7 Keys To Self Development
Posted on 30 September 2008
One of the most difficult things for many people with self-development is the diving in and getting started part. I hear time and time again from new clients that they just can’t seem to do what they know they need to do to get to where they want to be. In fact it is often the reason why people come to me in the first place. They know what to do at an intellectual level, they’ve read the self-help books and blogs and attended the seminars, but they don’t really know how to do break their current negative patterns.
As my Ask the Coach section staggers into week three like a two packet a day smoker that’s just been forced to jog across the Sahara wearing a lead hat I got a great question from Kelly in Indiana. It not only addressed this issue beautifully, but also the wanting to change topic that I am so keen on.
“How do you get past wanting to want it? I need to lose some weight. Not a lot of weight, maybe 15 lbs. I am almost 40 and nothing fits anymore. I have no aspirations to look like a 21-year-old super model. I just want to be healthier and fit into the clothes in my closets.
Here’s the rub, I am tired, stressed and lack any real motivation. And the entire issue makes me want to eat a tub of Ben and Jerry’s. I know I feel much better both mentally and physically at the lower weight, but I can’t seem to get started.”
If you’re not sure what Kelly means with wanting to want to, where have you been all this time, I’ve been banging on about this for ever and a day?
She is referring to is the belief that maybe she should change and knows change would be beneficial, but she doesn’t really think she has the strong internal desire to do so. This is incredibly common in people I see and I have to be honest and say it’s not an easy hurdle to over come. At some point the desire to change has to be present.
Having said that, I’m not sure that this is applicable with Kelly. The fact she bothered to e-mail me demonstrates a certain level of desire and she can definitely work with that.
Firstly, let me say I don’t believe anybody lacks motivation in his or her life per se. No matter how de-motivated you think you are, if I dropped a pair of live lobster in your underwear you’d find a way of getting them out pretty damn quickly. And if you did insist on leaving them down there, that’s because you have a whole different set of motivational factors going on that I’d rather not delve into right now. You may want to check out Crustaceans Anonymous though.
This demonstrates that motivation is present; it’s just that you may sometimes have difficulty tapping into it. So that begs the question, or at least asks nicely, how do I tap into it?
The answer to that is problematical at best because it can vary depending on the individual so I’m going to take a generic approach.
1 Understand Your Values
Stop groaning this instant! If I were coaching Kelly the starting point would be understanding her core values. Without that knowledge I’d feel a little bit like a dwarf in a darkened elevator trying to get to a Penthouse party. I can jump around in the dark till my hearts content and I just may hit the right button, but equally I may end up in the parking lot.
Values are useful here to give me an understanding of what is crucially important to Kelly. If I know what they are then I can segue into stuff that will almost certainly help motivate her. For example, if honesty were a top value there’s an opportunity to use that as motivation by suggesting she make some promises to herself and others that she’ll achieve her goals.
Do not under estimate this. If you’re not living in accordance with your own values I guarantee you feel crap about life. I have done this exercise enough times to know that it can have a dramatic effect and prove to be a genuine A-ha! moment for many people.
2. Change Your Identity
When Robert De Niro made ‘Raging Bull’ in 1980 he had to put on over 50lbs of weight to play the older Jake la Motta. That’s a lot of weight to gain and whereas I’m sure it’s great fun eating all that naughty food, it could be a bit tricky getting the weight it off again. De Niro didn’t seem to have a problem though. Why do you think that is?
The reason is really simple. I can guarantee you that De Niro never saw himself as a fat guy. His identity would have been a slim or athletic person that was carrying a little excess baggage for a short period of time. There would have been no concern about losing it and no conversations about ‘trying’ to get back to his normal weight. It would be a done deal before he started and simply a matter of when rather than if.
Most people aren’t like that though. They see who they are now as their identity and when they want to make change it doesn’t feel right so they back off and stay in their comfort zone.
Start to see yourself as the person you want to be. Each morning and evening visualize how you’d like to look. It will feel weird to begin with, but so did the lobsters, just stick with it. Realize this is the genuine you and that the situation you’re now in is temporary.
3. Mind Your Language
Use positive goal focused language. This post will explain why this is vitally important and what to do.
