Change Is Always Possible

Posted on 11 October 2008

After the lunacy surrounding my last two (almost) political posts it’s back to the relative normalcy of self-development and in particular ‘Ask the Coach’ today. Yes ‘tis true, I have had not one, not two, but a massive three questions drop in my in-box.

Before I get to the one I chose to answer. I wanted to offer a massive thank you to those of you that offered words of encouragement. As well as the comments left after the posts, I got several e-mails all of which were supportive and all of which reiterated my right to post on whatever subject I saw fit. It means a lot to me, especially as a dozen or so were from people that I don’t know and don’t usually comment.

Now we’ve broken the ice I really hope to see you all leave a comment from time to time. The comments field is there for you to open up the debate and I welcome people that disagree with anything I say as much as those that agree. Some of the comment conversations that have developed have been better than the actual post and that’s the way it should be, so keep ‘em coming people!

A word of warning though. The encouragement may have just gone to my head because I feel future controversial posts brewing away inside me ;-)

I received the following question a week or so ago. I’m not sure whether I should keep the persons identity anonymous, so I’ll do that now and if she feels the need to leave a comment that’s cool.

I am having a very hard time curbing my negativity. My boyfriend has pretty much skated through life unscathed, and rarely gets upset or worked up over anything. He also has never really struggled through anything, especially financially. He has a great job and gets all the hours he wants.

I find myself being very jealous of his attitude, his good fortune, and not to mention the fact that he hasn’t seen all the things I’ve seen. I also feel like I’m bringing him down, you know, being a bad influence. I feel like I am taking too much without giving enough. Of course, when you’re emotionally and financially drained, I suppose you don’t really have much to offer anyway, do you?

If you’re in a really bad mood because of something that has happened at work and you’re sat at home with your partner/parents/imaginary large white rabbit (delete where applicable), and they try and strike up a jovial conversation and tell you what a fun day they had, what’s likely to happen?

Do you suppose you’re going to be all sweetness and light and put your terrible day behind you, like the mature human being that you are? Or are you more likely to look more miserable than Mick The Monkey after being told the poop flinging competition that he’s been training three years for, has been canceled due to a global epidemic of Simian diarrhea?

For most people it’s the latter. It looks (and often even feels) like the most irrational and ridiculous way to behave, but we do it anyway. I know that I have been involved in situations like that as the instigator (usually with my wife) and been screaming inside my own head “You’re being an ASSHOLE, just shut up.” Invariably though I’d ignore my rational self (and still do on occasions) and bat on regardless.

You know that to be jealous of your boyfriend is irrational and serves little purpose other than to maybe put a strain on your relationship, so let’s do something about it.

The fact that you want to change and recognize that it would be wisest to change is THE single biggest obstacle to overcome. The next biggest obstacle is having t he belief that you CAN change. If you have that, great, but if you don’t e-mail me and we’ll do a part deux. For the time being though I’m going to presume that you know you can change, because you most definitely can.

You’ve learned over the years to be negative because you weren’t born like that. You didn’t pop out of your womb, call the doctor a lucky bastard for having such a great job, declare the world a crap place before giving the nurse the finger and trying to climb back in again.

All negativity starts with your thoughts and just as importantly the language you’re using to interpret those thoughts. Unfortunately those thoughts often go on unchecked in the background and build upon each other.

If you’ve learned something that doesn’t serve you, you can unlearn it or learn something better or more empowering. The bad news is this approach takes a bit of work and you’ll need to maintain it for the rest of your life. The good news is it can be done if you want it badly enough.

It’s imperative that you don’t give yourself a hard time during this, ok? Start with observing your thoughts without judgment and with a sense of curiosity. Don’t just do it every now and then, but take the time to check in several times per day and in various moods. Listen to how you speak to yourself when you’re in a good mood compared to a bad one.

After you’ve done this for a few days (and it would be good to write some of this stuff in a journal to monitor it more closely) start to make some small changes. When you say something negative or aggressive, simply reply internally with “Thanks for that, but I actually prefer to think this….” And then you replace what you said with something more supportive, encouraging and empowering.

The ‘thanks for that’ bit is weird I know, but it’s also important. Taking the time to acknowledge your unconscious mind is crucial. If you just try and ride roughshod over a way of thinking that has worked for you for many years, you’re unconscious will rebel and not give up without a fight.

