Stress Is A Myth - Part 2

Posted on 30 May 2008

Being a life coach I probably hear the word stress more often than most people. Having said that, I’m sure even the most hearing impaired, half-wit troglodyte comes across it several times per day in either words or actions. People get stressed by work, stressed by the kids, stressed by their boss, stressed by their spouse and stressed by reading blogs about stress. It’s pandemic and shows absolutely no sign of abating any time soon.

If you really wanted to freak yourself out, and let’s face it, who doesn’t? You could replace the word stress with scared or fearful. I know, I know, YOU’RE not in a perpetual state of fear, but look at those other people, if you think carefully about it, they obviously are.

I’m stressed by work really could translate into I’m fearful of losing my job, and not being able to provide for myself and/or my family. I’m stressed about having to make a speech in all likelihood means I’m scared I’ll mess up and people will laugh at me. Even something as innocuous as I’m stressed by the next door neighbor playing loud music, probably means something like I’m petrified that I wont sleep well and then I’ll be irritable at work and go on an axe-wielding rampage again and butcher half the accounting department.

I’m not sure how useful it is to know this other than I suspect most people will be far less inclined to admit fear than they are to admit being stressed. Some people wear stress like a badge of pride, almost as though it’s some sign of social success and they feel the need to tell everybody and anybody how uptight they are about things. After all, if you are earning a 6 figure salary then you have to be stressed senseless, because that’s what they pay you for, right? Not in my world it isn’t.

Next time you’re ready to announce to the world you’re stressed senseless, try replacing the phrase with I’m scared s***less and see how it changes your experience. See if living in a permanent state of fear is as acceptable to you as feeling stressed all the time. If it isn’t, then maybe it’s about time to do something about it rather than buying into the myth that like piles, chronic stress is just something that we have to learn to live with.

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Stress Is A Myth

Posted on 28 May 2008

The word stress gets bandied around more freely than Vodka at a Polish wedding yet the reality is that it doesn’t exist as a single entity. It’s a catchall term that we use to describe any number of different conditions including worry, fear, anxiety and lack of control.

I’m going to go even further and say there is no such thing as stress per se. Think of any event that currently ‘stresses you out’ and ask yourself if there is any person in the world that could deal with that situation and not be stressed about it? If the answer is yes (and by the way, that is the only sensible answer you can give,) then by definition it’s not the event that’s stressful, but the interpretation that you place on it. Where did the stress disappear to with the other person? Did it evaporate in to thin air, catch a #22 bus to the coast or was it simply a figment of your minds over active imagination?

If I picked up a bathroom plunger and then brutally shoved it on to your face and pumped it two or three times in the usual manner until your eye popped out, you would experience pain. There’s no need for you to think “Hmm there seems to be a hole where once my eye was, I’m sure that should hurt” before you start shrieking hysterically and rolling around on the floor with blood pouring from you now very empty eye socket, it will all happen quite naturally.

That’s what we call cause and effect, but stress isn’t like that. With stress there is something between cause and effect and that is the interpretation that you place on the events. Without that interpretation of what the situation or event means to you, you have no stress, leaving aside any genuine fight or flight response that works purely at an unconscious level.

If you think hard enough you can come up with a negative event that you once dealt really well with and another almost identical event that you didn’t deal at all well with. So what’s the deal? They’re the same thing, why on earth shouldn’t you manage them equally as well or equally as poorly for that matter?

If you are already feeling in a bad mood, not very well, drunk, tired or a St Louis Rams fan then your tolerance to stress is vastly reduced and that’s going to be reflected in how you deal with things. If on the other hand you’re feeling great and life seems like a walk in the park then you will laugh in the face of stress and probably tweaks its beard for good measure too.

How is this information useful you may be thinking?

Next time you get that horrible feeling of being stressed out take a few deep diaphragmatic breaths and a metaphorical step back. Realize that you are in control of your self and what you think, if nothing much else. Then question how important it is in the great scheme of things. Are you really likely to lose your job, all your money and your house? Or is it just a storm in a teacup, a situation that you’ll have forgotten about in a week’s time, just like all the others? You’ve dealt with every other single stressful situation you’ve encountered in your life, so why not this one?

I was being provocative with my headline. I realize that stress blights us all from time to time and I’m not meaning to belittle the impact it can have. However, if we realize and accept that we are the perpetrators of our own stress levels and not our boss, our partner or our bank manager then we can take steps to reduce the overall load we place on ourselves. That’s a much better option than looking for ways to justify why we are right in feeling so wound up and embedding the myth that chronic stress is part and parcel of modern living. Maybe it is, but it doesn’t have to be.

