The Golden Rule Is Wrong

Finally, this week I got of my ass and did another YouTube clip. It’s been a long time coming, but if you watch it, you will see that is very much reflected in the tight well rehearsed word perfect script, painstaking editing and overall professional feel, with dare I say it, a dash of Hollywood thrown in for good measure.

It’s an explanation of how to make better decisions and why sometimes you’re more clever than even you think you are. Cunning stuff indeed.

If you, and yes, I do mean YOU, have a question on Life Coaching or general self-development, please let me know. If it’s an interesting ‘how to’, I may even put it out on YouTube or answer it here. I can’t promise I’ll use it, but at least it will help me to feel wanted and important. You’ll find my e-mail address here.

When I first received an e-mail from Robin Krieglstein from Goal Tribe offering a guest post I was somewhat taken aback. He actually sent seven post titles to me and asked me which one I wanted. What a tantalizing and innovative approach I thought. The net result was I opted for the one you see before you now because I was intrigued by the title and I know you will be too. So read on….

The Golden Rule Is Wrong

Some form of the Golden Rule exists in most religions and philosophies around the world. It seems to perfectly sum up morality in one simple sentence: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” That should keep you out of trouble, right?

Wrong! The Golden Rule has a fatal flaw that gets lots of people into deep trouble.

Read on to learn the Revised Golden Rule Version and discover how it will:
1.    Prevent you from upsetting people unnecessarily
2.    Allow you to create more harmonious relationships
3.    Be more successful at achieving any goals involving other people (i.e. all of them)

The Golden Rule’s Fatal Flaw

Consider this: Wilma comes home upset and ranting about how a friend has wronged her yet again. Fred is a problem solver, so he immediately starts suggesting various solutions to Wilma. But Wilma just wants someone to listen to her first. She just needs to talk it out and then she’ll feel better. Because Fred isn’t listening and keeps distracting her with ideas, Wilma get furious and shouts, “You never listen to me!” as she storms out the door. Fred is confused because he, “Did unto Wilma as he would want Wilma to do for him.” He focused on how to solve the problem. He focused on what he would want, not what Wilma would want.

The problem with the Golden Rule is the second part:

Do Unto Others as You Would Have Them Do Unto You

People constantly “help” others in the way that they themselves would want to be helped, but the other person doesn’t feel helped at all, because it’s not the way that THEY want to be helped. Sure, it’s the thought that counts, but it’s MUCH better if the thought and the action are both appreciated.

Now notice how the Revised Golden Rule avoids these kinds of conflicts:

Do Unto Others as They Would Like to Have Done To Them

The Golden Rule originated thousands of years ago when people tended to live with people who mostly looked, dressed, talked, and thought pretty much like each other. But you probably interact every day with people who have different opinions on clothing, music, politics, spirituality, culture, manners and morality. So the odds are much higher today that someone has very different opinions from you about how they like to be treated.

A Few Dramatic Examples:

To really help the point sink in, here are some examples of someone trying to be nice, but messing it up because they didn’t take into account what the other person would want:

1. Tina throws Bob a huge, glitzy surprise party, but Bob is an introvert and would prefer a quiet evening with just the two of them.

2. Lisa loves hugs, but she often makes more reserved people feel uncomfortable when she gives them a squeeze despite their attempts to avoid them.

3. Martha bakes her favorite super sweet cake for Jamie’s birthday, but Jamie doesn’t like sweets.

4. Vernon prides himself on speed, and whips out a bare-bones report for his boss 2 days early, but his boss values quality, and fires Vernon for lack of attention to detail.

5. After a delicious meal in China, Rupert licks his lips and grins – but the chef is insulted because in this part of China a belch is the only way to declare a meal tasty.

Are you starting to get the idea? To explore this concept further, take a look at Tim’s post “The Map is Not the Territory”. This little distinction can make a big difference in your relationships, your career, your business and all areas of your life. Here’s how:

5 Steps to a Platinum Life using the Revised Golden Rule

1. Open Up to the profound idea that other people have radically different worldviews than you do, and they are just as convinced of their idea of how things should be as you are of yours. And that’s perfectly alright! The sooner you accept that, the sooner your life will get easier. (Tims note: Check out Prometheus Rising by Robert Anton Wilson)

2. Listen closely to other people to begin understanding how they see the world and what their standards and preferences are. Often people only keep track of their own model of reality. But your mind is extraordinary enough to track many different versions of reality. You don’t have to agree with them, just understand them. (If this is difficult for you, see my post “Would You Rather be Right or be Happy?”)

