Dealing With Forgiveness

Posted on 12 September 2008

Ok, so here we go with the first in a series of indeterminate length called ‘Ask the Coach’ this is where you get to see my thrashing around like a cat being made to take a shower as I attempt to give credence to my title of life coach.

It was a tricky choice of which question to choose made easier by the fact that I only actually got one. If next week I have to keep it anonymous you’ll have good reason to believe that’s because I had zero questions sent to me and I’m making stuff up. We’ll see.

The question comes from Pam who has the Quarter Life Defining Moments blog and she has kindly agreed to let me use her name and re-print her e-mail to me.

So while I was in LA my friend had me pull Angel Cards. Kind of like Tarot Cards, but the cards given are supposed to be messages from your Angels (check my Blog for more info on whole story). The card that stuck out to me was the Forgiveness card. I put that thought in the back of my mind and went on with my life.

During meditation two days ago, I got a clear message that I really need to work on learning to forgive others and myself. I was told I have to learn how to do this in order to become the person I am meant to become in this lifetime.

I have never noticed that forgiving has been a problem for me. Now that I look back on my life I have noticed that people’s actions do bother me and get the best of me. For example, as silly as this sounds, I always tell my sister that she is the reason I don’t sing in public. (Side note, when we were younger she was annoyed with me singing around the house and said I have the worst voice ever and I should shut up…from that moment on, I have never sung in front of anyone.) I look back at my past relationships and I let my ex’s get the best of me. I let their actions and words affect me and get me down. I still dwell on things they have done to me and I have been in a solid relationship for 4 years now. I blame myself for things as well.

I am trying to learn how to forgive people and myself (the more difficult subject)…more or less…move on from a situation.

Any thoughts?

Firstly, there’s an interesting choice of language by saying that you ‘need’ to work on forgiveness. Or what? Will your head fall off and your life collapse into a meaningless sham if you don’t? Of course, I get that you’d like to, but you really don’t need to, you can function with doing so. Check out this post for what I’m getting at here because the language you use is critically important in determining your subjective experience.

Failing to forgive either in the form of holding a grudge or feeling guilty about something seems to be a common issue for a lot of people, so to start with it’s important you don’t think that this is ‘just you’.

It sounds like yours maybe a guilt thing (other than your sister) rather than holding a grudge, so that’s the approach I’m going to take. If in actual fact you’re spending all your spare time plotting some dastardly revenge and sticking pins into a doll, get back to me and we can slide you in again soon, very soon.

Guilt is such a waste of an emotion I’m not sure where to begin with it. I get a lot of Catholics come to me loaded down with guilt (I can say this because it’s true and also I was married in a Catholic Church as my wife is RC) and a really high reluctance to let it go. I have no idea whether you had the kind of upbringing in which you were led to believe this was a good thing or not, and I’m not even sure it matters.

Imagine you are in line at the supermarket in the 10 items or less line on a day when you’re in a bit of a hurry. As all right-minded human beings do, you start to count the items in the basket of the guy in front of you. You’re outraged to notice the bastard has 13 things and by his jaunty attitude he obviously doesn’t care either. In a fit of rage you attack him with his own cucumber beating him soundly round the head and then inserting it where the sun doesn’t shine when he slumps to the floor in a pool of his own orange juice

Unfortunately, your outburst renders you with a 6-month jail term. “It’s a fair cop, but society is to blame” you mutter as you’re led away to the cells. Six months later you’re set to go. You would have been out after 4 months but an altercation with a mango wiped out your good behavior.

At this stage I feel I ought to apologize for the outrageous and gratuitous use of the picture for this section, but I’m not going to bother because it made me laugh. I can almost see my RSS subscriber count going down as I type.

As you leave the prison a swarm of cop cars descend on you and arrest you. “Bugger’ you think they must know about that sharpened banana in my pocket. Alas no, it is more serious than that; they arrest you for assault with a deadly weapon.

When you get to trial you realize that they are trying you for the original crime again. You are quite naturally outraged and start to protest, but to no avail. Once more you’re banged up with Butch Belinda and her slippery soap.

Again you serve your time and start to leave and once more cops descend on you like your one of the Hole in the Wall Gang.

This goes on all you life and quite frankly when you get into your 80’s you’re well pissed off.

Of course that is a ridiculous scenario. No modern society would allow people to be treated that way, yet that is exactly what you’re doing to yourself.