I’d really like to hear your take on stress, especially if you have some cool ways of combating it.

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The Sunday Review

Posted on 25 May 2008

I’ve decided that I am going to do a review every Sunday because not only do I want to look at new books and audio programs that I’m reading or have just read, but also review some of the ones that have influenced me in the past.

If you read my blog and enjoy it I guess you must have least a passing liking for my sense of humor. It’s not normal I admit, but it keeps me chuckling to myself for hours on end and if a few other kindred spirits can chuckle along with me, then so much the better.

I read a number of other self-development sites a few of which are excellent, but they seldom make me laugh. I know that’s not always the point and on the whole they are there to provide information to help people make beneficial changes should they so wish, and not necessarily to have people rolling around clutching their sides in fits of hysterical guffawing. Having said that. I like to laugh a lot, so when I do occasionally find a blog that not only offers great advice, but also allows me to titter, snicker and belly laugh too boot, I like to tell others.

So here I am today not only telling you about a very funny and interesting blog but also about an e-book that stemmed from that blog.

Putting Things Off is a productivity/tech blog for people that might not normally read productivity/tech blogs. It blends latest news, trends and information with a highly amusing delivery that will have you wetting yourself. You’ll not laugh, you’ll just wet yourself. I’m not going to review the site as such because now I’ve told you it’s brilliant you can click through and check it out for yourself

I do want to look at an e-book that Nick from Putting Things Off has published called ‘todoodlist’ If you are a David Allen devotee and think Getting Things Done is the bible of productivity then you may not like this particular style of approach. GTD as it has rather absurdly become known (just wait till my book is called DASQTANSQ – then I’ll know I’ve made it) is a very useful book, but it was about as entertaining a read as ‘Concrete Weekly incorporating The Gravel Digest’ It was written for a certain type of person, a boring one I’d like to say, but that would be unfair and probably not even true but it was dry, very dry.
‘todoodlist’ is not like that at all; in fact it is highly amusing. Nick went back to basics, right back to basics. In fact, if he’d gone any further back he’s have been chiseling away inside a cave without the use of a pre-frontal cortex.

He passed up on his pc, palm pilot, and planner and in their place introduced a pencil and piece of paper. He then got Peter Piper to pick a peck of pickled pepper and probably poked Peter Pipers plucky, poorly, portly parrot for pleasure. I’m not 100% sure of the last bit, I’m reading between the lines, but I do know he definitely reverted to a pen and paper.

The whole premise of the book is that we have a tendency to overcomplicate matters and just because some electrical device comes along and claims to be the answer to all our productivity woes, doesn’t necessarily make it so. The reason why we used pencils and paper (or some form of them) for hundreds of years wasn’t simply because we were all sat around waiting for somebody to invent the iPhone, it was because they worked.

As a man that has to juggle 3 things: Am I supposed to be seeing a client? I supposed to be writing? Or am I good to lounge around doing neither of the first two things? Then any more streamlining of my life would be somewhat superfluous. As I read the book though, it did become apparent to me that if I were to need a quick and easy way to see what projects and work I had on the go at any one time, then Nicks idea was cunning in it’s simplicity.

Nick wasn’t satisfied with simply revamping the to do list, he took on other aspects that we come to expect from PDA’s such as the calendar, notes and even using a banana as a reminder. I’d like to say the last one was a metaphor, but he really did use a banana to write reminders on.

The book is a clever blend of new and old technology. I did feel a little like I was reading an amalgam of some of the best bits of The 4 Hour Work Week and Getting Things Done for the last chapter, but that’s a minor quibble because it was a damn fine read

Just in case you were in any doubt, this is NOT a paid review. I do not do paid reviews and only review stuff that I actually like.

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The People Who Are NOT Making You Fat … And The One Who Is

Posted on 22 May 2008

A big thanks to Ali Hale from The Office Diet for today’s post. (BTW, that’s not her in the picture).
When our life doesn’t have quite the shape we want, it’s easy to blame other people. Have you ever denied all responsibility for our weight and eating habits, insisting that “I try to diet, but other people make me fat?”

Your Mom

Maybe, when you were a kid, bumps and bruises were “treated” with a kiss and a handful of smarties. So now, every time you scoff a super-sized bar of chocolate when you’re feeling a bit down, it’s all mom’s fault. She’s the reason you think food will make you feel better, right?

Here’s the catch, though: You’re not five years old any more. You’re allowed to cross the road on your own (unless you’re a little old lady, in which case you’re obliged to wait for a passing boy scout.) You get to make your own choices about what you eat and don’t eat, and when.

