I talk about questions a lot because as a Life Coach they are at the very core of what I do.
Sure I need to be able to build rapport and actively listen to clients, but if I can’t ask the right question at the right time, then I’m unlikely to help effect lasting change.
It’s over a year since I wrote my post 7 Killer Life Coaching Questions and I thought that as this is such an important aspect of self development it might be time to compile a more authoritative list than can help you Life Coach yourself.
The questions are in no specific order and I would love to hear your take in the comments section on your favorites and whether you have any personal ones that I may have missed out.
1. What’s really important to me?
This is a values based question that, if you ask it enough times, will uncover the essence of who you are as a person. Whatever the answer is that comes back, ask the follow up question of, “What does that give me?”
Then ask it again and again and again until you can’t go any further and end up with one word. Then say hello and give a big hug to a core value of yours.
2. What else can this mean?
Possibly the best question of the lot and one I speak about on a (very) regular basis. It creates curiosity and an opportunity to reframe any negative situation.
What’s not to love about that?
3. Who can help me?
Most people when they are setting out on a huge goal become obsessed with what they need to do to succeed.
Fortunately though, success leaves a trail, and you can follow that trail.
Whatever it is you want to achieve, somebody has either done the exact same thing or something similar in the past.
Talk to those people, read about them, even hire them if you can. Drop the belief that you need to do everything yourself and get help, maybe even hire a Life Coach!
4. Who can I help?
This question gets you out of your own head and allows you to focus on helping others. “But I don’t really want to help others” you may be thinking. Well that’s cool, but you’re actually hard wired to do so and altruism stimulates the same part of the brain as taking cocaine.
And I think we can all agree that helping other people is way cooler and much cheaper than developing a coke habit.
5. How often is my gut instinct wrong?
If you are like most people I know, you will occasionally get a strong gut instinct about something. You will also frequently override that gut instinct and then live to regret it because it doesn’t seem to make sense at a conscious level.
There’s a reason I end every client consultation by saying to the prospective client;
“Go with your gut instinct. If you feel I am the right Life Coach for you, then hire me. If you have some niggling doubts, then don’t, because you’re gut will probably be right”
Next time you have a strong gut instinct ask yourself how often it’s wrong. If that’s rarely, then trust it!
6. What would my life be like if I were to go easier on myself?
It seems to me the vast majority of people beat themselves up and I meet plenty that are almost proud of the fact.
The really bizarre thing about this behavior is that it rarely changes a thing. If years or decades of being hard on yourself hasn’t worked, wouldn’t now be a great time to adopt a slightly different approach?
7. If I didn’t need money what would I do with my life?
Money is often the biggest obstacle to people living the life of their dreams. Or at least that’s what they think, but they are often very wrong.
Think what you really want to do, see and achieve in your life, and then work out how much money you require to do that.
Do not do what most people do, which is try and acquire as much money as you can and then decide what you want to do with it.
That’s the kind of behavior that traps you in a job you hate, but pays great money. Trust me, I’ve been there.
8. Who can I forgive?
If you want to feel crap about yourself and your life, hold as many grudges as you possibly can. None of them will hurt the person you think wronged you, but they will hurt you and that’s almost the same thing, right?
I don’t care how much somebody has hurt you, forgive them.
Even write to them telling them you forgive them so you can then move on. You don’t even need to mail the letter and the person doesn’t even need to still be alive. Just the act of forgiveness can be a huge weight off your shoulders.
9. What am I truly grateful for?
Another obvious one, but get this. It’s almost impossible to feel down and depressed and grateful at the same time. A sense of gratitude is one of the most powerful positive emotions known to mankind.
I know for a fact that you have a shit load of stuff to be grateful for. At the very least I know you have eyesight as you are reading this post. You also have access to a computer and/or smart phone as well as electricity and a some form of Internet connection.
If you can’t think of 100 things you’re grateful for you’re either not trying hard enough or you’re dead.
10. What would Richard Branson do?
Who is your hero or heroine? Next time you get in a tricky situation, think how they would deal with it. I was talking to my co-author John Strelecky the other day as we were preparing to place the order for the second print run of How To Be Rich and Happy.