3. Identify how the people you know like to be treated. What do they like or dislike? Are they more organized or spontaneous? Do they like surprises or plans? Are they more formal or casual? What are their favorite things to do? What are their rules for behavior?

4. Remember a person’s preferences for the next time you have an opportunity to use that knowledge.

5. Surprise them when you get an opportunity by showing how well you know them. Show your spouse that you know her ideal night out. Show your kids that you know how they like their lunch prepared. Show your manager that you know how they like projects to be completed. Show your customers that you know how they like to be served. Nothing builds a relationship like showing that you pay attention and care about someone’s interests.

Keeping the Revised Golden Rule in mind will help you strengthen all the relationships that make up your personal and business life. You’ll avoid the missteps that thwart your efforts to connect with and support your friends, family and coworkers, and you’ll find it a little easier to work with others to achieve your life goals.

Remember: Do Unto Others as They Would Like to Have Done To Them

Do you have any stories of someone doing something for you that didn’t really work out because they didn’t take your preferences into account? Please share them in the comments.

Robin Krieglstein is the Founder and CEO of GoalTribe.com, the most advanced goal achievement social network on the planet (according to Robin!). GoalTribe offers free, step-by-step guidance to plan your goals, get a support team, build motivation, track your progress and overcome all obstacles. GoalTribe is the culmination of Robin’s 20 year passion for accelerating self improvement through technology. On GoalTribe’s blog, Robin explores life changing ideas colored by stories from his around-the-world travels through 38 countries.

If you are a new blogger, a wannabe blogger or a blogger that would like a bit more traffic, you may want to head over to PluginID. Glen has written an ebook called The Blogging Blueprint. It’s free, it’s brilliant and you can download it without even handing over your precious e-mail details. What could be better than that I ask you?

Finally I want to share with you the funniest testimonial anybody has ever sent me. I got it yesterday from Guy who runs My One Piece of Advice and I laughed my ass off. Shameless self-promotion I know, but whatchya gonna do?

“Thanks to Tim I am now a millionaire, own 2 yachts, sleep with supermodels and have been on the cover of Time magazine. Or not. But if those were my life goals I think Tim might just be the person to get me there.

Tim rationalises my irrationalities, tames my fears and reframes the shit out everything. He’s that good I hope to actually pay him what I owe him sometime! Though he will probably just waste the money on getting American quality teeth to satisfy his visa conditions.”

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40 Comments So Far.

Comment by Tracy on 18 June 2009:

I think that a lot of the arguments I’ve had with my husband have involved one of us being disappointed to the other not reacting the way we felt they should because we would have loved it/been upset so why don’t they? We’ve had to learn to see it from both sides, which we do mostly, but sometimes our excitement over something makes us forget.

This is one thing I hope to avoid as much as possible with my children. I remember my parents being furious and laying on the guilt trips when us kids wouldn’t be as grateful or excited about treats they’d arranged for us. Now of course, I understand why and they were on the whole loving parents, but I think I can learn from their mistakes.

It works the other way round, too, doesn’t it? If somebody treats us in a way we don’t like, it doesn’t necessarily mean they dislike us or are rude. They are just approaching things from their own point of view.

Tracys last blog post..Money Money Money, MONEY!
Comment by Pat Ann on 18 June 2009:

Funny, I’ve had this philosophy practically all my adult life. Too bad no one in my circle of loved ones share this as well. Perhaps if I was to be more vocal about my opinions and desires, would the people who love me notice that and listen to me. Or would they just continue to apply their solutions to my life?
I can’t force people to see what my philosophies are but I can still enjoy life for I believe in.
And I’ll just leave it at that.

Pat Anns last blog post..Sketchee-Doodle No.2
Comment by Sean on 18 June 2009:

This is great advice that we all should take to heart. I am a person who followed the golden rule too literally at times and it has gotten me into some trouble with my wife!

“Do Unto Others as They Would Like to Have Done To Them”

-This is going on the wall next to my desk!

Seans last blog post..How to Simply Write
Comment by Daniel Edlen on 18 June 2009:

Didn’t Sonia Simone call this the Platinum Rule?