Keep doing that for as long as it takes. As I said, it will feel weird, maybe even very weird to start with, but each time it will seem a little easier. It’s like asking somebody that suffers from very low self-esteem to stand in front of the mirror and say to the mirror “I love you” I’ve known people that would rather have gone on a magical mystery tour organized by Blind Bob the bus driver than done that. Personally I can’t see the problem, I hang around all day in front of reflective surfaces telling me how wonderful I am.

I’m guessing that when you said, “ he hasn’t seen all the things I’ve seen “you meant bad things, right?

Ok, I get that, but I’m also tempted to say “So what?” (In a nice way of course). Lots of people have seen and been involved with horrific stuff, that’s just the way of the world. Some people deal with it and move on, others fail to deal with it and stay mired in their situation. Quite simply put, it’s a choice. It often doesn’t feel like it is and I know some people will say that’s a massive over-simplification, but in the final analysis, it’s still true.

The fact that you’ve seen things he hasn’t can be seen as a negative, but it can also be seen as a positive. You can reframe negative experiences as learning experiences. You can use them to remind you not to make the same mistakes or to show you how not to do something if it was behavior by another person.

I’m a bit in the dark here because I don’t actually know anything specific of what you had to go through. Having said that I do know that ANYTHING can be reframed. Check this post out for more info.

The only person that can answer the question of whether you’re bringing your boyfriend down and taking too much is your boyfriend. I suspect it’s not true, otherwise he’d probably not be with you. There are other things you can bring to a relationship other than money and if he feels comfortable with what you have to offer, then in my opinion, so should you.

You have an opportunity to start to change your thoughts and the way you view things, but as I said before it takes commitment and isn’t an overnight deal. I have barely scratched the surface here and I apologize if I haven’t gone into enough detail. On the other hand if this get’s you to start the process than that’s great. My book ‘Know Yourself – Change Yourself’ looks in a lot more depth at all of this stuff and then some. If you haven’t got a copy, let me know and I’ll send you one.

LINK LOVE

I didn’t really intend this section to link to larger blogs, but I thought the debate on discipline that followed this post by Leo at Zen Habits was fascinating.

Want to quit smoking? This guest post I had published at Kitchen Table Medicine may be of help.

Enjoyed this post? Please share it!

Digg it | Stumble it |

Send to a friend:

26 Comments So Far.

Comment by Dr. Nicole Sundene on 11 October 2008:

Thanks again for the great guest post! We have already got one person to quit smoking for an entire day.
Comment by Davina on 11 October 2008:

Hi Tim. I smell a tiny little bit of the victim roll being played out here. “…he hasn’t seen all the things I’ve seen.” You gave some sound advice here. Believing you can change is the first step. And, she appears to have noticed what she values in her boyfriend’s actions, so she has a good example to follow.
Comment by Evan on 12 October 2008:

Another approach is to figure out the benefits of being negative and find another way to get the benefit.
Comment by Evelyn Lim on 12 October 2008:

I’m surprised to read right towards the end that you’ve barely scratched the surface. That is quite a lot that you’ve written. And sound advice too! If I’m the lady writing in with the question, I would take the chance to follow up with you.
Comment by Vered - MomGrind on 12 October 2008:

I’m no life coach, but you can just as easily feel INSPIRED by successful, happy people as you can feel jealous of them.

My husband sounds like her boyfriend. I always felt inspired by him, right from the very start.
Comment by Robby on 12 October 2008:

Thanks for reminding me of the usefulness of “simply reply internally with “Thanks for that, but …”
Comment by Laurie on 13 October 2008:

I’m glad she is wanting to change. Living with a negative person isn’t much fun. Who likes being Tigger in a room with Eyore? So good for her! She shouldn’t think she has nothing to offer her boyfriend. If he is with her, he is getting something out of it. The more she thinks she is unworthy, the more she’ll think she us unworthy. It’s a viscous circle. So she should act as if she believes she is. The feelings will follow her behavior.

I have used your “Thanks for that, but I actually prefer to think this….” I use it when I am even a tiny bit tempted to think like a liberal! he he ;o)
Comment by Tim Brownson on 13 October 2008:

@ Doc Nicole - Glad to be of help!

@ Davina - I agree. I actually know the person fairly well though and I think her question sounded a bit more ‘victim mindsetish’ than she really is. The sheer fact that she bothered to e-mail me is a huge positive imho.

@ Evan - Yep, that’s a very good point. There’s a positive intention to every behavior.

