 2008:

Hi Tim. LMAO. Finally, something I can relate to — misery :-< Now it’s anywhere but up for 2009.

Davinas last blog post..A Positively Dysfunctional Christmas
Comment by Anja on 23 December 2008:

Good one! Don’t we just know how to lay on the misery on ourselves and anybody else who is prepared to play the game with us.
Comment by LifeMadeGreat | Juliet on 23 December 2008:

Hey

Don’t write such funny stuff. It is making me feel better!

;)
Juliet

LifeMadeGreat | Juliets last blog post..What Are You Denying Yourself?
Comment by Cath Lawson on 23 December 2008:

These are brilliant Tim. The National Lottery sucks big time, as it encourages folk to think it’s ok to gamble. Right now they’re advertising a scratch card on TV with a £100,000 prize. I wonder how much they’ll be ripping folk off for one of those cards?

And “stuff” is even worse. When my ex-husband was in the forces, I lived near a whole bunch of wives who didn’t work. And all they seemed to do was buy stuff, or talk about the stuff they’d bought. It was depressing.
Comment by Ali Hale on 23 December 2008:

Thanks for the link, Tim! And for the great tips ;-)

One of my best ways to be miserable at the moment is to feel a bit down about something, whinge about it constantly to the long-suffering Boyfriend, feel bad that I’ve whinged, blame myself for whinging … if you do this well, it can go on for hours. I recommend it as a way to make your entire family miserable over Christmas.

(Yes, I’m trying to snap outta it! I imagine a little Tim inside my head giving me sage advice…)
Comment by Michael Panebianco on 23 December 2008:

I find it much easier to be miserable by taking a US Government developed and perfected course of action…..

I use the FAA motto to interacting with our nations airlines with everything I do….

“We’re not happy till you’re not happy!”…..

Then I go out and find something that gets under everyones skin, then work that point incessantly till everyone is as miserable as me. Misery loves company.
Comment by Laurie on 23 December 2008:

Several years ago I decided to increase my misery by encouraging my in laws to move closer by. It wasn’t miserable enough that they move 800 miles to the same city. NO my misery index was not peaking until they were on the same street. We have now enjoyed 6 years of neighbor connection. It makes it so much easier when they come over. This way they only have to drive three houses down the street to get to our house. I hate those long travel times don’t you?
Comment by Tim Brownson on 23 December 2008:

@ Davina – Yep I like that attitude, my new saying for 2009 will be ‘The only was is down!”

@ Anja – Well I Certainly do. It took me 40 years to master it, but I had to be doing something I guess.

@ Juliet – I think you’re missing the point and not really taking this seriously. Consider yourself admonished and hopefully that will bring you back down to earth.

@ Cath – But think of the children! Poverty has been eradicated by the National Lottery….well almost.

I think you found it all depressing because you hadn’t got ENOUGH stuff. You still have time to throw money away before Christmas if you’re quick, don’t blow the opportunity.

@ Ali – There you go that’s the spirit! It’s great bringing ourselves down, but that pleasure is amplified 10 fold when we drag an entire room full of family and friends down with us too. Worst of luck with that one, I’ll be pulling for ya!

@ Mike – I love that motto! Well done for embracing it with every fiber of your being.

@ Laurie – I’m proud of your dedication to misery. Maybe you could consider letting them move in with you next year? It’s a thought.
Comment by Mike King on 24 December 2008:

I love how you ended this with the mention of a video for those who can’t read anything more than a menu… Classic…

Mike Kings last blog post..Why Are You Waiting for Happiness? Have it NOW!
Comment by Mike King on 24 December 2008:

I too think that the GTD has become more of a bandwagon way of doing things and it is largely missed the chance to look deeper to ensure people do the right things. I’m learned that that is really the point of productivity and if you don’t look at that first to understand it, you can’t really do well with it no matter how many hacks or tricks you put in place. Then it’s just efficiency and not productivity.

Some might enjoy a series I just finished on productivity at my title link. Looking forward to see where this leads…
Comment by Mike King on 24 December 2008:

Weird, my last post dropped me here from a comment I posted at LifeHack.org

It happened from opening those two sites one after another from friend’s messages in my stumbleupon toolbar. Sorry for the off topic accident. Not sure how it happened. You can delete these comments…
Comment by Tim Brownson on 24 December 2008:

@ Mike – Now I know I shoul dhave read all 3 before reading the 2nd one four times thinking “WTF is Mike talking about” – lmao. No worries Mike.

BTW, I wanted to add another way to be miserable seeing as it’s Christmas. So if you want to really drive home the misery here’s a bonus tip:

Call Directv

If ever I’m starting to feel cheerful I pick up the phone and call DirecTv. This never fails to bring me down as I stumble my way through their voice (non) recognition system vainly hoping that somebody will take pity on me and answer the phone. If you don’t have an account with DirecTv don’t worry because there are lots of other options as companies fight tooth and nail to make your life a misery whilst taking your money at the same time.

Great examples are your cellular provider, Internet carrier, bank and aby major airline. Many of these can have you thoroughly fed up even before you call as your spend hours on end trawling their website trying to find a non-sales number and then wondering why you bothered as Billy Bob from Bombay reads his 5 hour script on company policy.
Comment by Melissa on 24 December 2008:

Are you sure you really want me to wake up that inner Giant? She’s kinda vindictive. LOL

Sorry I haven’t haunted in a while.

Merry ChristmaChanakwanzica

Melissas last blog post..Awe Hell…
Comment by remowill on 25 December 2008:

I woke up the giant and he kicked my ….

So I’ll leave you with Happy Holidays, all.

Make sure its safe and sane!

Matt
Comment by Celes | EmbraceLiving.Net on 26 December 2008:

Haha, great ‘tips’ Tim (especially #3 on complaining online and #10 on buying more stuff)! You gave me a good chuckle while I was reading this post (as always) :D

Celes

Celes | EmbraceLiving.Nets last blog post..Become the Master of Your Time
Comment by Tim Brownson on 26 December 2008:

@ Melissa – A belated merry Christmas to you and a happy new too!

@ remowill – Yeh, but what’s sane? ;-)

@ Celes – I think we’re all guilty of at least one or two, I know I am, and it used to be a lot more than that.
Comment by Bunny got Blog on 29 December 2008:

Great Article,I hate to shop and yes that feeling I also have when buying something that will be obsolete in a couple of months.Drives me crazy only after thinking about the money I spent on it.# 7 hits home.

Bunny got Blogs last blog post..Burn And Crash
Comment by Teresa Silverthorn on 3 January 2009:

Absolutely brilliant…
Comment by dan jolt on 5 January 2009:

Totally disagree on #1 – playing the lottery.
I don’t know about your local lottery, ours cost aprox. $1.50 for one square and I play it whenever there’s a $10 million joackpot or better. Yearly cost: aprox. $30 – that’s one restaurant dinner in exchange for the how-nice-it-would-be-to-have-all-that-money dream. Well worth the price in my opinion.

Also am not so sure about #3. While complaining online, you get to practice grammar and spelling. That’s a good thing. Also it’s way better than being annoyed online without the complaining, right? At least it’s some kind of activity.

About the rest: You pretty much nailed it – so thanks for the list!