4. Use Anchors
Anchors can definitely help keep you motivated to make the right choices. I used anchoring to excellent effect when I first learned NLP and couldn’t get myself up for going to the gym. There’s an explanation of what they are and what they can do here.
5. Manufacture Motivation
Do you have kids, a partner or even parents that you’d like to make proud of you? Can you make a bet with a friend? Look for ways that other people can keep you motivated until you get up and running.
6. Have Fun
If you start with a sense of dread then you’ll probably struggle. On the other hand if you approach this playfully and intent on having a great time and learning more about yourself, then you’ll exponentially increase your likelihood of succeeding.
7. Get Help
How about hiring a life coach, or a personal gym instructor? Neither of those are free, but is a few hundred bucks invested now not worthwhile if it gives you a lifetime of benefit?
This has been a very quick and dirty look at a complex issue. I could easily spend 6+ sessions with a client on something like this so I hope you’ll forgive me for cutting a few corners.
I would also suggest that hypnotherapy could be hugely helpful. A word of warning though. Hypnotherapy is unregulated, so look for a practitioner that has plenty of experience. Ask them whom they trained with and how much training they have undertaken. Personally, I’d also recommend somebody that uses Ericksonian methods of hypnosis. If they don’t know what this is, gently put the phone down and thank your lucky stars you’re not handing over any of your hard earned cash over to them.
Much of what I have talked about is covered off in a lot more detail in my e-book ‘Know Yourself – Change Yourself’ I don’t want to go too salesy on you, but if you incorporate the procedures in the book you definitely can effect the change you want to see. My other e-book ‘Stress is for Suckers’ may also help with that side of things.
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Comment by Avani-Mehta on 30 September 2008:
I actually enjoyed the post very much. It was very much like reading highlights (not cutting corners). One question that popped in my head - supposing it turns out that health is nowhere on Kelly’s value list, what would happen then?
Or is it that because Kelly has been wanting this, it has to be connected to one value of hers in some way, she just needs to find it to find her motivation?
Comment by Evelyn Lim | Attraction Mind Map on 1 October 2008:
I’m really enjoying the “ask the coach” series; so do continue posting the Q&A.
What do you think? Kelly may be talking about losing weight and all but she has not demonstrated that she has a 100% buy-in yet. It’s also often observed that for many of us, our situations have to turn drastic before we sit up and start to take concrete actions.
Comment by Urban Panther on 1 October 2008:
I mulled this over in a couple of my posts last week and got some great advice on how to get back into an exercise routine. The best advice I got from commenters? “Just Do It” Bottom line, you can analyze the whys and wherefores to death. At some point, you just have to jump in and do it, so it is no longer theoretical. Only then can you start to understand the intrinsic benefits of your change, and use those to help you keep on going.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 1 October 2008:
@ Avani - Thanks for that. The great thing about values is that there will ALWAYS be something on the list that you can work with in terms of values. These are the (often unknown) driving force in peoples lives and once they understand what it so important to them there’s often no turning back.
@ Evelyn - I agree that I’m not convinced she has a 100% buy-in, but I have worked with enough clienst to know that it’s not always necessary to have that. It certainly makes it easier, but is it imperative? Probably not.
@ Urban Panther - I HATE that advice, honestly I do, I cringe when I hear it ;-) Did you really not know that you had to just do it? Everybody knows that and it’s tantamount to telling a manic depressive to cheer up. I know it’s well meaning and it sounds great, but I’ll stake money that the shift in you did not come from that, even if you think it did. The shift HAS to come internally and somebody saying “just do it” may act as some form of self-analysis, but it wont directly cause change imho.
Comment by Ali Hale - Alpha Student on 1 October 2008:
This point really struck me: #2. Change Your Identity. I think part of my problem with change is imagining myself as the person I *want* to be, not the person I currently am.
I’m going through a weird patch at the moment with returning to uni as a postgrad. Part of me wants to be immersed in studying again — but (this has surprised me), part of me has quite a negative reaction to being a student, after a couple of years working.
Ali
Comment by chris on 1 October 2008:
Ok, numbers 1 and 2 are definitely new to me. I thought I was going to read the same similar stuff that is out there but you surprised me on these 2. So how will I change my identity, the million dollar question!