When your latest project is going tits up at work, Mom isn’t standing there saying, “Here, sweetie, have some candy.” (If she is, I suggest you find out what the heck she’s doing in your office …) And when you have a big row with your partner, I’m pretty sure mom won’t be advising on the phone “Never mind, love, eat two tubs of Ben and Jerry’s and it’ll all be fine.” Especially if the row was about who ate the last of the Ben and Jerry’s.

So stop blaming poor old mom. Even if, every time you visit home, she piles your plate high with sugar and fat laden foods that were your favourites as a kid … you don’t have to eat everything that’s in front of you. If that really would cause so much offence that you’ll be disowned for ever, why don’t you offer to do the cooking, for a change?

Your Colleagues

(If you’re a stay-at-home mom/dad, or if you work from home, skip this section and read the next one.)

Yeah, yeah, I know, you start off every Monday on a new diet and you really mean it this week. You’ve got positive affirmations coming out of your ears (or more unmentionable places), you’ve NLP-optimised the motivational text on your screensaver, and you’ve almost convinced yourself that you’re looking forward to a low-fat sandwich and big salad for lunch.

And then, of course, it all goes wrong … and your colleagues are completely to blame. First, the guys opposite were eating doughnuts for breakfast. Well, you sat there a bit smug, thinking about the healthy bran cereal and dried fruit you ate earlier … but you couldn’t help feeling a bit deprived. How come they get to eat donuts for breakfast? It’s so unfair. If you have to stick to this stupid diet now, does that mean you’ll never be able to eat another donut? A sticky, jammy, sugary, yummy bundle of fried goodness?

Whilst in this donut-despair, you’re accosted by the “birthday girl” who’s brought in a whole box of homemade cupcakes. Well, you deserve a cupcake, right? And you’ll hurt her feelings if you say “no thanks”. And it won’t really make any difference, will it, one teeny tiny cupcake (well, okay, quite big cupcake, in fact, giant cupcake with enough frosting to keep three kids on a manic sugar high for several days…)

Then, at lunch time, your team decide to order pizza. You’ll just have to have that sandwich and salad tomorrow; after all, today’s already gone a bit pear-shaped, dieting-wise. You’ll make a fresh start in the morning…

Months later, when every Monday is still “a new diet”, you’re certain that your colleagues are at fault. But have you ever tried bringing in fruit instead of cookies when it’s your turn to provide a communal treat? Have you ever said “No pizza for me, thanks, I’ve got sandwiches?” Have you ever refused the offer of a cupcake with a “They look gorgeous, I’ll have one in a bit, just as soon as I’ve finished this spreadsheet…”

You don’t have to copy everything your colleagues do, or follow every office fad. (Unless the craze at work is Twitter; this has enlivened my day job no end…) This time, you need to remember what mom taught you: “Just because Larry did it, doesn’t mean you have to. If Larry jumped off a cliff…”

Your Kids

I must confess to a bit of ignorance here, as I don’t have kids yet. (If you don’t either, skip, skip merrily on your way to the next section.) But from those poor shellshocked, sleep-deprived, Barney-hating folk who have gone and offsprung, I gather that kids make you fat in these ways:

• They leave bits of slobbered-on burgers, and mushed-up fries, on their plates, obliging you to finish off every last morsel before having your own dinner.

• They are such annoying little blighters at times that as soon as they’re packed off to bed or bedazzled by the latest and most garish cartoon, you turn to chocolate/cheese and crackers/a large glass of wine.

• They demand cookies, chips, fizzy pop, candy and other diet-unfriendly options. And with those in the house, how can you be expected to resist?

Kids, eh? How did something so small get to dictate your diet? Here’s a thought: You’re the parent. You’re in control (however much it might not feel like it at times.) You get to say who eats what and when. And that goes for yourself, as well as for your kids.

Your Friends

Even worse than your colleagues are those so-called friends who give you chocolates, bring round batches of home-baked goodies, cook delicious meals for you, and suggest trying that new restaurant that’s just opened round the corner.

How dare they? Don’t they know that you really really want to stick to your diet this time, but that they’re forcing you to give in at every turn? And if you turn down that second slab of gooey chocolate cake, you’ll ruin the dinner party … won’t you? They’ll think you hate their cooking. They’ll think you hate them. They’ll never speak to you again…

Wait a minute. Aren’t these people your friends? Haven’t they stuck with you despite your occasional moods, your sudden crazes for bizarre hobbies (like when you subjected them to a stand-up comedy routine involving jokes about tarts, whipped cream, and vicars … and what do you mean, it was an innocent suggestion about the Church catering for the local garden party?) Even if you talk about nothing but calories, grams of fat and “good” carbs for the next month, they’ll still love you (but they might yawn pointedly). Your friends want to see you making the most of yourself; if that means you switch to diet coke and propose bowling trips instead of curry fests, they’ll go along with it.