Anyway, I agree. Also I think the original Golden Rule has been sold out. Too many people apply it in order to get what they want. It was about giving, about the other person. I think semantically the revised one, the Platinum one, forces that mindshift to the other person. Godin’s writing did it for me in the context of promoting, this generalizes it to all Life.

Peace.
@vinylart

Daniel Edlens last blog post..Now I’m Not Saying I’m Robin Hood
Comment by Mary Anne Fisher on 18 June 2009:

Two thumbs up! On-the-money concept, clear examples and a great read!

I’d been aware for many years of this critical facet of the golden rule. But it really hit home when my aunt was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer about 10 years ago.

A couple weeks before she passed, she went into a hospice. I desperately wanted to see her again before she passed, but she was explicit in her request for no visitors other than her husband and her sister (my mom).

This was hard to bear and extremely difficult to adhere to because we’d been very close. When I finally realized and owned up to the fact that my desire to see her was all about what would make ME feel better, I was still sad because I knew wouldn’t see her again, but took great comfort knowing that I was doing what SHE really wanted in the end.

Many thanks for this reminder, Robin. And to you, Tim, for sharing it.

Mary Anne Fishers last blog post..How Doing, Being and Having More Could Be Screwing Up Your Life
Comment by Mark Foo | TheBigDreamer.com on 18 June 2009:

Do I have stories to share? Oh yes, I do. It’s a little story between me and my girlfriend and how I wish she’d show concern in a way I’d appreciate.

Whenever I’m feeling down, moody, upset, angry or just fucked, I like to be left alone. I’m pretty much a quiet person so I don’t like to talk much. And sometimes I’m just plain lazy to talk too much. And since I don’t like to talk, I don’t like to be asked too much. OK, you may ask… But if I don’t talk, don’t probe. I’ll talk if I want to. If you want to show your concern, a little hug and a “let me know if you need me” will be very much appreciated.

However, my girlfriend doesn’t seem to be able to understand that. To her, couples should always share what’s on their mind. So she’d be upset if I refuse to share what’s upsetting me. She always tries to get me to talk because she thinks she’s showing concern by wanting to know more. She just fails to understand the concept of “peace of mind”.

I’m always telling her to show concern in the way I want to be concerned, not the way she thinks how concern should be shown. But it seems like she’s not taking to it well.

So, when you say “People constantly “help” others in the way that they themselves would want to be helped, but the other person doesn’t feel helped at all, because it’s not the way that THEY want to be helped. Sure, it’s the thought that counts, but it’s MUCH better if the thought and the action are both appreciated.”, this absolutely resonates with me. You speak my heart out.

My girlfriend may have been better nowadays. But it may be because she’s resigned to it rather than finally “got it”. I know she’s still upset if I don’t talk. Perhaps your article will help her to see the light. So, thank you very much for writing this, Robin. I really appreciate it.

I just realised this is a pretty damn long comment from someone who doesn’t talk much. But like I said, if I want to talk, I’ll talk. :)

Cheers~

Mark

Mark Foo | TheBigDreamer.coms last blog post..Don’t Lose Focus On What Is Already Working For You
Comment by Laurie on 18 June 2009:

Good points. I needed this today.

Remind me to quote your line, “Open Up to the profound idea that other people have radically different worldviews than you do, and they are just as convinced of their idea of how things should be as you are of yours. And that’s perfectly alright!” the next time you post about God or related topics. LOL!

You do broaden my perspective on things Tim, but I’m working out and maybe I can fix that real soon!
Comment by Daryl Furuyama on 18 June 2009:

The golden rule isn’t necessarily wrong. It doesn’t say “do onto others as you would have them done onto you…and everyone will be happy”. It doesn’t say following the golden rule will produce anything at all. If it doesn’t state an effect, how can it be wrong?

Daryl Furuyamas last blog post..Lessons from Walking Down the Street
Comment by Tim Brownson on 18 June 2009:

Thanks to everybody for the comments, much appreciated, and also to Robin for supplying the post. I’ll let Robin deal with any points that he feels he wants to deal with, but I did want to make a couple of comments.

@ Pat Ann & Mark – Let me ask you both a tough question with the caveat being I didn’t write the post, so I may have the wrong end of the stick.

