I pretty much agree with everything you said in that last reply actually! And also, as I said above I spend a lot of time focussing on the good parts of my life and on what I can achieve. And I achieve lots of stuff – you can see at Not Done Living links to most of the things I do online, and I also do local advocacy for others with disabilities who aren’t as articulate (or as willing to be the squeaky wheel) as I am.

I did write about it in my last comment but I don’t usually think so much about things I’d rather be different, except when something changes or progresses and then I have to grieve for whatever new losses I have before I can be more accepting again.

I don’t know your blog personally (although I’m going to look after I write this!), so this may be redundant but what you’re saying sounds very Buddhist. I’m not Buddhist myself but I meditate almost every day as it’s one of the few things I can almost always do! I’d like to find a meditation teacher who’ll come to my house as I can’t go to regular meetings/classes but it’s proving a challenge.

Thanks for interacting with me like this, it’s been really interesting. Off to investigaet your blog now!

Cheers,
r

Ricky Buchanans last blog post..No Pity City – Now In Australia and Canada Too!

First of all, the inconsistencies I spoke of weren’t simply between reality and beliefs, but between any of the elements that make up our lives: reality, beliefs, intellect, emotions and actions.

We must begin by accepting reality for what it is. We have a limited scope to change it (i.e. “command” reality so that it can serve us better, such as building planes, fire, etc.) but we cannot change natural laws, including our nature as human beings. This means that we must accept our own human limitations.

Frustration arises when we want reality to be different to what it is, but this is a losing battle we cannot fight for long.

All human beings have limits. We cannot control the weather or prevent the roof from falling on our heads. This is where our ability to take action might not always match the demands reality places on us (i.e. there’s an inconsistency between reality and action). We are not omnipotent, which explains why life can be a struggle.

I appreciate that you are experiencing challenges the majority of people aren’t facing. I personally don’t like to give advice or suggestions to people whose struggles I haven’t personally experienced, but I offer this idea for your consideration:

Our happiness in life is largely dependent on what we choose to focus on. I have many limitations that I choose to ignore because thinking about them will make my life a bit sucky. Since they are things I cannot change (or maybe cannot currently change) I need to focus on what I can change and what I can achieve. The feeling of competence is a self-esteem booster, so rather than think of what I’m not good at I can think about what I am good at and to appreciate my strengths rather than be upset about my weaknesses.

Haiders last blog post..Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway

I hadn’t thought about wishful thinking but yes, it fits the model in terms of the things you can do being bigger (in some areas, anyway) than reality. I’m guilty of that sometimes!

What did I disagree with, primarily this section:

All human problems stem from conflicts or inconsistencies between these elements: when our beliefs don’t match reality, we are using a map that doesn’t accurately reflect the terrain. We could be banging our heads against a dead-end when our map says we’re on a highway.

“All human problems” is a huge generalisation – I believe a lot of problems do indeed stem from our beliefs not matching reality, primarily (as you said above) when we hold self-limiting beliefs that have no basis in reality. But sometimes it’s not that your map is wrong, it’s just that the terrain sucks!

I spend a fair bit of time on “self” work and on dealing with my physical limitations and making the most of what I have and being happy with it, but basically being bedridden SUCKS! The medical problems suck! The fact it takes me more than a month to recover from a 4 day hospital stay sucks! The part where I don’t have a firm diagnosis sucks! The diagnosis it looks like I’ll get would mean that I have a very limited possibility of improving physicallly, this sucks! This suckage isn’t because my map of the terrain (my beliefs) is wrong – it’s just because the terrain (reality) is really not nice.

Like I said, I usually deal with this well and work hard to make sure that I get as much out of life as possible. I try very hard not to get caught up in how much reality limits me, but that doesn’t stop it limiting me – it just stops me from limiting myself further by spending energy bemoaning my fate. If I curled up under the covers and refused to come out because I couldn’t walk or couldn’t go outside or whatever, that would be stupid. But I think that denying that these severe health problems make reality suck is just as stupid.

What sayeth you?

Cheers,
Ricky

Ricky Buchanans last blog post..No Pity

Thank you for your input. It’s never too late to appreciate a sound opinion. :)

Your model is crystal clear. However, I would say that the second circle (our beliefs) can extend beyond the first circle (reality) as well. We can either hold on to limited beliefs (and shrink our 2nd circle), or we can hold on to wishful thinking and enlarge that circle beyond our realistic limitations. I wrote this article to address the latter problem.