So, who the heck is making you fat?

You’re a smart bunch (I know you are, cuz Tim uses big words and big ideas like “neuro-linguistic programming” and “affirmations”. Words which you don’t see in the “Kids’ Picture Dictionary”.)

So I’ll let you answer this one.

“The person making me fat is ______________”

Need a hint?

Ali blogs about healthy living for busy office workers at The Office Diet, dealing with the really tricky questions like “Why do I eat when I’m stressed?”, “How can I prepare lunch in five minutes flat?” and “What should I say if I want to refuse a cookie without causing intra-office war?” You can grab her RSS feed here too.

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How To Change Your Attitude

Posted on 20 May 2008

After saying yesterday that I thought attitude was everything and suggesting it dictated the quality of our lives, Vered from MomGrind put me on the spot to explain how we change our own attitude.

Well never one to back down from a challenge unless it involves a bottle of scotch a donkey and two nuns, I thought I’d have a bash at explaining how you take over the beast within.

The starting point is to believe that you can change. If you don’t believe it, then you wont do it. I’m not asking you to think it’s going to be easy or an overnight thing, just that in principal you’re up for the task. The hardest clients that I have to deal with are ones that lack commitment and/or belief because most of my time is spent working on those issues and they are seldom the ones that prompted the contact.

The starting point after the original starting point that we just started is to understand that ALL your feelings stem from your thoughts. If you are in a bad mood and Mr. or Mrs. Attitude has climbed onboard and taken over the controls, it’s because you invited them. In all likelihood it was done at an unconscious level, so don’t start arguing with me just because you can’t remember thinking negatively before you hurled a tirade of abuse at the Jehovah’s Witness.

You can think very quickly and very efficiently at an unconscious level. You’ve had years and years of practice. Imagine how good you would be if you did nothing but practice filleting fish 8 hours a day for 5 years. You’d be a fish filleter par excellence and people would be traveling from far and wide to see you remove dem bones, dem bones, dem, wet bones…probably. Well forget the fish, because you’ve been practicing your thinking 24 hours per day for however many years you’ve been alive, so you’re even better at THAT. There’s always stuff going on at an unconscious level unless you are either a very good meditator or a bit dead, so the practice keeps building on itself.

The act of being aware of your thinking is crucial to making changes but you have to start the intervention process by simply observing. That’s right; just listen out for what you’re twittering on about when you’re feeling like the world is conspiring against you. It probably wont be good.

There are two approaches you can take. Actually that’s not true; there are lots, but only 2 that I recommend to help you change your thought process and your mood/attitude.

The first involves simply listening for neggy stuff and then backing up and replacing it with comments that you’d like your Granny to hear.

“Why has that $%#@*&^ got 11 items in his basket when it’s a 10 items or less line” could be deleted and replaced by “Phew I’m glad I don’t eat what this guy eats, he’ll be dead in a month with coronary artery disease” Maybe that’s not the best example because it’s still a tad attitudey, but you get the idea. What you replace it with really depends on your personality and what makes you feel comfortable. Here are a few examples, some of which may work for you, some of which may not:

• This guy has been put here to teach me patience
• I am so happy to be alive when so many people are dead and some of them have been dead for decade’s even centuries. That’s really tough
• Great, I have chance to read one of these highly informative and caring tabloid newspapers

Even though this could win the 2008 International Award for Glaringly Obvious Things To Do, it still amazes me how many people never try it. Or maybe it doesn’t, because there will be precious little instant gratification and that’s usually what people want, me included.

It’s not technical stuff and it’s not hard, but it does take persistence and commitment. The more you do it, the more you spot yourself saying all sorts of weird and wonderful things. Each time, you get to back up, delete what you said, and replace it with something that serves you and makes you as happy as the Gator mistakenly invited by a short-sighted administrator to be a pat dog in the chicken hospital.

If you don’t like that method you can try the questioning yourself method. This is my favorite hence I wrote an entire book on the damn things. However, the type of questions you chose is critical. Apart from the obvious things not to ask yourself like “Should I punch this guy or just accidentally knock his basket to the floor and then punch him as he bends down?” you should also avoid questions that just aren’t you. Don’t make them too contrived and have your unconscious sniggering behind your back. Here are a few examples to use or abuse at your leisure:

• What else can this mean?
• I wonder what his/her story is?
• How can I benefit from this?
• How can I make this more interesting?
• What can I do differently to feel better?
• How would I like to be treated in this situation?
• What if that were my mom?