Can you fully adopt that philosophy and still think other people must change toward you? Doesn’t embracing it mean that you accept them for who they are and you have just as much responsibility to step into their world, as they have to step into yours?

Otherwise can’t they just throw the same accusation back at you?

Just a thought.

@ Daryl – Again I have to say this is only my opinion because I don’t know what was in Robins head. However, I think he’s going for an overall effect rather than 100% literal. Also even though it has no consequences attached to it, doesn’t mean there can’t be an implication something is wrong.
Comment by Positively Present on 18 June 2009:

I completely agree with what you’ve said in this post. The golden rule can cause a LOT of trouble. Just because we want something a certain way doesn’t mean that is what others want. It’s so important to treat others how THEY want to be treated, not how WE want to be treated. This is something I think about often and I’m glad you wrote about it here.

Positively Presents last blog post..how to find your calm before you lose your cool
Comment by emily on 18 June 2009:

This is a good one. and works for most relationships.

however.. does this mean you put up with someone close to you if you keep getting hurt by their distance? I think in some places you have to draw the line on what works for you personally.

imo your best close relationships are the ones where the other person can reciprocate in *like kind*.

i had a friendship where i was putting everything out and getting nothing back. and i’m sure the friend was tired of me trying to communicate, and “help my way” etc etc..
becuase this friend is the hermit type.. hiding away for months and not communicating.. as such they couldn’t be ‘there’ and available for me in the way my other friends are, and in the way i am for all my friends..

finally i just had to admit we’re two different people, i wasn’t giving what i was getting and i had to break things off because it was too painful for me to always give without receiving. does this mean i was WRONG because i couldn’t accept this person? Maybe, but i had to draw my boundary somewhere. when i have a thicker skin, maybe it’ll be different..
Comment by Pat Ann on 18 June 2009:

No no no!
I’m not saying that I don’t accept the opinions of people who love me! I don’t want people to change for me.
Forcing people to change is a form of control and if you know me, you would notice that that is definitely not me! All I’m saying is I sometimes feel that nobody sees the real me for all the “If I were you” opinions stuck all over me by other people. It had gotten to the point where I’ve had moments where I couldn’t make a decision without someone close to me reacting.
I would never blame anybody for this. The problem is all mine and I’m learning to stand up with the decisions I make whether a loved one agrees or not. I’ve actually walked out on negative and unnecessary responses to career and lifestyle choices that I have made(I’m the ‘artist’ in the family).
Fortunately, I have a wonderful husband and together, whether our opinions match or not, we are growing and are happily in love with each other. And that is all I ask from him.

Pat Anns last blog post..Sketchee-Doodle No.2
Comment by Mark Foo | TheBigDreamer.com on 18 June 2009:

@Tim:

Thank you very much for the question. That indeed requires some thought. OK, here’s my view.

Whenever you’re dealing with someone’s emotional issues, it’s always about that person and never about you, which is why you need to cater to his/her needs or wants.

Let me give an analogy. If your customer knows what he/she needs to solve his/her problems (problems are emotional issues), do you offer what he/she needs, or do you insist on offering him/her what you think he/she needs? I think the answer’s pretty obvious.

Let’s take another example. When your girlfriend has some problems at work and she’s complaining to you about it, all she wants is a listening ear. But you keep insisting on providing her solutions rather than listen, do you think she’d appreciate what you’re doing? I’ve learnt that the hard way. Sometimes when girls complain, they just want someone to hear them out. So all you need to do is to listen, even if you think providing solutions is more practical.

Hope this makes sense to you.

Cheers~

Mark

Mark Foo | TheBigDreamer.coms last blog post..Don’t Lose Focus On What Is Already Working For You
Comment by Robin Krieglstein, CEO, GoalTribe.com on 18 June 2009:

Wow! Thanks for all the great comments, stories and questions! I’m glad so many of you found it valuable. And thanks to Tim for posting my article.

@Tracy – I think you made a very important point that I would call a corollary of the Revised Golden Rule, or the Platinum Rule: “If somebody treats us in a way we don’t like, it doesn’t necessarily mean they dislike us or are rude. They are just approaching things from their own point of view.”

Even if they DO “dislike us or are rude” it’s still coming from their world view and doesn’t necessarily mean we have to allow ourselves to be upset. (But that’s whole other post.)