@ Evelyn - I just meant that I could easily have written 7,000 words on the answer and ended up with an e-book!

@ Vered - You’re not a life coach, but you’re right! ;-)

@ Robby - You’re welcome!

@ Laurie - My wife adores Eyore. We even met him recently at Disney and he’s not as miserable as you might imagine. I think he’s had bad press myself.
Comment by Stacey / Create a Balance on 13 October 2008:

You are making me question if we sometimes put strain on relationships for some sort of benefit. What are we gaining from putting strain onto a relationship? A sense of control? A feeling of independence? Now you really have me thinking.
Comment by Bamboo Forest on 13 October 2008:

This is a great subject matter to discuss.

Before I give my 2 yen, I’m going to drop a link that I think is highly relevant.

http://punintended.com/blog/being-happy-for-others-something-to-truly-aspire-to/

Now that I have just shamelessly done that, I will carry on with my thoughts…

As Tim has pointed out, we must confront our moods. We must do battle, dare I say? Left unchecked, our moods just do what they do, and often times; they are downright ugly.

We won’t always be victorious, but we must always confront. In time, we will start making gains.

Jealousy is definitely one emotion that needs to be challenged. I experience jealousy too. But, I make every effort to confront it when it shows its ugly face.

Naturally, if I was to let it run its course, well, it would.

Awareness is everything. When you’re aware of your mood, you are then able to confront it. Looks like you’re definitely on the right track.
Trackback by Mind Mart on 13 October 2008:

Happy For No Reason…

…happiness gives us the energy which is the basis of health.
-Henri-Frédéric Amiel
SHARETHIS.addEntry({ title: “”, url: “” });
……
Comment by Steven Aitchison on 13 October 2008:

Hi Tim

There is some great advice in here and one that a lot of people can benefit from. I believe negativity can creep up on you and take hold before you know it. So, like you said, recognising it is vital to beating the negative trap.

Thanks for a great post, loving the blog.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 13 October 2008:

@ Bamboo Forest - I know what you mean, the green eyed monster can sneak up on you if you’re not careful. I have had a couple of friends hit the front page of Digg. Of course I was delighted for them, but at the same time the Duck voice started quacking about it not being fair and I should be on the front page. I just shoot it and get on with life ;-)

@ Steven - Thanks a lot! It’s weird to me that negativity seems to be the dominant emotion for most people rather than positivity (me included). On the other hand I guess as long as we know that and stay on guard then the choice is ours as to how we deal with it.
Comment by Melissa on 13 October 2008:

*raises hand* I am said “victim”. Reading over that, I did kinda come off as whining didn’t I? *laughs* I try not to be jealous, but my man doesn’t have very good discretion with “Hey honey, guess how much I made this week” I think he is more fishing for me to be proud of him, and I am, but jealousy is a petty thing and doesn’t like to be ignored.

Tim this definately gives me a good start. Thank you.

As for “seen the things I’ve seen” That was a really bad way of putting I’ve got more negative life experience than the boyfriend. I could have worded that better I suppose, but I was putting my neck on the block for dear ol Tim, so I was a little nervous and pretty much just typed what my feelings dictated.

As for the picture of the baby, why the hell does it have adult teeth?! Creeeeepy.
Pingback by How Petty Can I Get? « A Tasty Little Cocktail for Your Gray Matter on 13 October 2008:

[...] October 13, 2008 at 2:11 pm (About Me, Accountability) (Ask the Coach, change, Discomfort Zone, jealousy, self-help) This Post Brought on By: http://www.adaringadventure.com/blog/wordpress/life-coaching/change-is-always-possible/ [...]
Comment by Evan on 13 October 2008:

Hi Melissa,

I think a baby with adult teeth is a great image for jealousy.

If your feeling jealousy and like a victim: that’s OK too. Maybe you need some TLC.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 13 October 2008:

@ Melissa - Good for you for coming on and holding your hand up! At least people know I’m not making all this stuff up now!

You’re very welcome and I hope you can use it to move forward. I know you’re not a victim really ;-)
Comment by Kelly@SHE-POWER on 14 October 2008:

I enjoyed this post, Tim and found it very inspiring. I tend to be a positive type, but lately I’ve felt this kind of jealousy towards my husband’s career, which is going gangbusters. Meanwhile, my career development and goals are begging for attention but buried under the weight of motherhood and family responsibilities. On one hand I am satisfied with this choice, but some part of me is pissed off that my hubby’s career has taken off, making him the automatic choice of earner and me the carer and family manger.