So there you have it. It’s not difficult to think of a question when you’re in a funk that will break your state and have you thinking differently. The real trick is deciding whether you can be bothered or not. Change is easy if the will is there, but it will require a lifetime of effort. Are you up for the challenge, or are you a wuss?

If you like this why not forward the link on to somebody else, subscribe to the RSS feed or just send me wads of cash and the deeds to your house. I’m not proud.

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Attitude Is Everything

Posted on 18 May 2008

I was doing some sedate Sunday morning web trawling and I came across this post at the DocInTheBiz blog. This is a site I subscribe to and read on a regular basis and I like what Dr KC has to say. Having said that, I love it when people I respect say something I disagree with, and this is a case in point. I guess in my pursuit of ongoing self improvement it really ought to be a side of my nature I should be looking to phase out, but I can’t help myself, I just love a good argument, er, I mean debate.

If you can’t be bothered to click on the link or if you’re anything like me and when you follow a link you then forget why you went there and never go back again, here is the crux of what she had to say.

The title of the post is: ‘Is Attitude Everything?’ I’m going to take a leap of faith here and presume she means attitude is everything in terms of personal success. Dr KC then explains that she thinks that attitude is 75% of ‘it’ but the other 25% ‘itness’ is made up of 20% extrinsic factors (relationships, jobs, environmental factors) and 5% luck.

I heartily agree with 75% of what she has to say and disagree with 25%.

In my humble opinion success is 100% attitude and 0% everything else.

I have to add that not only is this an opinion, but it’s an opinion based on my interpretation of success and that may well differ from yours. Definition of success is totally subjective, so I guess I should define what it means to me. I know, I know, it’s all about me again; I’m such an egomaniac. Don’t worry though humility is on my to-do list of personal changes at # 187 and 3 places above ‘drop sarcastic argumentative behavior, it’s not big and it’s not clever’ so I’ll be getting round to it in about 9 years.

Success to me is living in alignment with ones own values.

Is that it? Well yeh, pretty much. Sorry for the anti-climax.

Anybody that lives in alignment with his or her values is leading a successful life in my opinion. Success isn’t an amount of money, an award, a big house, a position of power or even having 5,000 subscribers to your blog. All of those are well and good if that’s what you want and may indeed come to a successful person, but they indicate nothing other than the person concerned has money, an award or two, a big house, a position of power and is read a lot.

Was Marilyn Monroe or Richard Nixon a success? What about Howard Hughes or even Jimi Hendrix? Then there’s Jack Bauer the worlds greatest spy come homicidal lunatic, he MUST be a success, right?

You don’t need me to tell you all of those people will have been looked upon as huge successes by millions of people, yet all died deeply troubled and unhappy, how successful is that? Even a fictional character like Jack Bauer is seen as a success. This is one of the most troubled souls ever to walk the planet we’re talking about. He’s had more failed relationships that Elizabeth Taylor, suffered more serious injuries than the entire the Marine Corps and killed more people than the bubonic plague and he’s still seen as Mr. Cool. Men want to be him, women want to bed him and evil-doers probably want to be killed by him. What’s going on? The fact is, I love the little scallywag too!

I have absolutely no idea how this post got here and what the relevance is, but I’m going to dust myself down and crack on regardless, so bear with me as I try and drag it back to the point at hand.

If you have a great attitude, which to me involves living in alignment with your values then it doesn’t matter about any of the external stuff. Everything else is just fluff because you will be a huge success in your own eyes and that’s what matters most. Most of us like the approval of others, but when it dictates who we are as people then the balance is way out of kilter and we’re going to struggle to be happy.

Let’s take a ridiculous example to drive home the point.

Can you think of anybody that has had his country invaded, been in exile for almost 40 years, seen his countrymen and women butchered and still remained in a state of calm and retained his dignity? Of course you can.

I’m guessing that you’re not the Dalai Lama, but you’re very similar. You have the same ability to decide how you respond to external events that he has. You may not think you have, but I beg to differ because you’re a human being and it’s your attitude that dictates what you can and cannot achieve. It may take you 25 years of hard work to get there, but those 25 years will come to pass whatever you decide to do.

Is it easy to retain a brilliant can-do attitude when things are going tits up to coin a lovely Old Englishe phrase? No of course not, it’s harder than hell but that’s not the point., it can be done and it’s up to you whether you have the desire to do it or not.

If you have a brilliant attitude you’ll see reversals in fortune no matter what they are, as opportunities in disguise and that makes you a success in my eyes, but who cares what I think?

