Life Coaching Tip For Changing Habits - Part 2

Posted on 29 November 2007

So then following on from yesterdays post, how do you form new thoughts or more to the point how do you maintain them?

 

Firstly, you have to want to change. By that I mean it’s not usually enough to want to want to, you need to actually want to. Make sense? What do you mean no? Ok, seeing as it’s you and you are having a tough day I’ll explain what I mean.

 

People often come to me and say they want to give up smoking. I then ask them why? Usually that generates a look of horror akin to if I’d asked them if they could spare a kidney seeing as they have an extra one there is a positive reason why we undertake any action even if sometimes it isn’t immediately apparent, and that goes for smoking too. Until you accept that there is an upside to a habit that you’d like to break then you will struggle with breaking it because you are in conflict with your unconscious mind. After all, if there really were no upside you wouldn’t do it. So you may want to give up because you know it’s healthier to not smoke but that is wanting to want to. A real desire to stop is a different proposition altogether and most people recognize it when they feel it.

There are numerous ways to try breaking habits including timeline therapy, hypnotherapy, acupuncture etc but if you also use the following process you will infinitely improve your chances of success.
First and foremost, tell set a date for your new behavior to start. Write it down in your planner and stick to it.
Tell everybody and anybody that means anything o you what you are planning to do and back yourself so far into a corner that the merest indiscretion will cause severe discomfort.
Stat talking in positive language. You are not trying to give u, you have given up. You’re not trying to lose weight you are moving towards your target weight. Just dump the word try!
Make a list of what you have to gain from quitting and post it where you see it everyday.
Make a list of what you have to lose if you fail and promise that you will read it whenever you feel the urge to backslide.
Visualize yourself every night as the person that you want to be. Do this before you even start the change process. See what you would look like. Hear what you would sound like and feel what you would feel like. Really take time to savoir the new you!
Finally, if you slide back use that as a learning experience and not an excuse to beat yourself up. Look at why you had a brief slip and start again even more determined to be the person you want to be!

 

 

Keep in mind is that 90 day period that you are aiming for. Far too many people fall back just when they are about to breakthrough but I know you’re the kind of person that would do that, right? ;-)

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Life Coaching Tip For Changing Habits

Posted on 28 November 2007

Did you know that you spend about 95% of your day on autopilot? I know, it amazing isn’t it? I thought it was much more than that! Seriously though, the average human being and I am going to believe that you are one of those, is using their unconscious mind to get through the day the vast majority of their time. Think about it. When you drive are you thinking consciously about what you need to do, do you stop to think which side of the bed to get out of, how to shave, how to apply make-up, how you get dressed etc? Of course almost nobody does because we know these things at an unconscious level and that can free up our RAM or conscious mind to be doing other things that are much more important, or maybe not!

 

Unfortunately though most of the time we waste that opportunity and simply continue to do the same old same old. That is why people struggle to break bad habits because they are often performed at an unconscious level and to break them seems like such hard work. It’s akin to cycling down hill and then having to then turn round and going back up. The former is just too easy to want to do the latter so if you don’t have to, why bother?

 

The good news is though that if you can start a behavior and keep it going for about 90 days give or take then you will have no problem maintaining it. Our brain is full of Neuro-nets that are pathways of thought. If you have a new thought it creates a new path, if you then have it again it strengthens it. Imagine walking through a meadow with knee high grass. If you look back you can barely see where you have been, but if you make that same walk for 90 consecutive days then you will have no problem seeing the path because it will be well worn. The double whammy of this is that not only do you form new pathways or Neuro-nets by new behavior, but old disempowering thoughts and habits start to atrophy and die just like an unused muscle would, and you literally start to think differently.

 

A-ha! I bet you are now thinking but how do I actually get to the 90 days without failing? To know that you are going to have to come back tomorrow because I have a client here and he’s actually paying me some money and you’re not. Stay tuned.

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Oprah Winfrey Read My Book Last Night

Posted on 27 November 2007

I don’t know anything about interpreting dreams. I know there are books out there that go into great detail and that Freud and Jung studied them, but I just have them. I rarely remember them unless weirdly if I’ve eaten excessive amounts of cheese. I’m grateful I’m not a mouse otherwise I’d be a basket case trying to decipher the meaning of some of the more, should we be kind and say, exotic productions my unconscious hurls at me.

 

Yesterday I had a client that asked me about dreams. It’s actually not the first time that has happened, several clients have asked me the same question in the past, I guess that they think it would be a normal part of life coach training. Not sure about that, but it’s an idea for sure.