Comment by Avani-Mehta on 1 October 2008:
hmmm … would that ‘unknown driving force’ be the concept of ‘pleasure and pain’. I came across that concept while reading Awaken The Giant Within by Anthony Robbins and was fascinated by it. It basically says that we are driven to do what we do either because we are moving towards (already gaining) pleasure or because we are running away from pain.
For instance, even though everyone wishes to be healthy, usually the pain associated with exercise is enough for them to not exercise and stay unhealthy.
On the other hand, those who have gone through tremendous pain because of being unhealthy, associate more pain with staying unhealthy rather than with exercising. Hence they exercise.
But then you must already know this, don’t you? After all you are the coach :)
Comment by Tim Brownson on 1 October 2008:
@ Ali - That kind of epitomizes what I mean with this. You no longer see yourself as a student and thus resist the change back. Nothing that 10 pints of cheap cider and a kebab wont correct though ;-)
@ Chris - Of course you’re right, the trick is how to change your identity. Watch this space I feel a post coming on!
@ Avani - Ah good old Tony Robbins. He actually took that idea (and a lot more in ATGW) from NLP. It’s an NLP meta program and is a very powerful driving force within us all.
Comment by Leanne Magraith | Forever Change on 2 October 2008:
Hi Tim
As usual your post is a great read. Losing weight is such a complex multi dimensional issue and you have made some very good points.
Point No 2 is a biggie for many people and obviously not just in terms of weight. To be able to move towards what you want to achieve, it helps (in fact you could argue it is essential) to believe you can do it, and if you can’t visualise it how can you believe it?
Comment by Irene | Light Beckons on 2 October 2008:
I’d say point #1 is the most crucial one of all, and it’s linked very closely to point #2. Our core values will determine what’s critical and what’s not for us, and consequently that will become our identity. I think the tricky part here is what we “think” are our core values, vs the real ones that we’ve bought into.
Gosh, I can’t get the vision of that dwarf jumping in that dark elevator out of my head … help!
Comment by Dave Fowler on 2 October 2008:
Changing your identity is a cool idea. I see myself having a washboard stomach. I know I have one and the fact that I’m not seeing it after several years of trying can be discouraging. Each year I get closer though and actually I’m probably not too far away from that now.
I have bags of motivation, I must have to get where I’ve got (in life generally). I can feel that motivation at the start but it can quickly drift away. Is that real motivation I’m feeling and what’s missing that I can’t retain it? Is it the anchors?
Comment by Urban Panther on 2 October 2008:
@Tim - hmmmm….perhaps some clarification. I don’t do ANYTHING on somebody’s say so. So, I didn’t just jump in because people said to me “Just do it”. However, by them saying it, it acted as a catalyst/reminder to me that in the end you just have to do it. Isn’t that what advice is all about? It is simply a trigger for something you already knew. So, I was grateful for all the advice I got. In this particular instance, the trigger I needed to get going was “just do it”. It could just as easily been one of the other suggestions I got.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 2 October 2008:
@ Leanne - I definitely agree that if you can’t visualize something it’s tricky to achieve. Unless you are massively kinesthetic that is, but even then you have to be able to feel it.
@ Irene - Sorry about the dwarf metaphor, but it’s your head so kick the little fella out ;-)
@ Dave - Sounds like you may be confusing enthusiasm with motivation, or are they the two sides of the same coin? Now you have me wondering.
@ Urban Panther - A-ha! Do ! detect a tad annoyance at my aggressive and opinionated stance ;-) Let me clarify.
There are a lot of blogs that offer superficial self-help advice without getting to the ‘how’ They tell people ‘what’ to do and forget (or more usually don’t know) the ‘how’. That’s not to suggest that people never need help with the ‘what’ to do, just that a great many more need the ‘how’.
So the reason I hate that advice (and I was going deliberately ott, because I don’t really hate it) is because it seldom has any long-term effect.
Lasting change is the thing that’s important to me, it’s the thing that I work hardest on with clients. It’s why I refuse to deal with symptoms before dealing with causes. I want to take an holistic approach starting with what makes people tick (their values).