If you want to know more about values and why I think they are so important download my free e-book from here. It really doesn’t get much cheaper than that and before you ask, no I am not paying you to take it off my hands, just download it and do as you’re told.

Final note: I am on the fence as to whether a change of attitude can bring somebody out of severe depression, bi-polar etc. My gut feeling is that chemical imbalances are caused by thinking rather than vice versa, but that is purely a lay-persons opinion so take it for what it’s worth.

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Broth

Posted on 14 May 2008

If you have stopped by today on the look out for nuggets of information to help you develop yourself into the beautiful person that you want to be, you may want to keep moving. I don’t think it’s unfair to say that today’s post is a tad self-indulgent, has precious little to do with Life Coaching and isn’t for the squeamish. You have been warned, so read on at your peril!

Yesterday I had to have some root work done at my dentist. Not so bad you may be thinking, not pleasant admittedly, but nothing out of the ordinary. A-ha, that’s what you think! I’m talking about the actual root here, the thing that holds the tooth where it’s supposed to be, not the root canal. Root canal extractions are for sissies, I had the entire root extracted. Apparently it’s a procedure about as rare as a Democratic nominee graciously accepting defeat and unfortunately, about as financially and physically painful.

I knew things weren’t looking too good when my dentist prescribed Vicodin as I was leaving. I thought that was normally reserved for people with limbs hanging off, sharp metal objects wedged in their head or famous movie stars that needed a mid-week pick me up. I’d only had some dental work carried out, but he insisted with a big smile that I take the prescription. Needless to say, a few hours later I was on bended knees at the alter of the God that is Vicodin and thanking any Deity that was prepared to listen to my chemically induced ramblings.

I’ve had a few medical issues lately that I’m not going to bore you with other than to say two weeks ago I was told I needed an endoscopy and a colonoscopy. I wasn’t particularly impressed at the thought of going through both ‘oscopy’s’ simultaneously, but then after a quick reframe I thought, “What the hell, it’s a great opportunity to get checked over in the only areas of my body that haven’t been invaded by doctors lately”.

That is due to happen tomorrow and I am relatively chilled about it, although I suspect the Vicodin is helping somewhat. What I’m not chilled about though is the fact that I can’t eat for 24 hours. I’d have rather they told me I had to wear sandpaper underwear and go horseback riding on a three legged horse for 6 hours than that.

Actually I’m not being completely honest; I can eat Broth and Jello. The word broth to me suggested something that is nourishing, and filling whilst at the same time comforting and homely. Obviously I’ve never actually drunk a bowl of broth before, because if I had, I wouldn’t have been thinking that load of old nonsense

I opened my tin of broth that looked amazingly unlike the picture in this post and was ready with my trusty sieve to catch any solid food that I had to avoid. I started to pour but couldn’t actually see anything being caught by the sieve. I didn’t have my glasses on though and felt sure that there must be lots of meaty goodness being trapped there and the really good stuff was probably still at the bottom of the can. I finished pouring and looked at the sieve. Then I looked in the can, and then at the sieve again. Not only was there nothing in the sieve but also nothing left in the can and definitely nothing in the bowl. Is this what the world of broth has come to?

I went to get to my glasses to read the label because I was starting to think I’d opened the wrong can. I was shocked to read I hadn’t, that this indeed was ‘Beef Broth and I was about to sample what the label described as “A piping hot beverage”

I started to think about that description from an NLP standpoint. You may have read some posts when I have spoken about artfully vague language. Just in case you haven’t, it’s the clever use of words designed to encourage the recipient to attach their own suitable meaning to what has been said because there is no real literal meaning. Apparently Campbell’s wrote the book on artfully vague language

Piping hot it may well have been if I’d have heated up for long enough and it certainly was a beverage, but everything above and beyond that came out of my own over-active and unrealistic imagination.

As I scanned the label further I noticed some block capitals under directions that said:

DO NOT DILUTE

“What the hell am I going to dilute it with?” I thought. If I added water it would only bulk it up. This entire can went through a sieve and never even got the mesh wet. The phrase watery is about to disappear from the English language and be replaced by brothy.

I then looked at the ingredients and immediately wished I hadn’t. Apart from a generous serving of MSG there were all sorts of other things I had never heard of and none of them sounded good. I consoled myself with the fact that at least the ingredients only appeared to make up 1% of what I was about to eat. I can only conclude that the other 99% is water. If you know different, please don’t tell me, I really would rather stay in blissful ignorance.