Given Tracy’s Corollary, you’ll find life much easier if you become more flexible and have fewer strict rules of behavior. (Tony Robbin’s says, “When two people meet, the one with the fewest rules is the most powerful.”)

However, for those rules you DO consider important, you must be sure to communicate those to people if you expect them to abide by them. And you have to communicate how important they are to you. That will be easier if you communicate in a respectful way (without attacking or blaming) and don’t force them to agree that your rules are universal. Just ask that they understand that this rule of behavior is important to you, and if they care about you, they’ll follow it when interacting with you.

Robin Krieglstein, CEO, GoalTribe.coms last blog post..The Golden Rule is Wrong
Comment by Robin Krieglstein, CEO, GoalTribe.com on 18 June 2009:

@Mary Anne Fisher – good story! Thanks for sharing

@Mark Foo- Remember people have been hearing the regular old Golden Rule their whole lives, and it can take some time for them to readjust their behavior. This is not just an insight that you suddenly ‘get’. It’s a new habit and mental skill to continually pay attention to a track what other people’s worldviews are. (In fact several types of mental illness are known to knock out the brains ability to do this. The best they can do is fake it through extreme effort.)

So, you’ll find many people don’t get your boundaries or rules for treatment the first time you explain them, so you’ll have to repeat it multiple times until they do get it. In a respectful way, just keep reminding them whenever they break your rule until they get it. (Remember, you’re doing this with your important rules only, and you’re trying to be more flexible about most of your rules of behavior that are just not as important as having good relationships and being happy and peaceful are.)

You mentioned, Mark, that your girlfriend may be better these days because “she’s just resigned to it, rather than getting it”. That’s still progress you should be happy about! People won’t always get “why”. That can take a lifetime of intimacy to understand. (By the way, the conflict you describe is very common between men and woman.)

Your thoughts in your second comment make a lot of sense. (Your first comments make sense too! Just addressing your challenge =)
Comment by Robin Krieglstein, CEO, GoalTribe.com on 18 June 2009:

@Daryl: Thanks for asking an intriguing question!

“Do to others as you would have them do to you.” Comes from the famous “Love your enemies” passage in Luke 6:31 in the Bible, which goes on to say “Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High”. So basically it will lead to positive results and God will be happy, which implies that it’s moral behavior

I think it’s also generally understood to be a moral edict, and the best way to treat other people. So if, by following it, you upset and offend other people, and end up messing up your relationships with them, then there must be a flaw in that wording of the statement.
Comment by Kristin T. (@kt_writes) on 18 June 2009:

I completely agree. It reminds me of how children shop for birthday gifts for their siblings and friends–they always gravitate toward the thing they themselves want most. (Actually, lots of adults do that too, I guess.) But the point is, we shouldn’t attempt to “shop for others as we would shop for ourselves,” right?

This whole general concept first came to my attention through a cheesy but super-smart book called “The Five Love Languages” (I actually blogged about it recently, here http://www.halfwaytonormal.com/?p=339). I suspect the concepts in that book could have made a big difference in my first marriage; luckily, they are a big part of my second marriage. My husband and I not only fully recognize that we speak different “love languages,” but we respect those differences. We’re also more aware of how our three kids need different kinds of love from us. It’s a much better way to relate to others.

Thanks for your post!

Kristin T. (@kt_writes)s last blog post..Facing their problems through your own fears
Comment by Robin Krieglstein, CEO, GoalTribe.com on 18 June 2009:

@Emily – “Does this mean you put up with someone close to you if you keep getting hurt by distance?”

I think my previous responses helped clarify this point, but, reading your story, I would also add, not only do you have the right to ask people to follow your most important rules for behavior, you also have a right, and a responsibility, to ask people for what you NEED out of a relationship. And you have the right and responsibility to end a relationship that neither side could figure out how to make successful. You can do that without blaming either side, and while still nurturing the good things that did occur in that relationship.