You already knew to ‘just do it’ and maybe you did need a reminder, but it would be cool to understand what caused you to need reminding, and what changes you can implement to make sure that you don’t need it again.
I hope that doesn’t sound patronizing U.P. because it’s not meant to I’m just struggling to enunciate clearly what I really mean. Maybe if you could hop into a car and drive to Orlando we could have a chat about it ;-)
I do like it when you guys get me thinking hard and that has definitely happened with the comments to this post. Thanks to everybody.
Comment by Laurie on 3 October 2008:
Well Tim, week two and I went to the gym to do weights every day! The difference with me was not will power (as you have said) but motivation. I played my life video forward and saw a really active old lady enjoying the heckout of life at 80. I can’t do that if I can’t get out of a chair! So I have adopted the idea that it is now my new lifestyle. I never would have thought I would be doing this!!!
Comment by Stacey / Create a Balance on 3 October 2008:
I think having fun is important. Sometimes, even if I don’t want to do something, I tell myself how much fun I’m having and most of the time I can find a silver lining. Being playful does lead to a positive attitude.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 3 October 2008:
@ Laurie - That’s absolutely brilliant, good for you! The playing it forward technique is a brilliant tool and it sound slike you have made the most of it.
@ Stacey - Is it ever! The day I don’t enjoy what I do is the day I quit and move on to something new. Sounds like you’re adopting the fake it till you make it approach well.
Comment by Dave Fowler on 4 October 2008:
I’m definitely motivated, but then other motivations seem to have a greater pulling power. For example I feel motivated right now to look at my finances but I have a stronger motivation to surf the net – of course that’s because I’m procrastinating. Can I be negatively motivated?
Fascinating thing this motivation lark.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 4 October 2008:
@ Dave - I see no reason why you can’t be negatively motivated at all. Maybe you have just described in a paragraph what procrastination is, contradictory motivations.
Comment by Cath Lawson on 5 October 2008:
Hi Tim - I like these tips. It’s difficult sometimes when you want to change something but you can’t get motivated, because you don’t have a strong enough picture in your mind of the why.
I guess it’s a whole lot easier to do something, when you have the fear of serious illness or dying motivating you, or you had a huge reward dangling in front of your nose.
Comment by Dave Fowler on 5 October 2008:
Cath: That’s almost the way I feel, except I can get motivated because I can see and feel the ‘why’ strongly but then things happen and the ‘why’ is joined by many others vying for attention and it all gets lost in the haze.
I get motivated but I can’t figure out why I can’t hold onto what really did feel like genuine motivation at the start.
Maybe Tim is right, perhaps I’m mistakig motivation for enthusiasm?
Comment by Tim Brownson on 5 October 2008:
@ Cath - Certainly people tend to be more driven by pain than pleasure, but it’s not always the case by any means.
It’s interesting that you mention about seeing a clear picture. Have you tried to generate the sounds associated or the feelings of motivation without the pictures? It may be that you’re not a visual person in which case you’re doing it arse about face!
@ Dave - You too are talking about pictures and I could have some real fun doing the submodality exercise with you if you were here. You have Know Yourself - Change Yourself, check out that section and then go and take control of what’s inside your head. If stuff is genuinely getting lost in a haze then that is easily correctable. After all, it’s your head, you can do what the hell you want inside it ;-)
Comment by Dave Fowler on 6 October 2008:
Tim, I’m not sure I want to do any tests where electrodes are involved but I will refer to the book again.
I wonder if things get lost in the haze because I don’t have a current list of my goals written out. In other words, I forget what I’m aiming for, because I get sidetracked and perhaps that’s how things get lost when life gets busy.
For example I know as kid when I had no other responsibilities I never forgot to get my backside up to the local flying club and hang around the pilots and light aircraft – I loved to fly and thoughts of flying consumed my youth. I was motivated and had nothing to stop me following up on that motivation.
This is fun!
Comment by Seamus Anthony on 9 October 2008:
“At some point the desire to change has to be present.” this is so true - it takes me years to get to this point, too long some times in terms of ramifications, but when you get there - bam - you never look back :-)