I have another 18 hours of broth heaven to look forward to. I may well experiment with a chicken broth later and even go nuts and try some vegetable broth for supper. Whatever I decide to eat though I know I’ll always come back my first love of Beef Broth whenever I need a Piping Hot Beverage.

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How To Win An Argument

Posted on 13 May 2008

I want to pick up from a post that I recently wrote called ‘Chunky Monkey Builds A Plane’ I think I did the skill of chunking a huge disservice in my original post because I only focused on the aspect of chunking down and never mentioned chunking up or sideways. Jumping to my own defense, because let’s face it nobody else will be bothering to, I was talking about procrastination issues due to overwhelm, and in that respect, chunking down was my weapon of choice.

Last week and again this week I have been working with clients on issues that benefited from having the ability to chunk up. Each time I talked about it to my client I thought about my first post with a certain sense of unease. It was as though I’d let you my loyal and lovable reader down by only giving you half the story.

Today I intend to make reparation and show you why chunking up is the tool of choice for hostage negotiators and how it can help you in hopefully more mundane situations where you want to get your own way.

Let’s suppose you’re a balding male guy having a bit of a midlife crisis and you just know the best way out of it is to buy yourself a new BMW Z4 with the family savings. Obviously that is just a random hypothetical situation and not one I have ever been through myself, but it works well for our example.

You decide to tell your partner that you need this new car and that it will be the answer to all your mid-life problems and make you eternally happy. She is less than convinced because she is in touch with her Zen side and knows that happiness only comes from within, unless of course it’s a Tiffany necklace, a Coach handbag or a pair of Jimmy Choo’s, then and only then, it can be external.

You could get into the typical backwards and forwards debate that swiftly moves into heated argument closely followed up by banging of doors, shouting of insults and careful instructions as to where you can place your new car. You may eventually get your own way, or you may not, but to coin a military term, you’ll not be winning any hearts and minds.

When you have a stalemate like this it’s necessary to look at the big picture. Start to find out what both parties really want at a much more general and higher level, so ask the following question.

What do we both really want from this situation?

It’s doubtful asking that question alone will get you to a situation where you hug each, declare undying love and drive off into the sunset with the roof down on your shiny new car. However, by utilizing the word ‘both’ you immediately shift the emphasis of the discussion. Up until that point it’s likely that both parties were only really concentrating on what they wanted and thinking the other person was being an unreasonable half-wit.

If you were looking to remove overwhelming feelings associated with thinking of a big goal or important task, you do so by breaking it down into bite sized portions. Here we’re going to do the complete opposite and make each chunk more general and less specific. The more we do that, the more we are likely to gain agreement. Arguments are often conducted around the detail and if you can remove that, you reduce the likelihood of confrontation.

Let’s take a look at some possible answers and see what we difference chunking up can make:

Him: I want a BMW convertible
Her: I want to save some money

Chunk Up:

Him I want a sports car
Her: I want financial security

Chunk Up:

Him: I want to feel young again
Her: I don’t want to worry about the kid’s future

Chunk Up

Him: I just want to be happy
Her: I just want to be happy

You can see at each stage we are taking the argument to a higher level. Nobody wants a sports car because it’s the best method to get them from A to B and nobody saves money because they like looking at it. We want to find out what the end game is, what the person thinks they will achieve by reaching their goal.

If you keep going at some stage you will always meet in the middle. Hostage negotiators may have to chunk up to something as basic as “We all want to get out of this alive” to find common ground.

The moment you come to an agreement of what it is you really want, life becomes a lot easier. At that stage a lot of the emotion and confrontation of the event will evaporate because you have established common ground.

In our example we can see that both sides just want to be happy, so it’s imperative that both parties keep that in mind as we start to chunk back down with an occasional sideways chunk thrown in for good measure.

Him: Having that new car will make me happy
Her: Having money in the bank will make me happy

Chunk Down

Him: I suppose I’d be happy with an almost new car if that made you less concerned
Her: I guess if we could spend a little less and as long as we promise to re-pay it back into the bank that would be ok

Chunk Down (and a bit sideways)

Him: I suppose I could lease a car and that way we don’t need to actually spend so much cash up front
Her: I could stretch to that as long as you drop your subscriptions to a gym you never visit, a sports channel you never watch and sell the jet ski you never ride

Chunk Down

Him: I’ll go for the cheaper model if I can keep my gym membership because I’ll need 6 pack abs to go with this baby!
Her: Ok you’ve got a deal and anyway that Pilate’s teacher is gorgeous and he’ll love my, er I mean our, new convertible.