I’d be interested to know what you disagreed with in the article. :D

Thanks again for your contribution!

Haider

Haiders last blog post..Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway

In my particular situation I’m severely disabled and bedridden. I only have a small amount of mental/emotional energy each day and so even on the computer where my physical limitations are less significant I have to triage my life down to what’s most important and only do that. This IS reality, so no matter how much I try to ignore it, motivate myself, be positive, or whatever, it still influences what I can achieve.

The way I see this personally, in terms of a Venn diagram, is that what we could possibly do in reality is a large circle and what we believe we can do is a smaller circle inside the large one – what we actually do is an even smaller circle that’s usually inside the second one. Enlarging the two smaller circles is a worthwhile and useful and positive goal of life coaching, but trying to make somebody believe that the larger circle (what’s actually possible) is infinitely large is ultimately counter-productive because it’s not true and eventually the person will realise that.

I hope that made sense – it would be much easier if I could draw a picture for you!

Cheers,
Ricky

Ricky Buchanans last blog post..Using A Desktop Computer In Bed

http://seeinggood.com/its-awesome-you-feel-bad-create-sustainable-optimism/

Loris last blog post..10 Reasons It’s Awesome People Don’t Like You

I think personal growth literature now focuses too much on positive thinking and how to induce positive emotions, without really showing how these relate to our lives.

I wrote about this on my blog:

http://personalgrowthmap.com/2009/03/30/negative-emotions-are-healthy/

Haiders last blog post..Short Film: What Is That?

Loris last blog post..10 Reasons It’s Awesome People Don’t Like You

* Our *life* is based on our perceptions. If we believe we can’t run a marathon, we won’t be able to run one. Not because we lack the physical strength to do so, but because we exclude the possibility from our lives. Therefore, we don’t even bother trying.

* Perception (and beliefs) shape the life we lead. How we see ourselves, the people around us and the world we live in determines the kind of emotions we experience and the decisions we make.

* We live in a world with fixed laws and, as human beings, we have a particular nature. There’s a lot of room in which we can make decisions, but there are things we simply cannot change about our nature.

* To experience the greatest joy and success, we need to adjust our beliefs so that they can match reality. This is done by embracing natural laws and working according to them. Rather than getting frustrated with ourselves for needing sleep and rest, we accept this about ourselves and actually sleep and rest.

* Our beliefs are not reality, but our understanding of reality. Just because someone believes that a race is inferior to another or that it is acceptable to murder others doesn’t make these things true or right. They will determine how the person behaves and lead his life, but they are not reality.

* By accepting that our beliefs don’t always match reality, we approach life with the desire to develop understanding rather than blame ourselves for not creating the reality we want. In the same way that the Wright brothers sought to understand physical laws in order to build a flying vehicle, we need to understand ourselves in order to be successful.

* If we say: “We create our reality,” we will experience frustration whenever we don’t get the results we want. We may think that we lack motivation, when the problem is that we simply lack knowledge. Building a house isn’t simply based on enthusiasm and the belief you can build a house. It needs knowledge about how houses are to be constructed and gathering the right tools for the job.

* By accepting that there is a reality that is separate from our thinking and our perceptions (e.g. gravity doesn’t exist because we want it to exist), we will acknowledge the importance of gaining knowledge and adjusting our thinking accordingly.

I hope it makes sense now and thank you very much for pointing out the fact that my writing isn’t the easiest to understand! ;)

Haiders last blog post..Short Film: What Is That?

I realized immediately after I posted my comment that I didn’t really agree with my initial response. Creating lasting change isn’t quite as simple as doing something differently. I have lots of experience doing the dirty work of therapy, so I understand the importance of exploring complex roots.

That being said (and with all due respect) I still find this post a little confusing. Even your last comment leaves me scratching my head a tad. I don’t see how the example relates to over-intellectualizing. (I think you’re equating learning and over-analyzing…which I believe are two different things.)

I can say this much: my entire belief system (and blog) depends on the idea reality is all about perception. This is my conclusion based on my experiences and it empowers me. However, I’d love to understand your theory better to either reaffirm or evolve mine. Perhaps I’ll have to buy the book!

Lori

Loris last blog post..10 Reasons It’s Awesome People Don’t Like You