Get The Balance Right

Posted on 10 September 2008

As I said in the previous post, everybody has the ability to be both internal and externally focused depending on their circumstances. However, we usually have a tendency to lean toward one or the other.

If you are by inclination an introvert* there will still be times when you are prone to being more extroverted*, that’s just how life is. It’s unlikely you’ll march into you local bar on a Saturday night naked save for a top hat and fake beard and demand you be allowed to read the Gettysburg Address to the patrons, but there will probably be times when you yearn social discourse.

The same goes for if you’re an extrovert. There will be occasions when you seek peace and solitude and don’t want people to think you’re a dancing bear and publicity whore.

A blend of external and internal is of course the ideal and most people have this. However, the blend needs to be the right one. Imagine you are making me a nice Cosmopolitan. You know I’m on a de-tox and quite frankly you want to rub my face in it, or maybe just make me drink it. Unfortunately for you, I don’t drink Cosmos so your childish schoolboy/girl humor is wasted, but you crack on nevertheless because you’re a bit parched and fancy a quick drink before you get the kids up for school.

You stick to the following recipe adored by the Cosmo purists:

1 oz vodka
1/2 oz triple sec
1/2 oz lime juice
1/2 oz cranberry juice

That tasted great and life is all of a sudden brilliant, so you decide to make another one. This time though you decide to go all experimental by tinkering with the balance of the ingredients and you end up with this:

4 oz vodka
1 oz triple sec
1/4 oz lime juice
1/8 oz cranberry juice

It’s got all the same ingredients as the first drink, but it’s going to taste a way different. In fact, after knocking back a couple of those little beauties you’ll probably think the naked Gettysburg Address thing is a cracking idea as you head off without further ado to purchase the requisite props from your local Milliner and purveyor of fine beards.

I don’t know this is true, but I strongly suspect there are a lot more external than internal people. It seems to me to be the way society conditions us. That it’s normal to be constantly worrying about what other people think of us. We get anxious about what others think about what we wear, what car we drive, what we look like, what job we do and whether our comb-over will survive the strong wind..

I am left aghast when I meet somebody that tells me they haven’t read my book. The fact that the odds of me meeting somebody I don’t know that has read it are about 780 million to 1 doesn’t even register. Therefore, if you want me to like you, you’d better get it bought now.

If you’re an external person you’ll be reaching for you credit card as we speak (and this is one instance when I applaud your externalness, good for you!), but if you’re very internal you’re probably thinking “Yeh $%&* you baldy, I’ll decide what I read and it aint gonna be that steaming pile of horse crap.”

If you have the balance just about right, you’ll weigh up all the evidence and make a decision based on your needs and your wants, not on what I think.

I’m not trying to suggest that the way we act is always a matter of free will either, because it isn’t. Whereas a great deal of behavior is learned, there are also certain personality traits that are with us from birth and are unlikely to change significantly.

Dave Fowler said in the comments:

“The truth is I care too much what other people think of me. I want to be liked just as most others people do, which is not a bad thing in itself but it has stopped me from being myself. What does that mean?”

I’ll tell you what it means. It means that in this instance it is a bad thing.

Being authentic is crucial to earning the respect of others, but much more importantly, earning the respect of yourself and living a happy life. If you’re constantly compromising in the (vain) hope that other people will like you more, what effect will that on your self-esteem?

Not only that, but if the person does become a friend, who is it they like? It’s not the real you, it’s a front that you’ve erected to mask the real person that you’ve judged isn’t good enough for them. Pah! You’re always good enough.

It’s not easy to go from caring too much about what other people think of you, to being confident enough in yourself to want people to like you, but only if it’s on your terms.

There are a number of things that you can do to help you, in the words of the mighty Depeche Mode, ‘Get The Balance Right’

Firstly, dump the belief that you aren’t good enough for other people or that people will prefer a sanitized version of yourself. You’re real friends like you for who you are and if they don’t, then they’re not your real friends, so what cares what they think?.

Secondly, check your values. Know what they are unequivocally and without doubt, and then live by them. If you’re sick of me banging on about this, good! I don’t care because I’ve gone all internal for a minute.

I’ll do this though. I’ll give you a free copy of my e-book ‘Know Yourself – Change Yourself’ that currently retails at $4.99 and is about to go up to $7.99, if you promise to do the exercise on values.

Click here and use coupon code ‘Ipromisetodothetest’. This is time limited to Midnight on Sunday 21st so if you haven’t done it by then, you’ll have to pay or not bother

Thirdly, read this post and stop comparing yourself to others. There is ZERO point; it will only serve to make you unhappy or smug.

Fourthly, when you do get criticized by somebody deal with it effectively and don’t just presume that they’re right. This post and also this one should help and please accept my apologies for the terrible formatting, WordPress hates me ;-)

* IMPORTANT. I think I may have confused some people that didn’t read the previous post. Although I mentioned being introverted and extroverted to make a point, the post is actually about our tendency to have either an internal or external locus of control. I realize as Evan quite rightly pointed out, there are as many introverts as there are extroverts in this world. However, I still believe there are way more people that have an ELC, and it is possible to have that and also be introverted. Bill Gates would be a classic example.