Chunking is a skill and as such need to be practiced if you want to get good at it. Imagine looking at an online map. You put in the address of your favorite pizza company in a town you don’t know and a map pops up as if my magic. You have no idea where it is, because it’s too localized, so you zoom out (chunk up). Then when you get your bearings and understand where abouts in the town it is, you can zoom in (chunking down) until you see the actual street you want. Now for some reason best known to you and for the sake of this rather contrived and badly thought out example, you realize that you want to know what the 2 streets to the north are called. What do you do? You click the arrow that moves the map north and end up chunking sideways.

Jeez that was hard work and wont win me any metaphor of the month competitions, but I hope you see why chunking can be incredible useful and it’s not the one trick pony I may have inadvertently made it out to be.

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Judgment Day

Posted on 10 May 2008

If you are a regular long time reader here you know that I love working with people that have huge goals. I had one guy that wants to be worth $3 billion, another that wants to be able to provide free medical care to any person in the world through a chain of walk-in centers, and yet another that wants be the first man to hop on one leg from Chicago to Mexico City blindfolded and wearing only a sombrero.

I really get pumped when I ask a client what they want to achieve and they spend the next half hour battering me with their hopes, dreams and wishes, as their entire body language goes into an endorphin fueled hyper-state and I try and keep up with note taking and wondering how the hell we’re going to do all this in the 4 session package they’ve just purchased.

That’s not to say I don’t enjoy working with people that have no (conscious) idea what their dreams are, it’s just that they pose a different set of issues to work round and it can take a bit longer to get into the full on state I just described.

I currently have a client that is very results focused. Most people come to life coaching not really sure what it is they want. They know that there is something out there better, but just can’t put their finger on what it is. This guy isn’t like that; he knows exactly what it is he wants and when he wants it by and it’s just a question of implementing a plan of action to get him there.

The goal list he came to me with was straight forward enough and I knew he was capable of matching and exceeding almost all of them. However, there was one little goal in there that made me raise an eyebrow. Actually that’s a lie, because I can’t raise just one eyebrow without the aid of a finger or a piece of fishing twine threaded through my forehead skin and an elaborate pulley system. I’ve always wanted to be able to do it and I seethe with envy at people that do it with ease, but I am destined for a life of duality on the eyebrow front. I would have done it now though, if I could have.

The goal was “To be able to look at someone without judging them on their outer appearance”

You may be thinking “That’s not that difficult” Or you may have an grasp on reality and be thinking “Jeez, why doesn’t he just aim for being the first man to hope on one leg from Chicago to Mexico City blindfolded and wearing only a sombrero, that would be much easier?”

The latter is certainly my take on it because it doesn’t get much bigger than that when it comes to goal setting. We spent half a session talking about what he meant by this and started to put some ideas into place.

For a few days afterwards I kept going back to this in my mind and I have to be honest and say I was swinging backwards and forwards on whether I thought it was a realistic goal. I know, I know, I hate even saying that because it imposes restrictions that I am not at all comfortable with. Every time I had such a thought I flogged myself merciless in a Da Vinci code style to teach me a lesson. That didn’t really work though because the time I was at the dentist people started complaining when I stripped to the waist and pulled out my trusty whip to give myself a damn good thrashing. Have they never heard of live and let live?

I should explain what I mean by saying such a goal might be unrealistic. I do think in theory it’s attainable, but to do so it would require such a devotion to task and a commitment to life long practice that it would rule out many other things, things that this particular client deemed important too.

If you have such a desire I am not meaning to suggest it’s difficult, so don’t even try. If it’s so important to you, so fundamental at your core that you’re prepared to make the kind of sacrifices that would be required to acquire such an enlightened state of being, then definitely go for it! Just make sure you are aware of the ‘Ecology’ in SMARTER goals and you can deal with it in your stride.

There may be a compromise to this situation that allows you to work on becoming the best person you can be without turning your life upside down.

What if you just let go of the idea that you thought you had to stop judging people? That you accepted that you will judge people from time to time but vowed not to beat yourself up about it? Each time it happens, you recognize what you have done and change the thought in your mind. By doing this, the events when you judge others will start to become further and further apart as you become conscious of your thoughts. On the occasions when you do slide back you agree that there’ll be no negative repercussions aimed at yourself. Wouldn’t that be a cool place to be?

The act of being non-judgmental starts with not judging ones self and maybe that’s the hardest thing for any living person to achieve.

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Which Half Do You Believe?

Posted on 8 May 2008

I just saw this video over at Saif Improvement and thought it was very cool. If you are a pessimist, stop wtaching about half way and all will be well in the world for you ;-)

Ok that’s enough with the pessimist bashing for one week!

This Is The Truth

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