 

So last night I had a really weird one and I can’t really work out what it means. I’m tempted to say it means I’m mental but that would be an easy cop out, so in an attempt to poke about in the murkier parts of my mind I’ve decided to blog about it. Beware it’s not for anybody clinging onto sanity by anything other than a fingertip or two.

 

I was on this very small island and peering into the water. I noticed a crocodile looking up at me and he winked. I thought this meant he was about to pounce so I ran through a knee-deep lagoon that led to another island (hmm, so maybe that makes it an atoll and not an island but who’s counting?). There were 2 Crocs sliding onto the island with me one from each side as I jumped onto dry land. Yikes I thought, I’m off and went to the next island. I spotted a tree and decided to hide under it (maybe I thought it was going to start raining crocodiles I don’t know). By now I could spot hundreds of crocodiles and my route to safety looked precarious at best. At that moment I saw 2 youths coming towards me riding yet another Croc like a surfboard but with a piece of rope tied around its nuzzle to steer it with. They were laughing and joking until they spotted me and a look of horror came over their faces. At that stage I realized the tree I had hidden under was a croc dressed up like a tree and he was about to eat me. I jumped onto the back of the Croc with the kids and we rode off.

 

Next thing I know I am at South African border control and my new friends are trying to get me out of the country. The official wanted my green card and UK passport and I handed them over. Then he asked for my library card and I said I didn’t have one. He told me I couldn’t leave unless I had a library card and at that point I saw him smile and realized that he was another…yes you’ve guessed it, bloody crocodile. That is ridiculous I said and punched him on the nose at which point he burst into tears. The two youths were yelling me to jump on the train which just happened to be completely made of chrome and was pulling out of the station. I just managed to get on as it crossed out of South Africa into the USA???? It seemed to cross thousands of miles, several continents and an ocean or two in about 12 seconds but I didn’t really care because I was safe. Or so I foolishly thought.

 

As we pulled into the station the train was stormed by militia looking for people that didn’t like bananas. Oh god I thought, I hate bananas. They were asking people to eat a banana and anybody refusing was being handcuffed and dragged away screaming. I frantically looked round me and noticed that Oprah was behind me and she was reading MY book and laughing! Oh **** I thought I’m just about to get discovered as I get beaten to death for not liking bananas, that’s not fair, not fair at all!

 

Then I woke up and apparently Oprah hasn’t read my book. So what do you reckon, does it seem normal to you?

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Shopping and Sulking Shenanigans

Posted on 25 November 2007

I made a horrible mistake yesterday. It was one of those mistakes that you know is coming, you can see it grinning at you on the horizon as it marches toward you confident in the knowledge that there is nothing you can do to avoid it. You can plan, you can procrastinate and you can sob your little eyes out but you have more chance of dodging a bank of fog than this little beauty. I did plan, I did procrastinate and I did try sobbing in front of my wife but she just laughed in my face like a Sergeant Major laughing in the face of a raw recruit that doesn’t want to go to war. The laughing soon stopped though because this was a military operation that required planning to the tiniest detail and she didn’t want to waste that time on a loser like me.

 

Yes indeed we were going to the sales but not any old sales, we were going to the Factory Outlet Sales! Quite honestly I think I would have rather put a metal bucket on my head and gone and played golf in a lightening storm for 9 hours than put myself through the kind of purgatory that entire books in the Bible are written about.

 

Fortunately I had 2 life coaching clients in through lunchtime so my chance to demonstrate my world-class sulking ability had to be put on hold for a few hours. but once they had gone I slipped into high gear. In fact short of walking round dragging one foot behind the other at right angles I’m not sure what else I could have done to register my displeasure. This was water off a ducks back to an old campaigner like my wife who had already been out for a 3-hour dummy run! She is a hardened veteran shopper that laughs in the face of anybody that can’t pull of a ten hour shopping marathon without a cup of coffee. I kid you not, we could have 10 bags of shopping and she’d not to allow me to hold a single one. I’m sure people have seen us and thought “Look at that chauvinist pig making his wife carry all those bags, I bet he’s a life coach”

 

We arrived at 4.30pm knowing it would be quieter. Well yeh maybe it was but then again I hear the Normandy Landings were quieter on the second day so it’s all-relative. I don’t like queuing to get into shops. I’m trying to give them my money and I don’t really want to stand around wondering whether the sweat patch spreading from each arm of the guy in front of me is going to meet in the middle before I get through the door. It didn’t by the way but it was a close call.