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22 Comments So Far.

Comment by Rita on 10 September 2008:

Tim,

Thank you for this post. It was quite enlightening. As someone who HAS read your book,I can vouch that it’s absolutely FANTASTIC. I am off to “the posts” even though I read your book. Check that. I am going to read those posts BECAUSE I’ve read you book!

Thanks,
Rita
Comment by Tim Brownson on 10 September 2008:

@ Rita - Thanks a lot! Having said that, only one of those posts is in the book, the others are brand spanking new material, so to speak.
Comment by Vered - MomGrind on 10 September 2008:

“because you’re a bit parched and fancy a quick drink before you get the kids up for school.”

Ido and I laughed SO HARD imagining that particular scenario.

Thanks for the laugh, and thanks for making me think. (Ido refuses to think, he just laughed at the funny parts and then went away).
Comment by Thomas Johnson on 10 September 2008:

When I try to use the coupon I get the message “Sorry, all of those available coupons have been redeemed.”

Intentional or Accidental?
Comment by Laurie on 10 September 2008:

I heard a quote once that said something like, Be yourself and let the world deal with it. I am doing my best to figure out all the facets of who I am and then live it!

Great posting Tim. As usual, good insight from you. And I agree, your book is great brain food.
Comment by Dr. Nicole Sundene on 11 September 2008:

This is totally hilarious. How did you know my recipe for the perfect cosmo? j/k

I think the part about the values really keeps striking home with me. Whenever we feel tight in our belly’s or not quite right in ourselves it is because we are deviating from our values, our values are at our core… and it is our values that truly create and develop the authentic self. I am going to write a post linking to this about improving our diet and lifestyle goals in order to support our values. There are plenty of things that we all want to be better…the environment…health care…world hunger…pollution…and so forth that truly can motivate us to make health choices that will prevent disease. A healthy authentic self.

Of unnecessary pointless added interest, I am working on a post about working out our abdominal muscles everyday that has this same pic in it. Except there is a finger pushing it over, not sure if you have seen that one or not.

Thanks for being my star at the kitchen table today :D
Comment by Evan on 11 September 2008:

Hi Tim,

There are just as many introverts as extraverts. The difference is that our western societies tend to emphasise and reward extraversion. Even if you are an introvert there are fewer ways to express this. And they are often not regarded positively.

I have found that if we can deeply connect with another (even by talking about our feelings of not being good enough) then we have authenticity in ourselves and in relationship. I find it nourishing. Even going through “bad” experiences with others can help us grow.

I’m with you Tim: it’s about authenticity.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 11 September 2008:

@ Vered - You’re welcome, just stick to the coffee,ok? Another avenue of pleasure I have temporarily shut off for myself.

@ Thomas - It was a genuine error. There is a section where I have to fill in maximum number. I was half asleep and put 1, thinking it meant number of downloads per person, not in total. Apologies, it has been changed and thanks very much for bringing it to my attention.

@ Laurie - Do the test and you’ll have much greater insight!

@ Doc Nicole - I presume that your perfect recipe is the bottom one, right? ;-) Many thanks for the link offering!

@ Evan - I didn’t mean introvert versus extrovert, I meant internal locus versus external locus. Sorry, because I know it was flitting around all over the place. I had more difficulty in explaining what I meant with that post than any other I have ever written, that I can remember. Thanks for helping me clear that up.
Comment by Dave Fowler on 11 September 2008:

Hi Tim,

Thank you for the additional consideration you’ve included in this post following my splurge the other day.

To make this day just as special I’m going to do it again. Hahahaha. DON’T MOVE.

Just for the record I need you to know that I am capable of putting my trousers on one leg at a time, and I do venture out into the world without taking the precaution of wearing a full face crash helmet (you see that’s funny, but only because I don’t ride a motorbike!).

There is an element of my own personality I’m not comfortable with because I know it’s not readily accepted in polite society, and as I want to live in polite society I choose to stick to the rules.

Don’t worry I’m not a granny basher and I don’t steal other people’s wives (they usually give them freely).

My dirty secret is I love inappropriate humour, but it doesn’t make me a bad guy. Most people don’t understand that because they don’t have the ability to suspend reality whilst enjoying the quality and the clever construction of some humour. They can do it while they watch movies, but they can’t do it with the humour.

Given what I did as a living for 18 years it will come as no surprise that I enjoy this type of humour, it helps you to get by when things get crappy. But you know this because you’re a professional Life Coach with a good book for sale – and everyone should buy it.

I think I was just interested in exploring the conflict. It fascinates me. What makes us tick has always fascinated me.

I do care what other people think (it’s linked to being considerate and empathetic), but again, I’m able to suspend that if the circumstances are right. I couldn’t have done the job I did if I was a wishy washy blithering imbecile who doesn’t possess a strong set of values and a rock solid belief system.

I enjoyed the discussion surrounding the issues in your last post and I think your follow up here helps a great deal.

And Nicole, for what it’s worth I love your take on this as well.