So, to specifically answer “Does this mean I was wrong because I couldn’t accept this person?” You can still accept them and respect them as a person, without having them be a friend that you spend time with. You only have time for so many people in your life, and there are many wonderful people you can’t spend time with if you’re spending it with someone who isn’t fulfilling your needs too. Put another way – “Every ‘yes’ is a ‘no’ to something else”.
Comment by Hugh on 18 June 2009:

Thanks for the post. I enjoyed your post and agree with a lot of the statements if those statements are taken by themselves and not as an extrapolation of the Golden Rule. It is my contention that the Golden rule was meant to address the “doer’s” internal state not the state of the person you are “doing unto”.
Comment by Andrea Hess on 18 June 2009:

I’m not that much a fan of the Golden Rule, but I’m not sure I agree with Robin’s modified version, either!

I mean, we can’t go around trying to guess how other people want to be treated. Who are we to think we know what they need or want? It’s a bit presumptive, even when we know someone well.

I suggest, in lieu of either the Golden Rule or Robin’s version, that we allow people to take full responsibility for themselves, ask them what they’d like, and TAKE THEIR WORD FOR IT when they tell us. If we love them, we’ll honor their wishes. And if they don’t tell us, that’s their problem.

Blessings,
Andrea
Comment by Maureen on 19 June 2009:

Achem…Sometimes it’s the guy who just needs someone to listen to.
Took me six years to realize when my husband comes home from work he just wants to blow off steam not hear suggestions from me.
Never thought about the Golden Rule that way but then I’ve never been completely driven by it either.
Sometimes coaching is all about comman sense

Maureens last blog post..The Smell of Purple
Comment by Maureen on 19 June 2009:

…or, here’s a better idea, why not just ask what the other person wants instead guessing or using a rule.

Maureens last blog post..The Smell of Purple
Comment by Tim Brownson on 19 June 2009:

I think I am the only person here that had never even heard of the Golden Rule. Yikes! Humbled on my own blog….again.

The weird thing with all of the comments is I think they all have merit. I understand what Andrea is saying and kind of agree, I also understand what Mark is saying and there is sense in that. Then I read the original post and can understand that too.

In short I’m not just on the fence, I built the frickin thing in the first place.
Comment by Tim Brownson on 19 June 2009:

@ Maureen – That is a good idea in theory, except many people don’t like to say what they really want. I’m sure many people been asked “What’s wrong?” and replied “Nothing” when they have really wanted to scream “You, you moron, that’s what’s wrong!”

Of course I’m a Life Coach and would never think such a thing, but I read it in a book once ;-)
Comment by Tracy on 19 June 2009:

@Maureen @Tim I think it’s a good idea, too but sometimes people don’t know exactly what they want, they just know what they don’t want. And sometimes they don’t know they didn’t want it until you did it.

So, really it’s probably best to try and adjust your attitude and reactions.

@RobinKriegelstein, I’d never heard that quote before but it makes a ton of sense to me. Being flexible is something I am working on (and if I say so myself, I am pretty good at it). The better I get at it, the easier my life is.

Tracys last blog post..Letters to my life coach
Comment by Patricia on 19 June 2009:

I really do like this concept of being a much more flexible, global thinker when interacting with other people.

I find people do not often return the favor – I am a great listener…such as my husband just made an appointment with me to tell me about getting Solar Hot water and Solar PV panels for our house this summer (for my 60th birthday) I am very happy to have the appointment, because now I can do my research and homework about the issue, because I feel it is a risk that is vital for us to take at this time) I will listen and then present my information in the form of questioning him through the process so that he will totally believe he made the decision and I will get my research and ideas inserted into the decision…
Then there is this morning too where I presented we had no money left to pay the credit card off this month (we are living on savings right now) He just glared at me and talked about how I would have to figure this out and problem-solve this…which I did and found the money…but I am left feeling resentment and as though I am 9 years old and have been chastised….he avoids conflict of any kind like the plague…but when I have a great idea or suggestion he minimizes it all so he can avoid conflict.
I still would suggest Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communications Book to you…because it adds so much to the basic communication skills and brings those skills in to this century…thinking more flexibly and openly then having real tools that work – dynamic new thinking

Patricias last blog post..Thinking About My Dad
Comment by Robin Krieglstein, CEO, GoalTribe.com on 19 June 2009:

@Andrea Hess: Thanks for speaking your mind! As you suggest, I agree the best way to find out how someone wants to be treated is to ask them. And, as I stated earlier, we are responsible for letting people know what our rules and preferences are (because, you’re right, we can’t be mind readers). And I agree we should love them, and honor their wishes. However, if they don’t like it, it’s not just their problem, it can be our problem too. We can’t always make people like us, but when they don’t, it erodes their support for us and the things we’re trying to accomplish. Also, I disagree with “We can’t go around trying to guess how other people want to be treated.” It’s true we can’t mind read, but often it’s pretty obvious that the frumpy woman coming into your hair solon doesn’t want the latest outrageous hair-do. And that your teenage nephew doesn’t want a tie for his birthday. There are many cases where a little thought (or memory) will help you know better how to treat someone. Of course there are many cases where you just don’t know.