 

At one stage we were in Banana Republic and I said to Helen.  “I don’t think I have seen more than about 25% of the stuff that is in here in the real store. We shop there a lot and like it, but the stuff here looked like a blind duck on acid had designed it. I read some while ago that Ralph Lauren made clothing just to go to their factory outlets that never saw the light of day in a high street or mall store. If it’s true I’m not sure about the morality of that it seems that bargain hungry shoppers are being mislead at best and lied to at worst.

 

After what seemed like an eternity of pain and suffering I struck a bargain with my wife that allowed me 10 minutes off to grab a beer. I noticed all the sad faced men sat around with beers in hand staring at the floor. These men were beaten down by life and shopping. Nobody was talking but I exchanged a few knowing looks from fellow victims. We were indeed brothers in arms for a few moments in time. When the bartender tried to hand my change to the guy sat next to me he was so wrapped up in his own world that he never even noticed. He looked more likely to burst into tears than burst into song. I wanted to put my arm round him and tell him everything was going to be ok, but I simply didn’t know that. Maybe he had hours still to go and maybe heaven forbid he knew that he was coming back the following day Maybe things weren’t going to be ok.

 

We left soon after, or more to the point tried to leave. It was late now and everybody was leaving at the same time so we’d exchanged being jostled by people to being jostled by other cars. There was one guy that decided there was 1 more lane than reality suggested hitting his horn and another refusing to let him in and others trying to edge each other out and steal critical inches. I could deal with this though because I knew we were on the way out. I thought of Steve McQueen digging the tunnel, knowing that freedom could be just a sock full of dirt away. I then wished I’d not thought of that analogy because he got caught again. My mind tried to think “Could this be a trick do we pass any more Malls on the way home that would require a quick visit for that one forgotten gift?” There weren’t any I could think of and I sighed. Yes I was almost home and dry and I finally felt confident enough to close my eyes and think of a calm place.

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Call Yourself A Life Coach?

Posted on 23 November 2007

I frequently get people come to me for life coaching because they have work life balance and stress management issues. When they tell me about the hours they work I nod sagely and maybe even throw a token chin stroke in for good measure to demonstrate my concern.

 

There really is no need to check e-mails out of work hours. There’s no rule of the universe that says if you don’t have a quick look before dinner and then again just before bed your life will become a meaningless sham, you will lose all your family and friends and end up drinking battery acid just for kicks. Not one that I know of anyway.

 

So why do I do it?

 

“Er, Mr Life Coach I think there’s a typo in there. You suggested that YOU do it!”

 

That’s right, it is with a heavy heart that I admit, I do indeed do it.

 

I was with a client talking about this a week or so ago and it started to dawn on me that I was doing exactly the same thing that I was advising him not to do. How hypocritical is that? We’re talking world-class, gold medal, peak performance hypocrisy of Biblical proportions here I think you’ll find.

 

I’m going to defend myself a tad and say that I am not at all stressed, in fact I am very chilled for 95% of the time and I often take an hour or even two off during the day to go to the gym or meditate, but is that really the point? If I cannot (or more accurately do not) delineate between what is work and what is not, then should I be offering advice to other people? That’s a rhetorical question by the way, I really don’t want a load of e-mails telling me to resign forthwith but not before I have submitted refunds to all the clients I have so obviously defrauded, thanks very much.

 

So from now on things are going to change. Firstly, when I am having a day off to spend with my wife like today, the pc goes off at 9.00am and doesn’t come back on before 6.00pm. No sneaking in to see that some Hungarian company is offering me a bulk consignment of Viagra at an all time low price and discover that I can now get a penis extension for $499. Hmm, maybe they should have sent the Viagra offer out a few days after the operation offer for full effect, but I digress.

 

So today is Black Friday and I’m not going to work for the next 9 hours. I’m going to chill with my wife, read a bit and then later on go to the sales and get so wound up by the lines and crowds that I’ll want to go on an axe-wielding rampage through Millennia. But I wont, because after all I’m a life coach and if I can control my desire to check my e-mails I’m sure I can control my desire to commit multiple homicides because I don’t like queuing.

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A Message For Thanksgiving

Posted on 22 November 2007

Below is a message I got today from a friend and fellow Life Coach, Gerri Helms. I liked it and I hope you do to. Happy Thanksgiving!

 

“Gratitude is an ACTION word, not simply an emotion or pleasant feeling which occurs when we receive a gift or favor another.  It is a  a state of being and an emotion; often accompanied by a desire to thank someone, or to reciprocate for a favor they have done for you. We often feel most grateful when that gift or favor is valuable to us, given from the heart and not just out of a sense of obligation.