Let me say that no human being EVER self sabotages. It may look like they do, but even people that commit suicide are doing it for a higher reason (usually to find peace). If they believed they could get what they wanted any other way, they’d take it.

The key to that is the ‘if’ word. We all do the best we can with the knowledge we have to hand at than moment in time. If you have made mistakes (like all of us do on a daily basis) then it’s because you didn’t have enough information or you had the wrong information.

You can forgive yourself and you do so on a regular basis. Have you ever taken a wrong turn, tripped up or put the milk in the cupboard instead of the fridge? Do you still reprimand yourself for any of those? Are you still beating yourself up for falling over so many times when you were trying to walk as a baby? Of course not, that would be ridiculous and you know all that is part of being human. Just like any other errors you’ve made.

Your sister isn’t to blame for you not singing. I agree, it does sound like she was the trigger event, but if you can apply the above lesson you can understand that she doesn’t deserve blame any more than you do.

Doe she know how you feel now? My guess would be that she would be appalled if she does. It was a passing comment and one I feel sure she would never have made if she known the long term repercussions and had the maturity to apply them. She was just short on information. As were you, because you didn’t realize that what she said wasn’t true, it was just her lashing out and wanting some peace and quiet.

The staring point is to accept that you really don’t need to hold onto the past, because guess what? It’s gone. You can learn from it and use it to drive you forward to be the person you want to be, but you can’t influence it.

If you meditate I’d recommend you try out the Metta Bhavana, Loving Kindness meditation. This is doubly useful for giving yourself some deserved love and also the people from your past that you think have wronged you and you may have wronged.

If anybody else here knows a good meditation please feel free to chime in. This is my personal favorite (Amazon click-through alert! I will earn 46 cents if anybody buys this, so beware if you don’t want to be funding my up and coming caffeine binge).

I’d also recommend you write to the people involved and say you forgive them (this includes yourself). You don’t even need to mail the letters, just write them in a stream of consciousness. You’re doing this, as much for yourself as for them and if you can follow through you’ll feel better for doing so.

I hope that helps and if any readers have any advice of their own please feel free to share in the comments.

De-tox Update: Quite frankly it has been easy, but here’s the deal. I’m bored with it! After 2 weeks I don’t feel any different whatsoever. My only lapses have been eating a chocolate by mistake. Honest, I found it in the fridge and popped it in my mouth without thinking what I was doing. That was the day after I started so I’ve forgiven myself. I also ate some chicken tenders not stopping to realize they had flour on the outside. I consoled myself with the fact it could have been whole-wheat flour. Yeh right.

I’m in a conundrum. I can keep it going (and will definitely do so on the exercising and meditation because I see the long-term benefits of that and even enjoy it), but I’m no longer sure what the purpose of everything is. I had to have a check over this week and I my weight is fine, I had a pulse of 45 and a BP bang in the middle as it always is. I honestly thought there’d be huge changes. I didn’t know what, but I was sure there’d be something.

What should I do, stick it out for the sake of it, or go back and commit to a life of balance?

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31 Comments So Far.

Comment by Dave Fowler on 12 September 2008:

Tim: I enjoyed this very much. I really liked the bit about self-sabotage. I think ‘Ask The Coach’ is going to be a winner.

Sorry Tim I don’t have any questions for you. I’m perfect, as you know.

Pam: I understand what this is like, I’ve felt it to varying degrees myself. I tried the stream of consciousness thing and it works, mostly. There are still a few stubborn events I want to work through. Best of luck.

Dave
Comment by Hunter Nuttall on 12 September 2008:

Uh-oh, the “outrageous and gratuitous use of a picture” movement started on Zen Habits a couple days ago, and has now spread all the way to Florida!
Comment by emily on 12 September 2008:

I like that the mailbox is a british mailbox as well. lol.
seriously, good article Tim.;-)
Comment by Tim Brownson on 12 September 2008:

@ Dave - It sure could be unless of course I have to change it to “What can the coach dream up this week” Glad you liked it Mr Perfect ;-)

@ Hunter - Oh come on this waaaay trumps that one! Anyway I posted one similar a few months ago and actually had a complaint. Let’s see what happens with this.

@ Emily - We have to maintain some standards ;-) Thanks for the comment.