@Maureen: I totally agree. There are generalizations that can be made about groups of people (like males and females) but they never apply 100%. It’s very important to take each person as an individual. Yes, many men also prefer being listened to.
Comment by amy on 20 June 2009:

I think the golden rule was just a way of introducing the concept of karma into the west. If you are trying to follow the golden rule you should be growing your awareness to incorporate the ideas you’ve mentioned anyway :)
Comment by amy on 20 June 2009:

Also most people don’t like change and don’t like truth so is it really the best thing to do to let them wallow or be bound in a false sense of self even if it’s what they’d like?
Pingback by Weekly Wrap Up III | Simple Productivity on 20 June 2009:

[...] The Golden Rule Is Wrong- Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Sound good right? How could that not be good? I base my morality on the golden rule. Am I bad? The author suggests that the fatal flaw of this “rule” is that it only takes into account your desires, what about the other person? The revised rule would be “Do Unto Others as They Would Like to Have Done To Them” which is a whole new way of looking at it. I think that this version of the rule does have it’s problems as well but it is definitely a step in the right direction. Read the blog and see what you think. Goal Setting Smackdown- Big Hairy Audacious vs. Baby Steps- Do you keep your eye on the prize at all times? Or do you focus on the smaller steps that are necessary to get you there? This interesting post provoked some great thoughts in the comment section. Share and Enjoy: [...]
Comment by Beth Banning on 21 June 2009:

Great article… so glad you’re promoting the Platinum Rule.

It’s so much more valuable than doing unto others as you would have them do unto you–because others are not YOU–they are THEM. And that’s what makes the world so interesting. :-)

Beth Bannings last blog post..How to Handle Criticism Without Melting Down, Clamming Up or Flipping Out
Comment by Stephen – Rat Race Trap on 21 June 2009:

Perfect. The golden rule does seem to be wrong and I like this update. Well done!

Stephen – Rat Race Traps last blog post..Don’t Be Offended
Comment by Michael Panebianco on 25 June 2009:

Ah, the mighty sword of empathy! Well done Sir!

I spend a lot of time with my Personal Defense classes teaching verbal defuse tactics, and that is probably one of the biggest difficulties I have. Defeating the Golden Rule! Imagine a good Catholic boy like me saying that out loud?

Getting out of your own head to help solve the problems of another, or affect things in a positive way requires far more intake than output.

Doesn’t it all still come back into relevance when we change the Others Do Unto You, and put it into the context that you have so eloquently stated.

Great read guys, I needed that reminder this morning!
Pingback by My one piece of advice for bloggers: Part 4 | My one piece of advice on 29 June 2009:

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Pingback by The Golden Rule Revised « The Vast Chaos of a Creative Mind on 3 July 2009:

[...] The Golden Rule as it SHOULD be. I agree!! I can’t say it better, so check out the original. [...]
Comment by Ron on 9 July 2009:

When Jesus spoke the Golden Rule, he knew humans didn’t have the gift of mind-reading. That’s why he didn’t say “Do unto others as they would like done unto them.”

It’s pretty bold to say the Son of God got things wrong, don’t you think? After all, do you know of anyone else who’s grave is empty?
Comment by Hugh on 9 July 2009:

How do you know that Jesus knew humans didn’t have the gift of mind reading? Are you reading his mind?

My comment is in no way attempting to disrespect Jesus. I fully believe he is the Son of God.
Pingback by Sunday Siesta – June 21st | Change your thoughts on 18 July 2009:

[...] The Golden rule is wrong guest post by Robin Kriglestein – A Daring Adventure [...]
Comment by Stinky24 on 22 October 2009:

The main vice of capitalism is the uneven distribution of prosperity. ,
Comment by Daddy66 on 23 October 2009:

Then there was a hard time in my life, I had an accident. ,