 

Gratitude is contageous! Grateful people are more likely to extend gifts and favors to others. Although gratitude is something that anyone can experience, some people seem to feel grateful more often than others. People who tend to experience gratitude more frequently than others also tend to be happier, more helpful and forgiving, and less depressed than their less grateful counterparts

 

Notice that the word “FOOD” does not appear in the word “THANKSGIVING”. We do see the words “THANKS” and “GIVING” in there, however. This is the season of being grateful!
 

May I take this special season to thank you for your support and friendship. I am truly grateful for YOU! May you also feel grateful for family and friends in this season of Gratitude.”

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Life Coaching Book - Unbelievable Offer….Honest!

Posted on 20 November 2007

I have had 2 e-mails and a phone call this week from people that have read my book ‘Don’t Ask Stupid Questions - There Are No Stupid Questions’ All were ex-clients kindly offering positive feedback and all made the same point. They mentioned that there was a lot of what I do with clients in the book! Yeh, that’s true, but what else was I going to put in there? Other than sales I wouldn’t know what else to write a book about. Well that’s not totally true, I could have managed ‘How to run up a bank overdraft in 5 easy stages’ or ‘Why you’re wife is ALWAYS right’ or maybe even 101 different ways to rub your mother-in-law up the wrong way.’ I’m hoping that last expression means the same over here as it does in the UK or I could have said something highly embarrassing!

 

I don’t think the other 3 titles would have appealed to many people although who knows? If a book on grammar (Eats, Shoot & Leaves) can sell millions maybe they could have too. By the way, by now you will know I have avoided THAT last book like the plague. Who needs grammar, it’s for wusses!

 

Back to the book. So, yes I did put a lot of what I do with clients in, that was the point, it’s designed to help people that maybe can’t afford to hire a life coach. Of course there isn’t the depth that I go into face-to-face because one 500 word chapter may take me an hour or longer to cover off in detail with a life coaching client. It’s designed to give people a helping hand and to shift their thinking somewhat so they are in a position to be able to make changes for the better should they wish to do so.

 

If you are intrigued by my book, and come on, who wouldn’t be and you want to improve the quality of your life, I’d like to make you this fantastic never to be repeated unless I decide to repeat it again offer.

 

As a beautiful, intelligent and probably a bit bored reader of my Blog I’d like to make a grand gesture of gratitude for your support. If you buy a book from here before midnight on Thanksgiving (Thursday 15th November) as a gift to be shipped within the US, I’ll give you a signed one free of charge (I’ll even pay the increased shipping benevolent chap that I am). Simply order one book and then in the comment field add that you want the extra book as per my Blog offer too. If you would like me to dedicate it, please tell me what you want me to write. Don’t ask me to put “Thanks for last night big boy you were great” though. Once is enough and I’m still paying the legal costs off on that one.

 

This offer isn’t available to UK readers but if you bought 2 then maybe I’d throw a 3rd in. How’s that for a real bargain me luvvlies?

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Life Coach Needs Other Life Coaches

Posted on 18 November 2007

I had an interesting e-mail the other day from a life coach in St Louis. He was looking to set up a reciprocal link arrangement so that we could both benefit from each other’s traffic whilst offering a service to visitors from outside our own area. As first I though “Nah, not really bothered” but the more I thought about the more I thought it could be a great idea.

 

It’s really important to me that people see my website as a resource rather than just a tool to collect clients. I have a page dedicated to helping people find all kinds of self-development products and services that I am unable to offer. I have to be honest and say that about half of the links pay me a small percentage if my visitors then buy from them, but I see it as a win/win because all three parties benefit – so maybe it’s a win/win/win! I’ve had first hand knowledge of every company I link to and because of that I can recommend them all with confidence and not be worrying about somebody getting terrible life coach or NLP training or buying a product that is worthless etc. I regularly get asked to do reciprocal links with companies and individuals that offer little value to people that would be on my site, and I always turn them down. I don’t care how much money I can earn because in the long run it damages the credibility of my site and I end up becoming just another affiliate site. That wont happen, ever.

 

So back to the thing about Life Coaches. I don’t do much telephone coaching at all because I prefer to do face-to-face work. Therefore, it does seem a waste if people stumble on my site from Chicago or New York or San Francisco or wherever else looking for a coach and simply move on because they don’t live in Central Florida.

 

So, if you are a qualified life coach (and not in Orlando!) with a professional website up and running and you are looking for more work, drop me or Dieter in St Louis a line and let’s see what we can get going.