I was nervous of the amount of books we were ordering as it was 50% higher than the first print run. John sensed this and he also knows how much I admire Richard Branson. So he picked a Branson phrase and said ‘Screw it, let’s do it” and with that, I agreed.
Note: If Charlie Sheen is your hero, you may want to skip past this question.
11. What’s my end game?
Next time you are about to complain or whine about something or kick off an argument with a friend or family member ask yourself the above question.
What do you want to achieve and is the route you’re about to head down get likely to get you there? 90% of disagreements could be eradicated if everybody on the planet (including me) adopted this question a tad more often!
12. If I did know, what would the answer be?
A stupid question on the face of it, but it’s brilliance is in its simplicity. Quite often when I ask a client how they intend to achieve something they’ll respond that they don’t know. I’ll almost always throw this question back at them.
The very least that happens is they laugh at it and I break their state (which frequently helps with problem solving), but more often than not they will come back with a solution.
The question gives your unconscious permission to dream and be creative because the reality is, you do know.
13. On a scale of 0 to 10 how committed am I to achieving ‘X’?
If I ever ask a client this question and get an answer of 7 or less I know whatever it is, almost certainly isn’t going to get done and I have more work to do.
You are either committed to something or your not and 70% commitment is almost worse than no commitment at all. Think about the really successful people you admire, how many of them are half, or even three quarter-assed when it comes to commitment?
Correct, none of them.
14. What can I learn from this?
I’ve done it to death I know, but it’s a hugely powerful question.
If you can learn from a negative situation you reduce the likelihood that it will ever happen again. Asking this question will shift your mind away from “I’m a failure, I screwed up again” to “Wow, I learned some really cool stuff”
15. What can I do to break this pattern of behavior?
Your brain loves patterns. It will sometimes even go out of its way to create patterns where none really exist. If you have ever stared at the clouds for any length of time and started to see shapes and people that aren’t really there you’ll know what I mean.
Some people think they can’t change in the future because they haven’t changed in the past.
That’s nonsense.
Yes, your brain prefers to replicate patterns of behavior because it’s easier and requires less energy.
However, it will also allow you to break those patterns if you consciously step in and disrupt them. And the operative word there is ‘consciously’ because without conscious awareness change happens organically and largely out of your control.
16. What can I do today that will scare me?
Self development is about expanding your comfort zone and to do so means you have to experience some discomfort and fear. That’s cool though, because it is only fear and as such just it’s an emotion and we all know emotions aren’t real, right?
17. What’s the back story?
You’re a human being and as such you act like an assclown from time to time, we all do. Fortunately you know the reason or reasons when you do so, and they’re usually legitimate.
Maybe you didn’t sleep well, you’re worried about money, a close family member is seriously ill, one of your kids just got into trouble at school or the mother-in-law is coming to stay for a few days.
Any one of the above can knock you off your ‘A’ game and cause you to be a bit tetchy, and the same goes for anybody else. Before you presume somebody wants to kill you because they cut you up on the Interstate ask yourself what their back story may be.
18. What will that goal give me?
People will often set goals because they think they should or because they seem cool on first glance. Our initial goal to sell 1,000,000 copies of How To Be Rich and Happy was a case in point, and it sucked.
When we started to drill down we realized it didn’t give us a fat lot, except money. The new goal of giving the books to good causes delivers on multiple fronts and is far more inspiring to both myself and John.
19. What would my perfect day look like?
If you’re not sure what you want to do with your life ask yourself the above question. Give your mind permission to wander and the freedom to dream big. How much of your perfect day are you working toward? How much could you be working toward? How much will you work toward?
20. Would I Rather Be Right Or Be Loved?
I had so many brilliant questions and thanks to all of you that offered them up. I went for the one that Pam first mentioned because it’s a beauty, and she is 100% right it can stop a lot of arguments before they get going.
This is what I ask myself almost every morning.
What am I grateful for in the past?
What can I do today, to create a “moment” for myself and others?
And what am I excited about for the future?
Then there’s question like if I was a pizza topping, what would I be? Did you know that corn makes an amazing topping? So I am told and I plan to put it into play.
Thanks for the great questions Tim. Gets me thinking!