Tim, you may think I’m mad for writing all this stuff but it works brilliantly. It makes me to deal with the issues because it sticks them straight into my consciousness and forces them to stay there until it’s resolved. I suppose this is also what let the unconscious mind get to work on the problem too?

Anyway, if anything, this exercise has shown me that I gave more credit this part of my personality than it deserved. The strongest part of my personality is actually the desire to do the right thing – which as you say is linked to my values, attitudes and beliefs. The point being that over the last few months I’ve had to adjust my values and beliefs. It hasn’t been plain sailing and I’ve totally failed to take this into account. Until now that is.

So you’ve helped me and I thank you for that. I feel I ought to buy your book, but I’ve already bought it. Twice.

You rock Tim!!!
Comment by Melissa on 11 September 2008:

And I thought I was the only one who enjoyed a little alcohol in the morning…
Comment by Melissa on 11 September 2008:

@Dave, I enjoy very crude humor. Have you ever heard of Dane Cook? He’s my favorite. Nick Swardson is another vulgar but funny man.
Comment by Bamboo Forest on 11 September 2008:

“there are also certain personality traits that are with us from birth and are unlikely to change significantly.”

I agree with this. For example… Some people are born with more of a tendency to have a short fuse. Others may be born with more of a tendency to be depressed.

However, the very fact we have those tendencies is a testimony that we should work on them. We all have unique challenges as we are all unique people. But I believe these issues can be conquered.

Good points on the locus of focus. I Happen to be reading “Your Erroneous Zones” right now which has a very similar theme. It is very inspirational for me because I do believe very strongly that we have to realize we and not others control our emotions. When you believe others control your emotions you fulfill that belief…

When you challenge that belief in the moment of provocation, you can then begin to react the way you want to. Not a way you once thought you had to.
Comment by Lance on 11 September 2008:

Getting the balance right - my takeaway - knowing, really knowing my values. I’m close, but this is a good reminder that I need to make sure they are really mine, and not ones I’m superimposing on myself to meet some certain criteria defined by others. Great article (and I like the humor in here).
Comment by Tim Brownson on 11 September 2008:

@ Dave - Ah, but do you steal other peoples granny’s? I suepct so. If this is cathratic for you, you cathartise away, whatever that means.

Oh I almost forgot, ‘doing the right thing’ is purely a value call, but you knew that, right? ;-)

@ Melissa - It’s always afternoon somewhere.

@ Bamboo Forest - That is one of the few Dyer books I haven’t read, and I keep meaning to. So, I am now about to order it from Amazon as I have some vouchers and was wondering what to get. I love all of hi stuff, uncool though that may be to some.

@ Lance - Thanks for the comment and if you need a leg up on your values, download the e-book and work through the process and you should know definitively by the end.
Comment by Dave Fowler on 11 September 2008:

No I didn’t know that, but I just got going and couldn’t stop cathartiningisising. By the time I’d finished I didn’t care.It was lunch time and next door’s granny was hungry.

Look, you take charge the mumbo jumbo lingo and I’ll just air my dirty laundry in public. It’s not like I’m some kind of academic brain box you know.

Right! That’s the last time I let you help me for free!
Comment by Dave Fowler on 11 September 2008:

Melissa – Hi. No I haven’t heard either of those names before but I’m going to check them out this weekend. Thank you for thinking of me! :-)
Comment by Wendi Kelly on 11 September 2008:

Off to read the posts and download the book- after I write down the Cosmo recipes…hmmmm…which one to try first…….

Nice post. I am to be balanced in all areas. As a DX’d ADHD person…it alludes me…But I never say give up. :)
Comment by Stacey / CreateaBalance on 12 September 2008:

I appreciate hearing “dump the belief that you aren’t good enough for other people or that people will prefer a sanitized version of yourself”. Even though I know this is true, it is something I need to hear over and over again as I begin to expose myself to more and more readers. Thanks for tonight’s fix!
Comment by Tim Brownson on 12 September 2008:

@ Dave - Well you’ve always got to feed the granny. That would make a fantastic euphemism for something or other. Right or wrong is just based round your values. There is no thing that can be said to be good or bad, right or wrong. It’s ALWAYS a judgment call.

@ Wendi - Good for you! Never give up indeed. I suspect the latter Cosmo is the better one although you’ll probably not remember the day after.

@ Stacey - You’re welcome and thanks for commenting. It’s all about repetition and raising the levels of your exposure with a blog. Just keep plowing forward and you’ll soon realize that you’re good enough for ANYBODY.
Comment by Si on 12 September 2008:

Really silly question Tim - Where is this hypothetical test? I’ve just spent five minutes hunting around your site, and can’t find anything that even looks like a test..

umm. help? (or perhaps better, hyperlink it off the text “take the test”)
Comment by Tim Brownson on 12 September 2008:

@ Si - I have no idea what you’re talking about mate - lol. Unless you mean doing the values exercise? In which case you need to follow the link to the book with coupon code in hand and download it.
Comment by Si on 12 September 2008:

@TimBrownson - Yep, that’s it exactly! Guess I got confused by “IpromisetodotheTEST” - so went looking for a test.

Thanks! Downloading now :)