 

PS I’d also welcome hearing from life coaches in the UK

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Choose Wisely Grasshopper

Posted on 17 November 2007

Which of these activities would you prefer to do? I’m not going to tell you what they are just the net effects and you can decide from there.

 

Activity #1 – Can cause sleeplessness and irritability. It can also lead to numerous health problems including but not exclusive to, headaches, migraines, gastro-intestinal problems, high blood pressure, hair loss, reduced ability to fight off minor infections and an exponentially higher risk of complications, should you contract any major illness that it hasn’t actually caused directly. Although some doctors now believe that it is almost always at least a contributing factor. You may also see reduced productivity at work and enjoy less quality time at home. Your ability to concentrate will almost certainly suffer as will your short-term memory. That’s all I can think of for now so let’s look at the upside.  Er…..hmmm….let me see……well actually, there is no upside. Those of you that thought I was talking of drinking alcohol or taking drugs now know you’re wrong so read on.

 

Activity #2 – Improves health and many people believe can lead to increased length of life. It aids sleep and the ability to concentrate. It can also reduce the need to sleep as much and make you more chilled and happy. You will almost certainly feel better after doing it and it wont put any real physical strain on your body. It can help your self esteem and improve your mental function. That’s all I can think of for now so let’s look at the downside.  Er…..hmmm….let me see……well actually, there is no downside.

 

I know you are a sensible person and I’m sure you are up for #2 and will steer well away from #1, right? Probably not because for every person that does #2 there will be at least 100 embracing #1 with a the kind of commitment you’d normally associate with an athlete that had failed a drug test declaring their drink was spiked.

 

Activity #1 is worry or anxiety.

 

“Wait a minute” I Hear you wail derisively. “You can’t avoid worrying about stuff” Sure you can’t if you don’t want to, but you put the thoughts in your head and you decide how you react to them, not me nor anybody else. If anybody has even dealt with a situation without worrying that makes you worry, then by definition it can’t be the event but the interpretation you place upon it. If you believe you can’t stop worrying then get help and hire a life coach but don’t accept that it is how it is unless you want it to be how it is.

 

Activity #2 is meditation.

 

“Oh no here he goes again Mr Whalehuggingsandalwearingtofueatingpotsmokingteadrinkingwerido with his loin cloth pseudo science and commie BS! Well I’m none of those things (ok I admit I do have a pair of sandals but keep that quiet) and what I have mentioned are in the main indisputable facts (the life lengthening thing being the one that could be legitimately debated), so the choice is yours.
 

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Trust Your Gut, It Knows Best

Posted on 16 November 2007

I’m an upbeat person, and if you read here regularly I think you’ll know that. I always trust people until they prove to me that maybe I shouldn’t and as a rule I see the good in others. I used to love my customers when I worked in sales and can’t remember a single client that I have worked with as a life coach that I have disliked, honestly, not one. In fact just the opposite, I have had the privilege of working with some fantastic people that I now consider friends.

Addendum: I just spoke to the lady in question and she wants to re-book. I thought about removing this post so as not to offend her if she reads it, but then I thought “No, this is how I felt when I typed it and I should be honest enough to leave it” It’s not an attack on her or anybody else, just an interpretation of what I was thinking at the time.

I have a relaxed intake policy, I don’t demand people send me cash up front or some form of guarantee signed in blood, I just presume that they’ll turn up when they make an appointment. If not, and it does happen from time to time that people can’t make it or have a change of mind and I appreciate that, then all I ask is an e-mail or a phone call letting me know. After all, this is the man that subscribed to Satanta TV just so he could watch his favorite soccer team storm back to the days of glory in the English Premiership. 2 months on and they are nailed to the bottom of the table and the nails have glue on them and there is a rather large elephant sat on top of the nails. So yeh, I know a bit about having a change of heart.

 

So when I get a situation like today when somebody doesn’t turn up and doesn’t even get back to me when I phone and e-mail to confirm it frustrates me, because momentarily it knocks my confidence in human nature and I don’t want it knocking, I like liking people.

 

I’m good at reading people both with voice inflexion and body language; I have to be with what I do. The worst thing about typing this now rather than talking to the lady that had booked out my time is that I never ever expected her to show! From the first conversation something was amiss and I buried it! This has happened to me 4 times in the 2 years I have been coaching in the US and on 3 of the times I was expecting it. Yet on each occasion I did what I am always telling my clients not to do, I disregarded my gut instinct and got burned.

 

How often is your gut feeling wrong? My guess is rarely but my guess is you still overrule it from time to time and regret it later. Am I right?

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