Strange how nobody has commented on the de-tox yet. I’m presuming this is because you all think I should go out and get hammered - lmao
Comment by Melissa on 12 September 2008:

I’m pretty sure I self-sabotage in the sub-conscious form. But. that could turn into an ask the coach!!!

Who are you kidding, we’re not funding a caffiene binge, we’re funding an alcohol and red meat binge. LOL

As for commments upon the detox, I think alcohol should be back in, but that’s probably because I can’t drink any. LOL
Comment by Stacey / CreateaBalance on 12 September 2008:

I’m going to work on writing a letter to the person I need to forgive. I don’t intend to mail my letter, but just thinking about the leter is already making me feel better. Thanks!
Comment by Tim Brownson on 12 September 2008:

@ Melissa - It sure could, but let me assure you. Your unconscious is on your side and it always thinks it is helping out. ALWAYS.

@ Stacey - You’re welcome and I’m glad I have been some help.

Make sure you get the free e-book from yesterday, it is some of the best stuff I do.
Comment by Evelyn Lim | Attraction Mind Map on 12 September 2008:

I’m enjoying this first ask-the-coach series. I cannot help but say “great article” because it really is. And the best part is that you are not charging for such a long and detailed advice!

Perhaps your cleansing regime is too mild for you. You need something more intense!! That will make it more exciting!

STUMBLED, btw…LOL!!

Evelyn
Comment by Robby on 13 September 2008:

commit to a life of balance
Comment by Si on 13 September 2008:

With detoxes - if you really want to see the benefit,

a) make sure you’ve done 2-3 weeks totally clean (of whatever it is you’re detoxing on) - so your body cleans out properly
b) have it once
c) watch the effects

with alcohol, for example, I found that while I didn’t think I felt any different, I’d have a single beer, and really notice it the next morning - mood lowered, less clarity, less motivation.

Human beings adjust so easily to new baselines that it can be very hard to tell the benefits of any new regime (unless, say, your pants fall off you). A controlled reintroduction is a super simple way to reassess. You may find that each of these things really doesn’t make any difference - the only way to know for sure is to run tests, one at a time.
Comment by Anonymous on 13 September 2008:

Hi Tim - Am LMAO at the person in the supermarket. It reminds me of that guy who ditches his car in the traffic jam and goes round killing everyone.

Forgiveness is really important - as you say, if you don’t - it’s like putting yourself in prison. Years ago, I was seriously injured in an assault. It took me a long time to forgive - first I felt fear, then anger - I wanted revenge - I was searching Dogpile to find out how to make a bomb and looking for arsonists in my area.

It was not until I began to forgive that I let myself out of that prison and began to get well. You don’t have to forgive those people to their face, or invite them into your life - especially if they’ve seriously harmed you. You just need to do it in your own mind.
Comment by Cath Lawson on 13 September 2008:

Sorry Tim - I was that anonymous person. I forgot to fill out my details.
Comment by Wendi Kelly on 13 September 2008:

Hi Tim,

I enjoyed the post, it was a really good point that we really do forgive all the time and that we are just being selective in what we choose to forgive ourselves about. That awakening can help us to remember that we can choose to forgive ourselves and others.

AS far as detox…..

I am going to be the bad guy here. Don’t listen if you don’t want, but you asked. You made a vow to yourself and you did it for a reason. Stick it out. If you go back on your word it will be harder to hold yourself accountable to yourself or us the next time, and the next time it might very well BE something important.So…as long as its easy…then keep it up. You are big enough to battle being bored. Would you accept being bored as an exuse from your children? ( don’t even know if you have them ) Being bored is the curse of self- discipline, If for NO OTHER REASON then that- you should stick it out. You are going to feel proud of yourself that you kept your committment.
Comment by Dave Fowler on 13 September 2008:

Stick it out Tim.

Dig deep and find your resolve.

Lead by example.

errr…

…You’re just testing us aren’t you?
Comment by Laurie on 13 September 2008:

I’ve always thought that forgiving others was more about setting yourself free than some benefit the other person might get out of it. This was especially true when the other person either didn’t know they had offended or refused to accept responsibility for their behavior. I had to finally let go of the unforgiveness I had for my in-laws. I never told them I forgave them because they think they have been outstanding in-laws, telling them I forgave them would piss them off. But one day it hit me, their behavior was about them and not me and then forgiving them seemed to make sense.