Not sure about corn Roy, and as I’m on a reduced carb diet damn your hide for mentioning pizza.
Note to self: What can I learn from this?
One more thing, is to never underestimate the power of a question.
Whether it is questions we ask ourselves, or ask of others, or others ask of us, those questions give us the opportunity to choose our answers (if we don’t like the current ones).
Plenty of time someone has asked me a question that seriously got me thinking and acting accordingly.
And now I have this craving for corn on pizza. Anyone ever try pineapple on pizza?
Isn’t a Hawaiian pizza pineapple and ham?
Indeed it is, but as per my belief (Judaism), we cannot have dairy and meat eaten together.
Try pineapple and corn then mate, but don’t blame me!
Tim,
Thank you so very much for being gracious and supportive enough to spread the word about Life lessons eBook.
And of course great article as always. :)
Thanks mate and you’re very welcome you do valuable work.
Love, Love, Love this!! Particularly the question “If I did know, what would the answer be?” Today I would answer “Focus on the work, not on the fear.”
Thanks Pam and glad it helped.
‘What is the opposite of my thought about this?’ I find that I can always find a genuine opposite is at least as true. So, if I’m thinking “He’s out to get me”, I can see that I am out to get him too. Or maybe he’s NOT out to get me. How can I know either way?
Excellent, I really like that, thanks!
A question I ask myself that’s avoided a lot of arguments is, “Would I rather be right or happy?” Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE to be right, but really, how often is it really worth it?
You’re right Kim, that is a brilliant question. I even wrote a post on it not long ago, but it completely slipped my mind, so thanks very much for the reminder.
Greetings,
While I found this article meaningful, even helpful in a sense, I couldn’t help but notice how the assumption that one had eyesight simply because they were reading this post was made. As a totally blind computer user, I must now lash out, very likely breaking something in the process, because silly sighted folk jump to funny conclusions. I’ve had no eyesight all my life, and I have not only read this post, but several others. I chat, I email, I even game. Eyesight? Pah. Who needs it?
And lastly, just in case it’s not clear, I don’t actually care too much that you said it, but I just HAD to call you out on it. So most of this is a joke, but… I am totally blind. Just sayin.
No you didn’t have to call me out, you wanted to.
The fact is I thought of exactly your situation. That a blind person hearing this blog may consider it crass or ill-informed, but then I thought, “nah, why would anybody waste their time on something so trivial, they’ll realize the point of what I’m saying!”.
If I put a caveat in for everything I say it would get ridiculous and contrived and if that’s silly, then so be it.
Great list of questions! I, too, especially like “if I did know, what would the answer be?”
I would add Byron Katie’s “Is that true?” to the list. I use this question all the time to examine my thoughts and assumptions.
I like it, thanks Patty….and Byron.
If this problem did not exist what would you be doing more of?
or
Once you accomplish this goal what will you be doing instead of what you are doing now?
or
If suddenly problem x was removed from your life, what is the 1st thing you would notice that showed you something is different?
or
What can you commit to doing in the next 3 hours?
All great questions Michael, thanks!
Great post, Tim. Perhaps you’ve inspired me to compile a list of my own, although I try to stay “in the moment”.
Someone mentioned a specific version of this, but “Would you rather be right or___________ (fill in blank)?” is one I would add to the list.
And the one I would definitely add as #20 is “What else is possible?” and “What else?”
The “would you rather be right or be loved” is a really interesting question because we are all hard wired to want both and it’s can be a tad tricky trying to overcome that hardwiring.
Maybe in 25,000 years or so? ;-)
Questions, questions , questions. I keep adding more to my repertoire and there are always more. LOL
-What’s missing from this situation?
-If you could start from scratch, what would you do?
-If you achieve X, what will you have (or feel)?
-What resources do you need to be able to make a decision?
-If your life was dependent on taking one action, what action would you take?
-What advice would you give someone who had the same problem you have?
And once again, I have probably overdone it. LOL
Great post like usual.
Are you just trying to make my job of choosing a winner harder? ;-)
LOL-duh! I am sure I can think up a few more.
Like: How does staying up too late online make you feel?
TIRED!
Good night!
How would your life be different if you had more courage?
Yep, that’ll do nicely!