I reframe these feelings constantly, but they are persisting, so I get where Melissa is coming from. I know you can’t be a victim and you have to own your choices, but that certainly doesn’t make it easy. And sometimes it becomes fuzzy where change is needed in circumstances and where change is needed in attitude.

Kelly
Comment by Chris Edgar on 14 October 2008:

I like Mick the Monkey’s cameo. That is some quality absurdist humor. Is he a recurring character here? If he isn’t yet I recommend he gets his own five-part series. — Best, Chris
Comment by Tim Brownson on 15 October 2008:

@ Kelly - I think that type of jealousy is fairly common and to a large extent understandable. Firstly, that was a great question about changes in circumstances and attitude. Sometimes a simple change in circumstances can precipitate changes in attitude, so that’s not to be under-estimated.

The other thing I’d say is you’re performing an equally if not more vital role in bringing up your son. Just because you don’t get paid has nothing to do with it. I’m sure you know all that anyway though.

@ Chris - Mick may well return at a later date and he wanted me to thank you for your support.
Comment by Samantha on 15 October 2008:

Tim this is great advice that you’ve given Melissa.

I myself know her in person and am amazed at how far she has come in life with her relationships. She’s an inspiration for me in example and I can even relate, or at least in the past to her current situation and even with her doubt’s she’s handling it far more than I did in my case. I’ve learned from my mistakes and I’m happy to see she’s not making the same one’s and is even reaching out for a check on her emotions.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 15 October 2008:

@ Samantha - Thanks a lot and that’s brilliant that she has inspired you. One of the hardest things in life is to learn from others mistakes and anybody that does it, has my admiration.
Comment by Melissa on 23 October 2008:

My best friends were my best teachers, we taught each other what NOT to do. =)

Melissas last blog post..Easy Distraction
Comment by CamKC on 27 October 2008:

Hi. The negativity of the lady towards her boyfriend is not a question of being in a bad mood, or anything similarly transitory. I have met people who have sailed through life through having rich parents, and many are completely unaware of the real hardship that others around them are suffering - because of the course their lives have taken, they quite literally “have no idea” at a deeply emotional level. They may academically concede that some people are poor, but have no conception of the hardship and hopelessness that intrinsically results. They can’t help it but they exude an unaffected arrogance, an imperviousness, as they know they are very unlikely to ever encounter anything in the nature of wanting.

The unfortunate thing is that it is impossible to “explain” the hardships to him, as they have never been experienced: the lady and the boyfriend are worlds apart.

So I completely understand the lady’s worries that she feels this way, but when you encounter people who have had a very untroubled, luxurious life, and their current life trajectory looks like they are going to continue to enjoy a high income, then for someone close by, who recognises their partner’s ignorance of hardship, when their own situation is less than ideal, then the gulf between them can be recognised particularly by the less fortunate one, and may well seem unbridgable.

Asking someone who has seen hardship, (and who has seen that comfortable people can unintentionally seem arrogant and smug and less than sensitive to the plight of the poor), to alter their mood state and to “overcome their hangup” about the untroubledness of their fortunate partner is maybe asking too much.

The unintentional ignorance that people who have been rich all their lives is irksome to those who realise that they truly “have no idea” how the poor have to operate.

And there’s nothing you can do remove this ignorance that the fortunate can’t avoid carrying around with them.

Hardship is only truly understood when it is genuinely experienced, and cannot be truly comprehended, even by ladling out food at a soup-kitchen for down-and-outs on one night a week.

Sorry I have no solutions - but this isn’t something that can be fixed by coaching the lady to “lighten-up” her attitude. The resentment that follows from realising that the rich partner has “no idea” about true hardship will always be there: there is an unbridgable gulf between them that counselling won’t be able to bridge.
Comment by Melissa on 31 October 2008:

@CamKC you know, that actually made me feel better, not more hopeless. I think it makes me feel better to be able to justify my feelings rather than try to irradicate them all together. Obviously irradication would be ideal, but like you said, that may be something unattainable because he just doesn’t realize what’s going on.

Melissas last blog post..What is Time to a Pig?
Comment by Tim Brownson on 31 October 2008:

@ Cam and Melissa - Glad you two helped each other and thanks a lot Cam for such a detailed response and taking the trouble to write it.