Tim, how did you get that photo of me in my black nighties? I thought I got that off the internet. oh well… he he he! ;o)
Comment by Kelly@SHE-POWER on 14 September 2008:

Love this start to the write post series. I think most of us actually find it hardest to forgive ourselves and this is just as important as forgiving others. I read once that lack in life tends to go with needing to forgive and that alwayss made sense to me though it’s hard to explain why. maybe all those held on feelings just block out all the good that is waiting to come to us.

Not only an insightful piece, Tim, but bloody funny as usual. And go for the balance in life. I’ve said it before, but I don’t get all this “can’t have” crap. i’ve done detoxes before when I was unwell and they took about a month to show results, but I really couldn’t see how they were worth it. But yes, exercise does make us feel a million bucks, does’t it?

Kelly
Comment by Tim Brownson on 14 September 2008:

@ Evelyn - Ok, I’ll allow you to say great article, seeing as it’s you ;-)

@ Robby - Noted bud and thanks for chiming in!

@ Wendi - That’s not playing the bad guy it’s just offering an opinion that I asked for! I think I’m going to write a post on this because I have some ideas I want to share.

@ Dave - No mate, it’s not a test and my forthcoming post may explain a few things. OTOH, I may just post on something completely different. I’m so whimsical and mercurial ;-)

@ Laurie - That’s a very positive and pwerful realization you came to. It was the picture you sent me I seem to remember.

@ Kelly - As always, sage advice ;-)
Comment by Dave Fowler on 14 September 2008:

Whimsical and mercurial?

You’re wearing your trousers too tight.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 14 September 2008:

@ Cath - Not sure how I missed you there Cath! A think you’re absolutely right, there’s often no need to even tell the person that you have forgiven them.

@ Dave - What trousers?
Comment by Dave Fowler on 14 September 2008:

Oh, is that why you’re not doing the videos any more?
Comment by Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome on 15 September 2008:

Tim - stick with it, even if it’s just as an exercise in willpower. I’m horrible with willpower because my desire for tasty is stronger than my desire for healthy (unfortunately I’m wired such that the two aren’t always the same).

I’m really bad at forgiving myself and being a people pleaser I so often craze forgiveness from others even when there’s nothing to forgive, but I’m learning!
Comment by Tim Brownson on 15 September 2008:

@ Dave - Nope because I actually always was naked from the waist down when I did the video posts. Get that thought out of your mind if you can!

@ Alex - I don’t believe in will power, seriously I don’t. I did a post about it ages ago, I may even write another at some stage. I’ll update on the de-tox later in the week.
Comment by Dave Fowler on 15 September 2008:

*Hurl*

You’re a shithead and I’ll never be able to look you in the eye again.

*gag*
Comment by Melissa on 16 September 2008:

*is wondering why anyone would wear trousers unless they had to*
Comment by Dave Fowler on 16 September 2008:

Friction
Comment by Laurie on 16 September 2008:

Yes, that was the picture I sent you after you requested it. Did you like it?
Comment by Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome on 17 September 2008:

You don’t believe in willpower? I need to find this post because I’m sure it will help me! (I have no willpower so if the existence of it can be disproved then I don’t need to worry any more!)
Comment by Alex Fayle | Someday Syndrome on 17 September 2008:

You don’t have a search feature! Where’s the willpower post?
Comment by Tim Brownson on 17 September 2008:

@ Alex - Here you go: http://www.adaringadventure.com/blog/wordpress/life-coaching/dont-tell-me-you-dont-have-the-will-power/
Comment by Bodhipaksa on 18 September 2008:

Thanks very much for linking to one of my CDs. I appreciate it very much. Unfortunately you linked to an old edition which is no longer available, and your readers would probably find it helpful if you updated the link, which should point to “Guided Meditations for Stress Reduction” (same content, different title).

http://www.amazon.com/Guided-Meditations-Stress-Reduction-Bodhipaksa/dp/0972441425/

Many thanks,
Bodhipaksa
Comment by Tim Brownson on 18 September 2008:

@ Bodhipaksa - Thanks a lot for stopping by and pointing that out.

Now you know people! It really is a great cd and I also recommend ‘Guided Meditations for Busy People’ also by Bodhipaksa for those of you that insist you can’t spare more than 10 minutes to meditate.

In fact just go visit his site here: http://www.wildmind.org/