Hey Tim!
Ben & Ros Zander talk about giving yourself an A+ and then asking how you got that A+.
I particularly like how it encourages you to feel good about yourself before you have actually achieved the goal, so you’re more motivated to hold onto the positive rather than work towards something when you’re not feeling it.
It’s late and I’m tired, so I’m not sure if I’m putting my thoughts out there clearly :)
That is very cool Janet, thanks for that!
Now go to bed ;-)
Great questions Tim……”What makes your Heart sing?”
Regards
David
That’s at the *heart* of values, nice one!
All too often the focus is on what we do. It’s more important to ask, Why are you doing it? That question will help reveal your motivation, benefit, and other variables involved in your improvement.
An important discovery of the question why is knowing if you’re being internally motivated or externally motivated. Often the more rewarding activities and changes that stick come from within.
Best Regards,
Lonnie
I have to be honest Lonnie, I’m not a big fan of why. It can and does work for some people, but it can also cause a defensive mindset for others.
One would think that one who has achieved what you have, who has, apparently, succeeded in being both rich and happy, would not only be able to detect a joke when he sees one, most especially when the post itself admits to being a joke, but have a laugh at it. And why not? I didn’t say it to be trivial. I didn’t say it because I WANTED to call you out. I’m hardly that malicious, and I don’t appreciate you thinking you understand my motivation based on that short little post, regardless of who you are. Is it so wrong to have a sense of humor about blindness? About any condition? Is it so wrong to have a little fun with it when the opportunity presents itself? We’re supposed to be greatful for the things he have, and yet I’m expected to hush hush on the whole blindness thing because you can’t take a joke? I would understand if i was actually crying out for you to change the article, but I actually SAID that I didn’t care, and I don’t. However, I won’t have my intelligence insulted, and I won’t apologize for who I am. A funloving guy who, yeah, occasionally makes blind jokes. That’s me. Nice to meet ya.
If you were joking, then I unreservedly apologize mate because I didn’t realize and I’m usually fairly good at spotting snarkey humor, seeing as I live by it!
My bad.
Other questions I like to ask myself include:
1) How can I make this situation perfect?
2) Is this really worth stressing about?
3) What will give me the best opportunity to grow?
4) Will I reeally regret this in 5 years?
My favorite of those is definitely #4.
I use a similar approach regularly because it taps into peoples meaning of life!
Grrreat collection, seriously. When I saw your post, I thought: Oh no, not the lame-ass questions again. But then, when I actually read your article, I had to chuckle.
My burning kick-ass mindblowing favorite ?
What would Richard Branson do ?
PURE brilliance :)
LMAO, I’m grateful your lame-ass detector was out on this one man!
Tim, when are you going to start including “What’s your favorite 1980s song?” into your question line up? I think it will tell you everything you need to know about a person, especially if they like really awesome music like Alphaville or Falco.
I guess my question would be “Wouldn’t you find it really annoying if everyone else you knew was just farting around instead of doing something about the problem? Helllooooo?!” but I’m not what you’d call “supportive” or “helpful”
No Flock of Seagulls?
When I write my book on great questions I’ll be contacting you for permission to use that, it’s pure genius in an insane kinda way.
Which is genius? Because I think they both are!
I actually meant the latter, but on further reflection I think you’re right and they do indeed both have the imprint of genius stamped all over them.
I suppose I’d pick “How could I best serve?” Which is sort of like “who can I help,” only different.
Thanks Yael, and I do like that question a lot!
Ok people thanks so much for taking the time to offer me your great questions.
I chose Pam’s as the winner and if you want to e-mail me at tim at a daring adventure dot com Pam I’ll get a copy of the book to you.
I had a good break at Point #10. Not so much about Richard Branson but about Charlie Sheen. LOL! But seriously, I like this idea because it works so much for me, a true-blue Momma’s girl who just adores everything about her. Whatever things I come across, the decision-making becomes a wiser process because of it. Of course, I’m very much my own person most hours of the day. But for new things, strange stuff, really mind-boggling issues, I’d always pause and think, “Would Mom do this or now?” The pause doesn’t get me to decide like she would, but somehow IT GETS ME TO THINK BETTER like my Mom. :)